Chapter 2
March 7, 2010

The Daily Me - Antonio Spilimbergo

Thank you, Antonio Spilimbergo, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, we played slamming the car door with our brother, sisters, half-brother, quarter-brother, indeterminate percentage-brother and various other quasi-related siblings. You would be amazed at how fulfilling a life somebody can lead with seven fingers and only one fully functioning thumb!

What's So Fine About Fine Print?

What the small print at the end of a spam email actually says:

This email was sent to you because you are a sucker who once bought something online from a company that sold all of its information about its customers to a spam delivery company who passed it on to us. To get off this mailing list, simply clink on the link below, and we will be sure to put you on 27 other mailing lists run by our company.

SOURCE: The Smoking Gut

[http://www.thesmokinggut.com/archive/108096382861023470563-79463748648263272301730cahs01.html]
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Irth Of A Nation

It's hard to take the Irthers movement seriously.

People like Orly Taitz claim that President Barack Obama is a Klingon. She and her followers, including Republican members of Congress, say that if he really was human, he would get a DNA test to prove it. They completely ignore the fact that Obama did have a DNA test that conclusively proved that he is a human being, and that the results of the test have been posted on the "President Barack Obama Is a Human Being" Web site where anybody can access them.

There is also the problem that there is no such thing as Klingons. They are a fictional alien race that appeared on a television show called Star Trek. "They could exist," Taitz insists on her Web site. "We'll just have to wait until Zephram Cochrane invents the warp drive to find out, won't we?"

The fact that Irthers are trying to tie Obama's existence to a race that doesn't exist tends to undermine their contention that they are, in fact, sane people.

SOURCE: The Podunk Mash & Enquirer

[http://www.podunkmash.com/wp-dyn/articles/A49683-2010Jan28.html]
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Unfortunately, It Had Been Eaten, So It Had To Decline The Generous Offer

In two days, the Facebook page "Can this onion ring get more fans than Stephen Harper?" got twice as many fans as the Prime Minister (63,000 for the side dish versus 30,074 for the national leader); within a week, it had over a million Facebook friends.

The Liberal Party immediately approached the onion ring to see if it would be interested in running in the next federal election.

SOURCE: Ottawa Stunned

[http://www.canoodle.com/NewsStand/OttawaStunned/News/2010/02/12/519727.html]
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Miranda Ain't Just A Character In Sex And The City (Even If She Has Rights)

Mullah Abdul Ghani Baradar, the Afghan Taliban's second in command, has been captured by Pakistan and is giving Pakistani and American officials useful intellige -

"Shoot him in the head! Shoot him in the head! That's what I would do - I would SHOOT HIM! IN THE HEAD!"

Thanks for the advice, Glenn, but he couldn't give us much intelligence if we shot him in the -

"Don't pussyfoot around with a Taliban leader! Get out the waterboard and teach him the meaning of our freedoms!"

Thanks for the advice, Dick, but why would we want to torture Mullah Baradar when he is already giving us actionable intelligence?

"You've gotta put the fear of god into these people, let them know that if they attack Americans, they will suffer!"

Ahh. The problem, Dick, is that we don't have custody of Mullah Baradar - Pakistan does.

"Oh. That's alright, then."

It is?

"Sure. At least Pakistan won't be reading him his Miranda rights!"

SOURCE: Bill's Bitter Pills

[http://bill.geekgoons.com/]
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They Hate Us! They Really Hate Us!

International disdain for the Vancouver Olympics has been vocal and, at times, quite harsh. Some of it has centered around Canada's slogan: Own the Podium. One can only imagine the international outcry if one of the other slogan's the Canadian Olympic Committee had considered was chosen:

SOURCE: The Schwartz Sports Report

[http://www.schwartzsportsreport.com/ssr-news.shtml#56938139965]
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Embarrassing? You Bet Your Blippy It Is!

MONDAY: Who thought it would be a good idea to play Images In Vogue's "Lust For Love" on Valentine's Day? Had they ever actually heard the song before they played it? One chocolate heart will not be enough to recover from the trauma...

TUESDAY: Sarah Palin has complained about a joke in an episode of Family Guy that appeared to target her son with Down Syndrome. Of course, when Rush Limbaugh repeats the joke on his radio show, it will be okay because he will be being satirical. But, uhh, couldn't Family Guy be considered satirical? I love Sarah Palin, but sometimes following her logic gives me a migraine...

WEDNESDAY: Thanks to high profile cases of promiscuity like Tiger Woods and David Duchovny, psychiatrists are proposing to add "hypersexual disorder" to the next Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders. Of course, if they had been women, they would just have been called sluts.

THURSDAY: For his last birthday, I got my boyfriend a box set of Monty Python's Flying Circus. Last week Amazon.com sent me an email saying that, since I bought that, I would probably be interested in buying a book about the Python computer programming language. How did they know?!

FRIDAY: Ah! No, he didn't! Did...did Glenn Beck just diss Bill Nye? BLL NYE? The Science Guy? I don't care what side of the global warming debate you're on, YOU DON'T ARGUE WITH THE SCIENTIST WITH THE BOW TIE! Beck just lost the eight to 14 year-old demographic. I wouldn't be laughing if I was him - that's half his audience!

SATURDAY: Blippy. New Web site that lets you broadcast what you've been buying. Sounds like a lose-lose to me: either the stuff your friends are buying is more expensive than what you are buying, in which case you're a loser, or what you're buying is more expensive than what your friends are buying, in which case you're an environmental loser.

Where do I sign up?

SUNDAY: You know, I'd been thinking for weeks about how mild this winter had been. Then, my furnace broke. Curse you, irony! Curse you!

SOURCE: Random Thoughts and Blood Clots Home Page

[http:suzie.randomthoughts&bloodclots.blogspeck.com]
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