Chapter 1
Leftovers

The Daily Me - Sal "Boot 'Em" Auel

Thank you, Sal "Boot 'Em" Auel, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, we decided not to get the H1N1 shot, figuring that what we've got, well, it's not a bug, it's a feature.

Don't Interrupt When I'm Interjecting!

1 in a million) INT. DINING ROOM - NIGHT

A family is eating dinner.

SON: Dad, could you please pass the -

DAD: Peas?

SON: No, I want the -

DAD: What's the matter with the peas?

SON: I'm sorry?

DAD: They're perfectly good, the peas. Raised in perfectly good American soil by perfectly good American farmers.

SON: Okay, sure, but I have enough peas on my plate already. I wanted the -

DAD: Rolls?

SON: Please.

DAD: Tell you what - I'll pass you the rolls if you'll admit that you really want some more peas as well.

SON: I don't want more peas, dad. I want the -

DAD: Rolls. Yes, I know. Disappointing. But, okay, stick with that story if you must.

Dad passes the rolls to his Son. He also nudges the bowl of peas in his son's direction.

MOM: So, how was your -

DAD: Week?

MOM: - dear?

DAD: You want to know how my week was?

MOM: I wouldn't have asked if I -

DAD: I had to interview a lot of idiots who couldn't even finish their sentences!

MOM: That must be -

DAD: Hard? Annoying? A pain in the ass? Oh, yeah. All three. And, more. So very much more. But, I'm a professional, and very good at my job, so it made for brilliant television.

SOURCE: Les Pages aux Folles

[http://www.lespagesauxfolles.ca]
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Related Term: Vietnamizationalistic

Afghanistanificationism (noun): the process by which war blurs the line between three dimensional chess and dadism. EXAMPLE: "President Obama announced in his speech that American troops would start withdrawing from Afghanistan in 2011. The next day, Secretary of State Hilary Clinton explained that this did not lock the government into actually leaving the country. In his speech, Obama clearly stated that he was opposed to an open-ended commitment to war in Afghanistan. The next day, Defense Secretary Robert Gates said that if the strategy did not appear to be working in 2011, it would be reviewed. This is the worst case of Afghanistanificationism I have ever seen!"

SOURCE: Michelle's Obscure Pedantry Page

[http://www.MichellesOPP.ca/blogger.html]
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No Problem - They'll Make Up The Difference By Dropping 20 Mid-list Authors

Just two weeks after publication, Sarah Palin's memoir Going Rogue has sold one million copies. Of course, once discounts have been factored in, her publisher will only have netted $28.73.

SOURCE: Unread Book News

[http://217.204.42.45/cgi/NGoto/2/64382861?3518]
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But, How Can Anybody Tell The Difference Between Celebratory Obliviousness And Ordinary, Every Day Obliviousness?

December 4. Ignore the anniversary of the Bhopal Disaster Day. This is one of the best celebrations on the calendar, because it doesn't require you to actually do anything. In fact, the best way to celebrate this day is to go about your ordinary life in complete obliviousness. Because, really, human tragedies come and go, and why should we single out this one to remember one?

SOURCE: The Non-existent Pages

[http://www.utopia.tv/erewhon/index.html]
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Teleouroboros - The TV Show That Eats Itself

Where Family Guy will inevitably end up:

INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY

PETER: Hey, remember the time I thought I forgot about this other time?

INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY (YESTERDAY)

PETER: Hey, remember the time I...uhh...wait a minute...what was I...oh, yeah, remember the time I talked about this other time...?

INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY (A WEEK AGO)

PETER: Hey! Remember the time I said, "Hey, remember the time...?" and started talking about being trapped in a potentially infinite regression?

INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY (A MONTH AGO)

PETER: Hey, remember the time when all I could say was "Hey, remember the time..." over and over again, triggering one flashback after another in a potentially infinite loop that only ended when I was six months old and was too young to have the capacity to verbalize my thoughts?

INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY

PETER: Good times.

SOURCE: Ukrainian TV Guide

[http://www.tvguide.ua/listings/index.asp?referrerID=0&returnurl=%2Flistings%2Findex%2Easp%3F®Mode=0]
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And, Here We Thought They Were All Uncircumcised Because Their Parents Were Just Lazy

The European Union, in a draft document that was leaked to an Israeli newspaper, condemns Israeli policies and calls on European states to support claims that East Jerusalem should be the capital of a Palestinian state. It argues that Israel has been revoking Palestinian residency permits in order to change the demographic profile of Jerusalem in its favour.

"If what is in the report is true, do you know what it means?" asked Canadian Jewish Congress CEO Bernie Farber. Not waiting for a response, Farber continued: "It means that the entire European Union is anti-Semitic!"

SOURCE: The Irrational

[http://www.mc.ca/stories/2009/12/03/bridgetoofarber091203]
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There Were Sectors On My Fried Hard Drive That Were Less Corrupt!

Afghanistan President Harmid Karzai is set to replace most of the senior politicians in his government in the hope of restoring its legitimacy. He must never have heard the bit of old gambling wisdom: if you look around a cabinet table and can't see the person who used fraud to steal the election that got you there, it was you.

SOURCE: The Quick and the Detwiler

[http://quick&detwiler.blogspot.com/]
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Wouldn't You Just Love Be A Fly On The Wall So You Could Hear The Midnight Confidences Of THOSE Two?

Conservative MPPs Randy Hillier and Bill Murdoch held a sleepover at Queen's Park Tuesday night. They painted their nails. They had a pillow fight (with pillows specially smuggled in by an unnamed page). They listened to music they wanted to listen to, and not music that the Speaker of the House told them they should listen to because it was better for them.

"It was a lot of fun," Hillier gleefully stated. "If the members of our caucus did it with us, we could develop a really groovy vibe up at Queen's Park."

"Of course, we were doing it as a legitimate protest," Murdoch hastily added.

"Oh, totally," Hillier agreed. "We wanted to bring attention to...something...awful that the Liberals were doing."

"Really awful," Murdoch claimed. "Darn those Liberals!"

Then, the two giggled to themselves for five minutes.

SOURCE: Toronto Startle

[http://www.thestartle.com/NASApp/cs/ContentServer?pagename=thestartle/Layout/Article_Type1&c=Article&cid=1088591331813&call_pageid=
968335868492&col=968444972154]
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