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Chapter 1
Leftovers
The Daily Me - Lady Felicity Fitz-Phartasse
Thank you, Lady Felicity Fitz-Phartasse, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, we had a WTF moment when we stumbled into the office and people told us we had a tattoo on our forehead. Really? Looking in the mirror in the office latrine, we saw really. The tattoo read: "Well, duh!" How Zen of us.
Enjoy,The Daily Me Staff
Oil Be Back
Charlie looks over the brown, dead landscape, trying not to look up at the equally dead grey sky overhead. The poisons that infect the ground and the sky are different, of course, but the effect is the same: the planet has become largely unlivable, and what few human beings are left will do anything to survive. Charlie looks over the remains of a dead planet and finds he has only one thought in his head.
"Thank god Stephen Harper's Conservatives did not make hypocritical international commitments on greenhouse gas emission reductions!"
SOURCE: Alternate Reality News Service
[http://www.arns.com/sinbin?id=32342641204648714687fx]
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You Don't Score Points With Friends You've Never Met By Planting Corn In The Ground
Okay, call me cynical, but wouldn't the United States be better off if fewer people played Farmville on Facebook and actually, you know, LIVED IN THE COUNTRY AND FARMED?
SOURCE: Bill's Bitter Pills
[http://bill.geekgoons.com/]
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He Thinks He Can Do What He Wants, But Kenney?
According to Minister of Citizenship, Immigration and Multiculturalism Jason Kenney, "I often get more done when the House is not in session." This is another example of the short-sightedness of the Conservative government.
Imagine how much more Kenney could get done if he didn't have to deal with the pesky Ottawa bureaucracy. True, Ottawa is neutering a lot of arms-length agencies, but, if efficiency is truly its goal, it should be considering cutting the civil service down - we think 12 is a good number.
For that matter, democracy would work much more smoothly if only politicians didn't have to worry about the petty concerns of citizens. Perhaps Prime Minister Harper should consider proroguing Canada.
SOURCE: The National Whipping Post
[http://www.canada.com/national/nationalwhippingpost/news/story.html?ia=0ec0eca-b6e6-4c18-bf9b-07b612cc48oed]
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So We Can Be Knocked Down By Politics As Usual
Haitian PM vows to rebuild as delegates gear up for Montreal talks"
SOURCE: Billy-Bob's International House O' Headlines
[http://www.com/lol.pdqfc.wwygw.wyswyg/fid=1325538738]
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Some People Give Themselves Such Aires!
Some people are having a hard time following what is happening in late night television. Allow me to explain.
One millionaire has put another millionaire in the position of having to quit his job only seven months after he started. This was to please a third millionaire that the first millionaire took the job from to give to the second millionaire in the first place. Several other millionaires have been making jokes at the second or third millionaire's expense, as well as the company that employed the first three millionaires.
And, millions of people who are not aires are watching this debacle, totally enchanted.
SOURCE: Entertainment For Dummies
[http://www.politicsfordummies.com/entertainmentfordummies/home.asp?did=515&dir=bb]
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Sure I'll Rent Out My Body - It's Not Like I Was Using It For Anything...
Do you remember the scenes in Eddie Murphy's remake of The Nutty Professor where his body starts to go all gooey? The CGI in those scenes must have cost a fortune. I could have saved the studio most of that.
Once you know which part of the body you want to go all wobbly, simply inject it with cat dander, wait a few minutes, then let those cameras roll! The effect costs next to nothing and looks real - because it is!
The Great Naymanini - The Human Special Effect
Will Perform at Weddings and Bar Mitzvahs
SOURCE: Les Pages aux Folles
[http://www.lespagesauxfolles.ca]
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When Did They Become Canadians?
With the victory of a Republican in a special election in Massachusetts, the Democrats have lost their supermajority in the Senate. Figuring that it was because they didn't play nice enough with the opposition, many Democrats have gnawed off their own testicles and offered them to the Republican Party.
When did they become beavers?
SOURCE: Big Alex' Domesday Countdown Page
[http://www.allaboutalex.wha/Domesday/new]
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Hu's On First
It wasn't a great week for China. First, Google threatened to pull out of the country because, it alleges, the government used the search engine to spy on its own people. Then, American Secretary of State Hillary Clinton made a speech on Internet censorship called for an investigation of the allegations.
"There is no censorship in China," Chinese President Hu Jintao feistily responded. "We are merely differently free speeched."
SOURCE: Daily Semaphore
[http://www.opinion.semaphore.co.uk/opinion/main.jhtml;sessionid=M5UF23LWOLFPACKQMFSM5WAVCBQ0JVC?nextPage=/DUereDE/wXeR.WZvwF?7wF~/DUereDE/s119/Os/28/JD141O.7wF!2qZiiv~/DUeReDR/s119/Os
/14/e7DUeReDR.ZvwF!2iG3gimmygi4Z~vg3i&resize=null&_requestid=21213]
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Depends: How Many Rhymes Can YOU Find For The Word "Pundit?"
The Ballad of a Thin Mind
Did anybody call for a Conservative punditWho can make the corporate agenda sound like profundit-
y?
Well, I'm your man! Your man is me!
Today's your lucky day! I have a bag of rhetorical tricks
Guaranteed to bedazzle and bamboozle hicks.
By the time I'm done, they will be certain
(Just do not look behind that curtain)
Their problems are all other people's faults - and those other people must be made to pay! Put your faith in the Conservative pundit -
If an organization promotes social justice, I'll shout: defund it!
Get tough on crime, we really need to
So the rubes' worst instincts for revenge are...uhh...seed to.
In me, you know you have the staunchest friend. Tax breaks for the rich? - I'm all for it.
Screw the poor? - oh, I just adore it!
After all, in this life, nothing is free
(Go away, kid, you bother me)
Yes, yes, the sweet welfare ride must end! Humbly, I remain power's pundit:
If it helps the common man, I've ruined it.
I'll justify the latest war
Even if I had opposed it the day before
And never admit the contradiction. As long as the money into my bank account is flowing
No idea is below my sneerful showing.
Lower taxes lead to higher government revenue?
For sure! Of course! Of course they do!
Eternal war will bring us peace?
Let the cannons blare without cease!
The opposition wants to destroy the country?
You won't hear anything different from me -
I promise to make reality out of your chosen fiction.
SOURCE: Poetry, Cornered
[http://www.cibc.com/ca/personal/poetrycorner/307.html]
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Welcome, Science Fiction Fans!
If you came to Les Pages aux Folles curious about my writing thanks to science fiction or fan fiction, welcome! You can find the complete text of Alternate Reality Ain't What It Used To Be and What Were Once Miracles Are Now Children's Toys in the Archive Section, as well as three new Alternate Reality News Stories every third week in the New Section. They are clearly marked [ARNS] for easy identification. And, please feel to browse through the other writing, cartoons and miscellaneous oddments - you never know what you might enjoy!
You may already be a winner? Well, actually...
It is with great pleasure that I can announce that I have taken first prize in the Swift Satire Writing Competition. This was for a poem called "Love Amid the Construction. The official announcement can be found here. Details of the contest, including, at some point soon, my winning entry, can be found here. What can I say?
WHOOT WHOOT WHOOT!
Do Not Adjust Your Eyes
The Weight of Information: Episode One: The Realities Leak is now available on YouTube! This pilot for a radio series is based on stories out of the two Alternate Reality News Service Books, Alternate Reality Ain't What It Used To Be and What Were Once Miracles Are Now Children's Toys (or, as one online used bookstore has it, What Were Once Miracles Are Now Children - don't ask). Click on this link to listen to Part One and this link to listen to Part Two. Interdimensional travel has never been so...multidimensional!
You May Already Be A Winner Redux
The Alternate Reality News Service, in conjunction with the Grasping for the Wind Web site, is running a contest! The readers who submit the best questions to either of the Alternate Reality News Service columns (which, regular readers will remember, are Ask Amritsar and Ask the Tech Answer Guy) will win free autographed copies of What Were Once Miracles Are Now Children's Toys (or, as one online discount bookseller has it listed, What Were Once Miracles Are Now Children - don't ask). Click on the link for the rules. Enter now, enter often!Ira Speaks!
Sal Monaco, the Oracle of Enlightenment who now does interviews at Think Twice Radio, conducted an interview with me at Polaris 24. Don't think twice: go to Sal Monaco's Think Twice Radio Web page and give it a listen!
The Alternate Reality News Service Grows Up
Have you ever wanted to know what goes on behind the scenes at the Alternate Reality News Service? Of course you didn't! But, now that the question has been raised, it sounds intriguing, no? Okay, probably not. Still, here's the thing: there is now a Facebook group called The Alternate Reality News Service Cafe. If you go there, you will automatically receive a tri-weekly newsletter full of exclusive information. It is also a place where you can contribute to the Alternate Reality News Service and even, perhaps, work your way up the ARNS ladder until you are given a journalistic beat all for yourself. Doesn't that sound exciting?
Don't answer that.
Would you be interested in immortality?
As you may have noticed, there is a weekly feature on Les Pages aux Folles called The Daily Me. Each article in this feature is a collection of bits and pieces of interest to a different person. I probably won't be shocking any of my readers when I say that, to date, I have made the persons up. (If you are shocked, I hear the Girls With Eyepatches site is nice this time of year...) Well, a future Daily Me could feature...you!
Simply send me an email with your name and the names of three or four publications you regularly read and three or four issues/subjects in which you have an interest. Then, let me digest them and, two or three weeks later, The Daily Me could be The Daily You! Your name will appear in my writing...forever! No complicated creams! No messy cryogenic devices! Immortality has never been easier! What are you waiting for?