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Chapter 7
April 11, 2010
Ask the Tech Answer Guy About the Framistat [ARNS]
Yo, Tech Answer Guy,
Lately, I've been having trouble with my framistat. Any suggestions?
Sincerely,Bah-Ri in Bahrain
Yo, Bah-Ri,
I find that cleaning out the sedge pump helps maximize the efficiency of a framistat. Of course, that assumes that there isn't a hole in the feed line from the gluten pan - that could also maybe be the source of your problem. To be on the safe side, you might want to remove the gluten pan feed line and do a licorice honey test on it. Why not? Even if you don't find anything, you end up with a tub full of licorice honey, and it is both tasty and has a million and one uses in the home.
The Tech Answer Guy
Yo, Tech Answer Guy,
When Bah-Ri in Bahrain recently asked for help with his framistat, you suggested that he clean out the sedge pump. Are you sure that's the right advice? Because, I'm pretty sure they stopped making framistats with sedge pumps back in '93. Don't modern framistats come with hyper-air injection dongles?
Sincerely,Hui-Fing in Beijing
Yo, Hui-Fing,
I think you're thinking of the Elysian framistat. Those are quite rare, and probably more expensive than my readers can afford. I'm not casting aspersions on anybody's career choices, I'm just saying. I was thinking of the homeostatic framistat which has never come with hyper-air injection dongles - they would get in the way of the Gordian piston knots. And, even the most inexperienced engineer knows that allowing anything to get in the way of Gordian piston knots can only lead to madness.
The Tech Answer Guy
Yo, Tech Answer Guy,
Are you sure you aren't confusing homeostatic framistats with framistatic homeostats? Your average homeostatic framistat sedge pump only gets 15 square inches to the decaliter. Your average framistatic homeostat sedge pump, by way of contrast, gets as much as 127 square inches to the decaliter (in country driving on a warm and cloudless day with a professional rodeo clown behind the wheel). That would put a whole different spin on Bah-Ri in Bahrain's question, don't you think?
Sincerely,Fugard in Fiji
Yo, Fugard,
I considered the possibility that Bah-Ri in Bahrain was talking about a framistatic homeostat, but they tend to seize up in warm weather, and, consequently, are only found in heavy machinery close to the poles. Your basic homeostatic framistat, on the other hand, is heavily lubricated with spam, and good to go in all climates.
The Tech Answer Guy
Yo, Tech Answer Guy,
I think you're selling the framistatic homeostat short. Three years ago, Northrop-Grumman (which doesn't actually make any products containing framistats, but had a few engineers lying around idle because of the recession and decided to throw at the problem) came up with the recession-proof kludge to the framistatic homeostat's seizure tendencies. Road and Diver magazine gave it three and a half stars (out of 17.241), even though framistats aren't parts of cars. That's how impressed they were. I think that if you gave the framistatic homeostat with the recession-proof kludge another look, you might come to have more respect for it.
Sincerely,Leon in Lemuria
Yo, Leon,
Oh, I have given the framistatic homeostat another look because of the recession-proof kludge. Lots of looks. In fact, I took it to dinner several times. Not to fancy restaurants, either, because, frankly, I realized from the first date that the framistatic homeostat would show its recession-proof kludges to any guy who was nice to it. Sorry, but I just couldn't find it in me to respect it in the morning.
The Tech Answer Guy
Yo, Tech Answer Guy,
I'm sorry, but I don't see how any of this will help me get the framistat in my vacuubot working better.
Sincerely,Bah-Ri in Bahrain
Yo, Bah-Ri,
The framistat in your vacuubot? I thought you were talking about the framistat in your Home PortalTM! Really, how am I supposed to give you good advice when you can't even articulate the problem properly!
The Tech Answer Guy
If you are a dude with a question about the latest technology, ask The Tech Answer Guy by sending it to him care of this publication. Just remember: The Tech Answer Guy doesn't do Windows. Don't ask.
Welcome, Science Fiction Fans!
If you came to Les Pages aux Folles curious about my writing thanks to science fiction or fan fiction, welcome! You can find the complete text of Alternate Reality Ain't What It Used To Be and What Were Once Miracles Are Now Children's Toys in the Archive Section, as well as three new Alternate Reality News Stories every third week in the New Section. They are clearly marked [ARNS] for easy identification. And, please feel to browse through the other writing, cartoons and miscellaneous oddments - you never know what you might enjoy!
You may already be a winner? Well, actually...
It is with great pleasure that I can announce that I have taken first prize in the Swift Satire Writing Competition. This was for a poem called "Love Amid the Construction. The official announcement can be found here. Details of the contest, including, at some point soon, my winning entry, can be found here. What can I say?
WHOOT WHOOT WHOOT!
Do Not Adjust Your Eyes
The Weight of Information: Episode One: The Realities Leak is now available on YouTube! This pilot for a radio series is based on stories out of the two Alternate Reality News Service Books, Alternate Reality Ain't What It Used To Be and What Were Once Miracles Are Now Children's Toys (or, as one online used bookstore has it, What Were Once Miracles Are Now Children - don't ask). Click on this link to listen to Part One and this link to listen to Part Two. Interdimensional travel has never been so...multidimensional!
You May Already Be A Winner Redux
The Alternate Reality News Service, in conjunction with the Grasping for the Wind Web site, is running a contest! The readers who submit the best questions to either of the Alternate Reality News Service columns (which, regular readers will remember, are Ask Amritsar and Ask the Tech Answer Guy) will win free autographed copies of What Were Once Miracles Are Now Children's Toys (or, as one online discount bookseller has it listed, What Were Once Miracles Are Now Children - don't ask). Click on the link for the rules. Enter now, enter often!Ira Speaks!
Sal Monaco, the Oracle of Enlightenment who now does interviews at Think Twice Radio, conducted an interview with me at Polaris 24. Don't think twice: go to Sal Monaco's Think Twice Radio Web page and give it a listen!
The Alternate Reality News Service Grows Up
Have you ever wanted to know what goes on behind the scenes at the Alternate Reality News Service? Of course you didn't! But, now that the question has been raised, it sounds intriguing, no? Okay, probably not. Still, here's the thing: there is now a Facebook group called The Alternate Reality News Service Cafe. If you go there, you will automatically receive a tri-weekly newsletter full of exclusive information. It is also a place where you can contribute to the Alternate Reality News Service and even, perhaps, work your way up the ARNS ladder until you are given a journalistic beat all for yourself. Doesn't that sound exciting?
Don't answer that.
Would you be interested in immortality?
As you may have noticed, there is a weekly feature on Les Pages aux Folles called The Daily Me. Each article in this feature is a collection of bits and pieces of interest to a different person. I probably won't be shocking any of my readers when I say that, to date, I have made the persons up. (If you are shocked, I hear the Girls With Eyepatches site is nice this time of year...) Well, a future Daily Me could feature...you!
Simply send me an email with your name and the names of three or four publications you regularly read and three or four issues/subjects in which you have an interest. Then, let me digest them and, two or three weeks later, The Daily Me could be The Daily You! Your name will appear in my writing...forever! No complicated creams! No messy cryogenic devices! Immortality has never been easier! What are you waiting for?