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Chapter 5
March 28, 2010
The Daily Me - Arendt Hybertsson de Groote
Thank you, Arendt Hybertsson de Groote, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, are you the Arendt Hybertsson de Groote? We mean, of course you are - how many Arendt Hybertsson de Grootea could there possibly be in the world? Oh, man, we have all of your comic books! But, aah, of course, we got them from our parents. Because of, you know, the whole age thi - Arendt Hybertsson de Groote reads our little source for all of your transnational information news needs. Wow. It almost makes us forget how angry we are that we never saw you fight the World Crime League. Almost.
Enjoy,The Daily Me Staff Headline Condemns Biden
Hopes That's Good Enough For The Bnai Brith
The Israeli government's announcement that it plans on approving increased settlement building in East Jerusalem while United States Vice President Joe Biden was visiting the country was obviously not a coincidence.
Biden's presence in Israel was timed to coincide with the announcement in order to embarrass the government of Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu. Clearly, the American Vice President is an anti-Semite!
SOURCE: The Arad Post
[http://www.apost.com/servlet/Satellite?pagename=APost/APArticle/ShowFull&cid=1087851591336]
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When Did He Stop Making Soup?
James Cameron on Inside the Actor's Studio.
JAMES LIPTON: Let me tell you how great a director you are.
JAMES CAMERON: No, let me tell you how great a director I am.
LIPTON: You changed the nature of film as a medium.
CAMERON: I [EXPLETIVE DELETED] revolutionized film as a medium!
LIPTON: Do you think it would be fair to say that after Avatar, regular two-dimensional film will never fully satisfy an audience again?
CAMERON: Oh, look, if you're going to underplay my achievements, why don't you just stop asking questions and let me talk for the next 40 minutes?
LIPTON: Uhh…okay.
SOURCE: Drew's Transcript-o-rama
[http://www.transcript-o-rama.com/thetwojameses.shtml]
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And, Still Be In Power
The federal government's announcement that it plans on cutting 245 jobs in Ottawa's bureaucracy sounds impressive, until you realize that most of the positions are actually vacant. Only this government could cut jobs and still not save any money!
SOURCE: Toronto Startle
[http://www.thestartle.com/NASApp/cs/ContentServer?pagename=thestartle/Layout/Article_Type1&c=Article&cid=1688191831813&call_pageid=928335238492&col=96466972154]
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Meh - Where Did Thomas Walkom Get HIS Economics Degree?
SOURCE: Billy-Bob's International House O' Headlines
[http://www.com/lol.pdqfc.wwygw.wyswyg/fid=1276233238]
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A Guy Named Joe From Vancouver Had A Beer And Burped Loudly
One of the most surprising aspects of the Conservative budget was the fact that future energy projects will not be assessed by the Canadian Environmental Assessment Agency. They will be assessed by a guy named Bob from Calgary.
"It's an honour to be chosen by my government to serve in such an important capacity," a guy named Bob from Calgary said. "Uhh…what's an environmental assessment?"
SOURCE: Ottawa Stunned
[http://www.canoodle.com/NewsStand/OttawaStunned/News/2010/03/16/509727.html]
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What Could Geese Possibly Have Against Health Care?
Americans for Prosperity had a two-fer last week: the Honk No programme, which encouraged voters to drive around Washington honking their horns as a protest against health care reform, benefitted anti-reform and climate denial groups, both of which are clients. However, Americans for Prosperity also represents cigarette companies; why were they left out?
If Americans for Prosperity was on the ball, they would have suggested that protestors smoke while driving around and honking. Not only that, but they could throw their butts out the window at any Democrats they drove past. (But, with all due respect - after all, this was an act of civil disobedience.)
Of course, encouraging smoking would increase the incidence of heart disease, lung cancer and other illnesses, which would put further stress on the health care system, which would lead to a greater need for health care reform. Still, is that any reason for Americans for Prosperity to play favourites among its childre - we mean, clients?
SOURCE: The Postington Wash
[http://www.postingtonwash.com/wp-dyn/articles/A49881-2010Mar19.html]
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An Open And Shut (Your Mouth) Case
The Conservative Approach To Open Government
The problem with forming the governmentIs all those other parties in Parliament
Who are always getting in your face
About how much information you release, and its pace
They're not the government - hello!
They think just because they received a few votes, they have a right to know? If there is information that secret must stay
Call on MPs Putov, Stahl and DeLay Your soldiers capture a very bad man
And hand him over to the government of Afghanistan
Do they torture?
Oh, sure!
But, you have no choice, your soldiers must do it
Until the Liberals attempt to tie you to it You duck and weave and calls for investigations reject
But, your efforts to tar your detractors as being against the troops are having no effect
Before all of your political capital is spent,
On fighting people's judgment, Androcles Putov (Athabaska-Tarr-Feathers) suggests: prorogue Parliament!
On this, you can bet it:
By the time Parliament returns, everybody will forget it! To keep embarrassing information out of harm's way
Look to MPs Putov, Stahl and DeLay Your government has given feal-
Ty to the state of Israel
But government agency Rights and Democracy and its minions
Have been supportive of the rights of Palestinians
Replacing senior staff with people who will toe the line
At the arms-length agency has been like stepping on a landmine You pass the matter on to Mountainview-Valley MP Geraldine Stahl
Who knows exactly what to do with the ball
When a Commons committee names all the witnesses it can muster
She keeps them from testifying with a filibuster!
How brilliant was this? One of the people whose knowledge the public may never know
Is the former head of the agency's widow! To keep the opposition from using your mistakes to make hay
You really need MPs Putov, Stahl and DeLay You want to continue slashing taxes, but, what's that you say?
When you return to Parliament, the Afghan detainee issue won't go away?
A Parliamentary committee wants documents that show
Who knew what was happening and when they did know
it?
Oh, shit. Artimus DeLay, representing Carleton-Curfew
Knows exactly what to do
Ask a famous, well-respected judge
Which documents you have to release and which you can fudge
Give him a narrow mandate, and a small document selection
And make sure he doesn't report before the next election! When politics is a game you intend to win, not just play
You can always rely on MPs Putov, Stahl and DeLay
SOURCE: Poetry, Cornered
[http://www.cibc.com/ca/personal/poetrycorner/318.html]
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Welcome, Science Fiction Fans!
If you came to Les Pages aux Folles curious about my writing thanks to science fiction or fan fiction, welcome! You can find the complete text of Alternate Reality Ain't What It Used To Be and What Were Once Miracles Are Now Children's Toys in the Archive Section, as well as three new Alternate Reality News Stories every third week in the New Section. They are clearly marked [ARNS] for easy identification. And, please feel to browse through the other writing, cartoons and miscellaneous oddments - you never know what you might enjoy!
You may already be a winner? Well, actually...
It is with great pleasure that I can announce that I have taken first prize in the Swift Satire Writing Competition. This was for a poem called "Love Amid the Construction. The official announcement can be found here. Details of the contest, including, at some point soon, my winning entry, can be found here. What can I say?
WHOOT WHOOT WHOOT!
Do Not Adjust Your Eyes
The Weight of Information: Episode One: The Realities Leak is now available on YouTube! This pilot for a radio series is based on stories out of the two Alternate Reality News Service Books, Alternate Reality Ain't What It Used To Be and What Were Once Miracles Are Now Children's Toys (or, as one online used bookstore has it, What Were Once Miracles Are Now Children - don't ask). Click on this link to listen to Part One and this link to listen to Part Two. Interdimensional travel has never been so...multidimensional!
You May Already Be A Winner Redux
The Alternate Reality News Service, in conjunction with the Grasping for the Wind Web site, is running a contest! The readers who submit the best questions to either of the Alternate Reality News Service columns (which, regular readers will remember, are Ask Amritsar and Ask the Tech Answer Guy) will win free autographed copies of What Were Once Miracles Are Now Children's Toys (or, as one online discount bookseller has it listed, What Were Once Miracles Are Now Children - don't ask). Click on the link for the rules. Enter now, enter often!Ira Speaks!
Sal Monaco, the Oracle of Enlightenment who now does interviews at Think Twice Radio, conducted an interview with me at Polaris 24. Don't think twice: go to Sal Monaco's Think Twice Radio Web page and give it a listen!
The Alternate Reality News Service Grows Up
Have you ever wanted to know what goes on behind the scenes at the Alternate Reality News Service? Of course you didn't! But, now that the question has been raised, it sounds intriguing, no? Okay, probably not. Still, here's the thing: there is now a Facebook group called The Alternate Reality News Service Cafe. If you go there, you will automatically receive a tri-weekly newsletter full of exclusive information. It is also a place where you can contribute to the Alternate Reality News Service and even, perhaps, work your way up the ARNS ladder until you are given a journalistic beat all for yourself. Doesn't that sound exciting?
Don't answer that.
Would you be interested in immortality?
As you may have noticed, there is a weekly feature on Les Pages aux Folles called The Daily Me. Each article in this feature is a collection of bits and pieces of interest to a different person. I probably won't be shocking any of my readers when I say that, to date, I have made the persons up. (If you are shocked, I hear the Girls With Eyepatches site is nice this time of year...) Well, a future Daily Me could feature...you!
Simply send me an email with your name and the names of three or four publications you regularly read and three or four issues/subjects in which you have an interest. Then, let me digest them and, two or three weeks later, The Daily Me could be The Daily You! Your name will appear in my writing...forever! No complicated creams! No messy cryogenic devices! Immortality has never been easier! What are you waiting for?