Chapter 3
March 14, 2010

The Primary Thing

The Republican Party is going through a spasm of ideological purity, with candidates for public office having to prove that they are Conservativier-than-thou. That should make for some interesting ads in the upcoming primary campaign to determine the Party's candidates in the midterm elections.

Billy-Joe-Bob Moses says he is against gays in the American military. Not only that, but he would drive gays out of our government altogether. Sure. Sure, he would. Only, rumour on the Internet has it that he was a fan of Elton John when he was a teenager. Elton. John. Think about that for a moment. Elton John. Not only that, but there are photographs of Billy-Joe-Bob on Flickr wearing...spandex. Makes you wonder...

Effiginia Meyer-Katz is on the record advocating chemical castration for all gay men and extraordinary rendition to Saudi Arabia for all lesbian women. Why? Because, as Effiginia has often said, “Extremism in defense of the family is no problem.”

The choice is clear. on September 4, you can vote for family values, or you can vote for...spandex.

I'm Effiginia Meyer-Katz, and I approved this ad.

Effiginia Meyer-Katz says she believes in a strong military. However, she wrote a letter to Congress opposing a bill that would have given the Pentagon a quadrillion dollars to set up a base on Pluto to ensure that China wouldn't get the drop on America in outer space. China! Drop on America! Outer space! How can she be such a penny pincher when our national security is at stake?

Hello! We own the mint! We can print as much money as we need to keep our country safe! Anything less, and you may as well just hand China the keys to the White House!

On September 4, vote for Germaine Strumpett for District 17 Republican candidate. Do not vote for Meyer-Katz. Burn her in Effigi...nia.

I'm Germaine Strumpett, and I approved this ad.

Germaine Strumpett has been campaigning for a little over two and a half days, now, yet he has refused to say whether or not he would bite the heads off of the children of illegal immigrants. Do we really want somebody in Congress who is soft on immigration? Rachel Bilquist is on the record as saying that not only would she bite the heads off of the children of illegal immigrants, but she would put the severed heads on pikes at the border as a warning to anybody even thinking about getting into our country illegally.

On September 4, vote for Rachel Bilquist for Republican candidate in District 17. Vote for a sane immigration policy.

I'm Rachel Bilquist, and I approved this ad.

Rachel Bilquist has never shot another human being in anger. In fact, security experts poring over images of her on the campaign trail say that there is a 98% chance that she does not carry a concealed weapon. Forget shooting scumbags. The odds are that high that Rachel Bilquist does not even carry a concealed weapon.

Reg Farqhuart has killed 27 people with a variety of handguns. And, he didn't have the advantage of being at war. No, sir! He killed them right here on the streets of District 17. Wounding is for sissies with bad aim, but we have to tell you that he seriously crippled far more than 27 people at the same time. Who would you trust more to protect your Second Amendment rights: a man who has killed 27 people and maimed many more with guns, or a woman who almost certainly does not carry a concealed weapon?

On September 4, vote your conscience. Vote for your personal safety. Vote Farqhuart.

I'm Reg Farqhuart, and I approved this ad.

Reg Farqhuart would like you to believe that he is pro-life because he has allegedly murdered three abortion doctors. Allegedly - nothing has been proven in a court of law. But, if he even did commit the murders that he claims to have committed, Farqhuart just shot the child murderers at close range with a gun. Compare that to Billy-Joe-Bob Moses, who is serving six consecutive life sentences for strangling six abortionists with his bare hands! Now, that's a commitment to the sanctity of life!

This election, the stakes are too high. On September 4, vote for a man who is willing to take the future of this country into his own hands. Vote for Billy-Joe-Bob Moses.

I'm Billy-Joe-Bob Moses, and I approved this ad.

I know who I would vote for. Do you?

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