Chapter 1
Leftovers

The Daily Me - Ramachandra Levy

Thank you, Ramachandra Levy, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, we realized that we were the only publication on the planet that didn't have a best of the first decade of the 2000s list. Never mind that the decade actually ends at the end of 2010, not 2009; when our mothers asked us, "If everybody else is making meaningless end of arbitrary time periods lists, does that mean you have to as well?" we answered, "Hells, yeah!" (We, uhh, had a very informal relationship with our mothers when we were growing up.) So, here it is: the worst "best of the first decade of the 2000s" list: this one.

Deranged You Can Believe In

Do I have to connect the dots for you?

SOURCE: Politics For Dummies

[http://www.politicsfordummies.com/home.asp?did=671&dir=bb]
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It Was...A Mercy Killing

After a punishing few months on the critical list, the Public Option for health care reform has been pronounced dead by the Democratic Senatorial caucus. In the end, it was a shadow of its former self, so thin and weak that even its most ardent supporters wouldn't have recognized it. Pubbo, as its friends called it, is survived by Expansion of Medicare to Those Between 55 and 65 and Regional Insurance Co-ops. In lieu of flowers, mourners are asked to donate to a universal public health care system.

SOURCE: Obits 'R Us

[http://www.king.ids.net/~bdlm/obits_r_us.html]
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Do You...Uhh...Shave With A Schick?
Write With A Bic?
Eat At Movenpick?

The Warren Homosexuals

SOURCE: Poetry, Cornered

[http://www.cibc.com/ca/personal/poetrycorner/294.html]
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He Probably Heard It As The Fossil Fuel Of The Day Award

In the run-up to the Copenhagen Summit, a coalition of 450 environmental groups awarded Canada a Fossil of the Day award.

"We're proud of Canada's environmental record," Prime Minister Stephen Harper responded, "and it's an honour to get an award that recognizes our efforts."

Nobody had the heart to explain to him that the award was for "doing the most to obstruct progress in the global climate-change talks."

SOURCE: The Irrational

[http://www.mc.ca/stories/2009/12/02/wedontmeantoharperonitbut091202]
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Right Over Anybody Who Doesn't Believe In Your God!

Recipe for religious fundamentalism:

STEP ONE: Take a loving and compassionate god.

STEP TWO: Drain your god of all love and compassion.

STEP THREE: Fill your empty god with all of your personal fears and hatreds.

STEP FOUR: Let the theocratic good times roll!

SOURCE: Unicycle

[http://www.unicycle.com/new.php?p=articles&id=471&but=allis1]
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Third Party On, Dudes!

There are more than 25,000 third party applications for the iPhone. What are some of the ones you may have missed?

iBoredom&Mayhem. A simulation of being on the ground in Iraq using real time GPS data and news feeds.

iCandy. Watch your favourite chocolate bars being slowly...sensually unwrapped. Then, become really frustrated that you can't eat them. Sponsored - perhaps ill-advisedly - by Cadbury's.

iEye. The camera in your phone focuses on your eye. Watch yourself watching yourself! You look fabulous, if you do say so yourself.

iSore. An old man shakes his fist and yells, "You kids get off my lawn!" over and over and over again.

SOURCE: Geekly News & World Report

[http://www.geeklynews.com/geeklynews/issue/091209/geeklynews/01carmenmiranda.htm]
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It Makes More Sense If you Read It Out Loud

To stimulate the economy by creating jobs, President Obama has been talking about taking some of the money returned from TARP and using it to weatherize homes. Weatherization may be "ecologically correct," but it isn't a term that excites the pundits. What are they calling it?

Cash for caulkers.

And, there you have it. The American population is made up entirely of six year-olds.

SOURCE: Weekends!

[http://www.nobc.com/Weekends/video/play.shtml?mea=227229]
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So It Can Strangle Them Before They Become More Than Signs

SOURCE: Billy-Bob's International House O' Headlines

[http://www.com/lol.pdqfc.wwygw.wyswyg/fid=3176533083]
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Hearing Polka Doesn't Really Make The Song Better

Okay. I am down with just about every Internet fad there has been. Cats closing the lids of pianos on the hands of their owners? Adorable. Ratting out your teenage brother's porn surfing habits on your Facebook page? That's what Facebook was made for! Cats using handheld rocket grenade launchers on their next door neighbour's doghouse? Priceless!

But, Bob Dylan performing a song on YouTube called "Must Be Santa" with a klezmer influence? (I know some people hear polka when they listen to it, but I hear klezmer.) That's my limit, thanks.

SOURCE: Bill's Bitter Pills

[http://bill.geekgoons.com/]
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It's Been A Bad Week For Backpacks With Canadian Flags On Them...

Where Canadians stand on the Afghan detainee transfer torture scandal:

the Afghan government did not torture detainees we handed over to them, and that's damn decent of them considering that the detainees were the worst kind of terrorists

okay, many of the detainees we captured and handed over to the Afghan government were innocent of any wrong-doing, people who just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time, but that's okay because we know they weren't tortured

there is no proof that detainees were tortured

okay, there is proof that detainees were tortured, but nobody in the government knew about it

okay, somebody in the government knew about the torture, but that is not reason enough to demand anybody's resignation

YOU ARE HERE: anybody who insists on pursuing this issue is putting the lives of every one of our brave men and women fighting in Afghanistan at risk. They need to put politics aside for national security.

Peter McKay, your time in cabinet is rapidly coming to an end

the Prime Minister had nothing to do with the detainee transfer file. No, seriously, move along, people. Nothing to see here.

?

SOURCE: Politics For Dummies

[http://www.politicsfordummies.com/home.asp?did=674&dir=bb]
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