Chapter 6
April 4, 2010

Death Is Easy...

She Did Make Great Mattresses, Though

Actress Jean Simmons has died. No need to send in the clowns - they've left the building.

Lawyers Are His Biggest Fans

Walter Frederick Morrison has died at the age of 90. In the 1960s, Morrison created the throwable plastic disc that was originally called the Pluto Platter, but eventually became famous as the frisbee. A million cases of people getting whiplash from being hit in the back of the head soon followed.

It's A Zinn How Some Progressives Are Treated

At the age of 87, Howard Zinn is history.

Why Are So Many Male Fashion Designers McQueens?

Forty year-old fashion designer Alexander McQueen has died. He will be buried naked except for some jewellery - a rebel to the end.

Ding Dong, The Witch Is Dead!

Former Vice President of the United States Dick Cheney has finally succumbed to heart failure, proving that even though the good die young, if you wait long enough, the bad eventually die, too.

Although It Would Be A Hell Of A Sendoff

Former Congressman Charlie Wilson lost his war with cardiopulmonary arrest at the age of 76. This was the Charlie Wilson who helped cover up the fact that Pakistan was developing nuclear weapons in order to get its cooperation in arming the Afghan mujaheddin, not the cute Charlie Wilson who decided to sponsor American funding for the mujaheddin in a Vegas hot tub full of naked women. Put it this way: Tom Hanks will NOT be playing Charlie Wilson at his funeral.

It Rhymes With: Hi, Verona!

Doug Feiger, lead singer of the pop group The Knack, has died at the age of 57. We could tell you what the band's best-known song was, but we won't because then you wouldn't be able to get it out of your head for the next three days, and we're not that cruel.

Secretary of State under Ronald Reagan Alexander Haig has died at the age of 85. Or, to put it another way, he has just been given the ultimate lesson about who is in control.

Always Bet On The Black

At the age of 89, mystery novelist Dick Francis has lost his race with death.

Sparklehorse? Wasn't That A CIA Psi-war Technique?

Mark Linkous, the singer-songwriter who fronted the indie band Sparklehorse, has died at the age of 47 after shooting himself in the chest. Sparklehorse may not have had a lot of fans, but each one of them did not start his own rock band.

He Was Just A Babcock In The Woods...

John Babcock, Canada's last survivor of World War I, has died. He asked that he not be given a state funeral, but the Canadian government wants to give him one anyway. It would seem that, even in death, Babcock cannot avoid battle.

Or, It Could Find Its Way Into A Museum Of British Comedy, In Which Case The Rest Of Him Will Be Buried Without It

British actor and film director Lionel Jeffries' moustache has died at the age of 83. It is expected that the rest of him will be buried with it.

Ding Dong, The Witch Is Hospitalized! (A Correction)

Apparently, former Vice President Dick Cheney is not dead. He was merely hospitalized having had his 57th mild heart attack. We would like to apologize to...those millions of Americans who were looking forward to his funeral.

At Least Nothing Burst From HIS Chest...

At the age of 78, that's a big "Cut! Wrap! Print!" for cinematographer Derek vanLint.

This Headline Wants To Excoriate Phonies, But Is Secretly Afraid It Is One Of Them

J. D. Salinger, author of the seminal teen angst novel Catcher in the Rye, has died at the age of 91. When they first heard the news, the question that occurred to all of his readers was: "He was still alive?" Apparently. Salinger was a recipient of the Howard Hughes Reclusiveness Award in 1983, 1987 and from 1996 to 2009.

He Was The White Sheep Of The Family

William Black, who, with his brother, founded Black's Photography in 1946, has died of cancer at the age of 84. I guess what they say is true: a picture would have lasted longer.

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