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Chapter 6
April 4, 2010
The Daily Me - Terry Firma
Thank you, Terry Firma, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, are you the Terry Firma? We mean, of course you are - how many Terry Firmas could there possibly be in the world? Oh, man, we have all of your comic books! But, aah, of course, we got them from our parents. Because of, you know, the whole age thi - Terry Firma reads our little source for all of your transnational information news needs. Wow. It almost makes us forget how Arendt Hybertsson de Grootes reads our little source for all of your transnational information news needs. Or, for that matter, how Buckaroo Bonzai reads our little source for all of your transnational information news needs.
We...uhh...actually, we find this whole hero worship thing kind of confusing.
Enjoy,The Daily Me Staff
It's Like Crickets, Only Without The Cadmium
According to the right-wing group-think tank Fraser Institute, government economic stimulus spending had a minor role in improving Canada's gross domestic product, and, therefore, had little to do with the country's economic recovery.
According to Conservative Party advertising, government stimulus spending was central to the country's economic recovery.
Shhh! Shhh - do you...do you hear that? That popping sound? That's the sound of the heads of conservatives across the country exploding.
SOURCE: Toronto Startle
[http://www.thestartle.com/NASApp/cs/ContentServer?pagename=thestartle/Layout/Article_Type1&c=Article&cid=
1088591331813&call_pageid=968335278492&col=968666972154]
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It's A Nice Place To Visit, But...
The Future [1]
Here's to Future Days: [2]Future Future Future Perfect! [3]
Future Legend: [4]
A Film for the Future. [5]
The Distant Future... [6] Myths of the Near Future, [7]
A Future Like Ours, [8]
A Better Future. [9] Girls of the Future, [10]
Built for the Future? [11]
The Future Embrace? [12]
Secrets from the Future: [13]
The Future is X-rated! [14] Victims of the Future: [15]
Hit to Death in the Future Head! [16]
Future Shock? [17]
Future Brite, [18]
The Future's So Bright, I Gotta Wear Shades! [19] The Future is Worse than the Past... [20]
The Future Now. [21] 1) Leonard Cohen
2) Thompson Twins
3) Freezepop
4) David Bowie
5) Idlewild
6) Flight of the Conchords
7) Klaxons
8) Face First
9) David Bowie
10) B. B. Gabor
11) The Fixx
12) Billy Corgan
13) MC Frontalot
14) Matthew Good Band
15) Gary Moore
16) Flaming Lips
17) Curtis Mayfield
18) Demander
19) Timbuk 3
20) R. Stevie Moore
21) Peter Hammill
SOURCE: Poetry, Cornered
[http://www.cibc.com/ca/personal/poetrycorner/317.html]
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And, You Think Joe Biden Has To Choose HIS Words More Carefully!
Panic is growing as, in the wake of passage of sweeping health care legislation in the United States, evangelical Christians throughout the world have disappeared.
"One moment, Mimi was shopping for automatic cantaloupe for the extensible deer," said boyfriend Alfred Witt-Ness, "the next, her clothes were lying in a heap on the floor! It would have been a neat trick...if it was a trick..."
Tens, possibly hundreds of thousands of people could be affected.
Meanwhile, Israel has attacked Iran and Saudi Arabia has attacked Israel in retaliation, starting a war that threatens to engulf the entire world.
"Really?" House minority leader John Boehner responded to the events. "All of that is really happening? I can't - you know, when I said that if health care reform passed we would be facing Armageddon, I was being a bit...hyperbolic. You know, exaggerating for maximum emotional impact. I never thought - wow."
SOURCE: CBBS News
[http://www.cbbsnews.com/stories/2010/03/23/armageddon/main542715.shtml]
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Coulter? I Never Even Met Her!
As a result of the cancellation of her speaking engagement at the University of Ottawa, right-wing pandering pundit Ann Coulter has asked Canadian right-wing pundit panderer Ezra Levant to file a human rights complaint on her behalf.
Several hours later, when the Ontario Human Rights Commission stopped laughing, it said, "No, seriously? Ann Coulter is now concerned about human rights?' and laughed for several more hours.
SOURCE: Ottawa Stunned
[http://www.canoodle.com/NewsStand/OttawaStunned/News/2010/03/24/508227.html]
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Obviously, He Was Talking About The Liberation Of Jerusalem In 165 BCE
SOURCE: No Comment Quotes
[http://thesepeopleareinsane.psy/update.toshtml]
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Permed And Dangerous
ALERT ALERT ALERT ALERT ALERT ALERT ALERT ALERT ALERT ALERT
Canadian Border Services officials are warned to look for people with the following characteristics: white; well dressed; having a deep sense of entitlement; quick to anger, slow to apologize. These people, who often travel with gangs of "aids," are likely to be Conservative Cabinet ministers. While most are peaceful, some will, when asked to comply with a lawful request, loudly challenge CBS officials, often with rude or insulting language. They are not known to be dangerous to anything other than the image the Conservative Party would like to maintain that its MPs are sane, reasonable people.
SOURCE: The Smoking Gut
[http://www.thesmokinggut.com/archive/108096382861023470563-794637486482632723017307cahs01.html]
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Of Course, The Dalai Lama Is Sure That Everybody Is A Very Nice Man
In order to brace himself against misfortune, golfer Tiger Woods has taken to wearing a Buddhist bracelet known as a pirith noola. "You might think that this thin bracelet wouldn't be very effective in helping me rise above my own worst impulses," Woods told a press conference, "but...uhh...it's thicker than it looks, and...and...and I plan on wearing it for a long time. A very long time."
In response, the Dalai Lama put out a statement that read, in part: "I am sure that Mister Woods is a very nice man, but I have nothing to do with him. Really. Nothing whatsoever. Please be clear on this point: no connection. At all. None."
SOURCE: Unicycle
[http://www.unicycle.com/new.php?p=articles&id=478&but=allis1]
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They Seem Awfully Delicate
Two major Canadian military lobby groups have argued that NATO must reinvent itself as an organization dedicated to wide-ranging nation-building. This is at the same time as the Canadian government is trying to reinvent its military as a kick-ass, take no prisoners, kill the scumbags fighting unit.
You hear that? Listen. Listen closely. Do you hear it now? That's the sound of conservatives, who had just gotten out of the hospital, having their heads explode again.
SOURCE: Toronto Startle
[http://www.thestartle.com/NASApp/cs/ContentServer?pagename=thestartle/Layout/Article_Type1&c=Article&cid=
1088591231813&call_pageid=968335278492&col=968666972154]
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Welcome, Science Fiction Fans!
If you came to Les Pages aux Folles curious about my writing thanks to science fiction or fan fiction, welcome! You can find the complete text of Alternate Reality Ain't What It Used To Be and What Were Once Miracles Are Now Children's Toys in the Archive Section, as well as three new Alternate Reality News Stories every third week in the New Section. They are clearly marked [ARNS] for easy identification. And, please feel to browse through the other writing, cartoons and miscellaneous oddments - you never know what you might enjoy!
You may already be a winner? Well, actually...
It is with great pleasure that I can announce that I have taken first prize in the Swift Satire Writing Competition. This was for a poem called "Love Amid the Construction. The official announcement can be found here. Details of the contest, including, at some point soon, my winning entry, can be found here. What can I say?
WHOOT WHOOT WHOOT!
Do Not Adjust Your Eyes
The Weight of Information: Episode One: The Realities Leak is now available on YouTube! This pilot for a radio series is based on stories out of the two Alternate Reality News Service Books, Alternate Reality Ain't What It Used To Be and What Were Once Miracles Are Now Children's Toys (or, as one online used bookstore has it, What Were Once Miracles Are Now Children - don't ask). Click on this link to listen to Part One and this link to listen to Part Two. Interdimensional travel has never been so...multidimensional!
You May Already Be A Winner Redux
The Alternate Reality News Service, in conjunction with the Grasping for the Wind Web site, is running a contest! The readers who submit the best questions to either of the Alternate Reality News Service columns (which, regular readers will remember, are Ask Amritsar and Ask the Tech Answer Guy) will win free autographed copies of What Were Once Miracles Are Now Children's Toys (or, as one online discount bookseller has it listed, What Were Once Miracles Are Now Children - don't ask). Click on the link for the rules. Enter now, enter often!Ira Speaks!
Sal Monaco, the Oracle of Enlightenment who now does interviews at Think Twice Radio, conducted an interview with me at Polaris 24. Don't think twice: go to Sal Monaco's Think Twice Radio Web page and give it a listen!
The Alternate Reality News Service Grows Up
Have you ever wanted to know what goes on behind the scenes at the Alternate Reality News Service? Of course you didn't! But, now that the question has been raised, it sounds intriguing, no? Okay, probably not. Still, here's the thing: there is now a Facebook group called The Alternate Reality News Service Cafe. If you go there, you will automatically receive a tri-weekly newsletter full of exclusive information. It is also a place where you can contribute to the Alternate Reality News Service and even, perhaps, work your way up the ARNS ladder until you are given a journalistic beat all for yourself. Doesn't that sound exciting?
Don't answer that.
Would you be interested in immortality?
As you may have noticed, there is a weekly feature on Les Pages aux Folles called The Daily Me. Each article in this feature is a collection of bits and pieces of interest to a different person. I probably won't be shocking any of my readers when I say that, to date, I have made the persons up. (If you are shocked, I hear the Girls With Eyepatches site is nice this time of year...) Well, a future Daily Me could feature...you!
Simply send me an email with your name and the names of three or four publications you regularly read and three or four issues/subjects in which you have an interest. Then, let me digest them and, two or three weeks later, The Daily Me could be The Daily You! Your name will appear in my writing...forever! No complicated creams! No messy cryogenic devices! Immortality has never been easier! What are you waiting for?