Chapter 7
April 11, 2010

The Daily Me - Toyonoshima

Thank you, Toyonoshima, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, we woke up.

Baaa-glug! Baaa-glug! Glug glug glug!

A 30 year dispute between India and Bangladesh over ownership of a small rock in the Bay of Bengal called New Moore Island has ended. Rising ocean levels have submerged the rock island under water, making the dispute moot.

"This could be a blueprint for resolving ownership of a wide varieties of territories," excitedly stated Falkland Islands Governor Howard Pearce. "If England and Argentina don't come to a peaceful agreement, we just wait until the island is completely submerged and there will be nothing left to fight over!"

When it was pointed out to Pearce that being under water might make it hard to graze sheep, he responded, "Not to worry: we're already researching ways to put snorkels on them!"

SOURCE: Daily Semaphore

[http://www.opinion.semaphore.co.uk/opinion/main.jhtml;sessionid=M5UF23LWOLFFPM5WAVCBQ0JVC?nextPage=/DUereDE/wXeR.WZvwF?7wF~/DUereisawelbaDE/s119/Os/14/JD141O.7wF!2qZiiv~/DUeReDR/s119/Os/14/
e7DUeReDR.ZvwF!2iG3gimmygi2Z~vg3i&resize=null&_requestid=21573]
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Debate Involving More Than One Point Of View Is So 1776

Ottawa professor Paul Saurette and columnist Margaret Wente debate Ann Coulter's right to free speech in the wake of the cancellation of her talk at the University of Ottawa.

SAURETTE: Coulter should have been allowed to speak.

WENTE: Coulter should have damn well been allowed to speak!

PAUSE.

SAURETTE: So...uhh...wanna grab a drink?

WENTE: It's 10 in the morning.

SAURETTE: It doesn't have to be that kind of a drink.

WENTE: You buying?

SAURETTE: Okay.

WENTE: Sure.

SOURCE: Glob and Maul

[http://www.globandmaul.com/servlet/story/RTGAM.20100326.eladvote0326_@/BNStory/specialCoulterastrophe2010/]
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The Coal, Oil And Nuclear Industries Thank You

January 1 to December 31. Anti-Earth 8759 Hours. Essentially, all of the hours in the year that are not Earth Hour. This is a time devoted specifically to not thinking about the choices that you make that help speed environmental destruction. Feel free to desecrate the planet in any way that fits your lifestyle during this time.

SOURCE: The Non-existent Pages

[http://www.utopia.tv/erewhon/index.html]
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When The Republican Party's Fantasy Machine Finally Catches Up With It

One term Republican Senator Scott Brown has conceded defeat in his bid to keep his Massachusetts seat. "I congratulate Rachel Maddow," he said in his concession speech. "She ran a strong campaign."

"WHAT CAMPAIGN?" Maddow responded on her MSNBC television show. "I was never approached by the Democratic Party to run. Not once. Ever. I never asked to run and I never agreed to run. I have said that I wasn't running 237 times on this very show. You don't believe me? We made a video out of 50 of them. It's all over the Internets. Really. Look for it. How could I possibly have been elected to a public office I did not even seek?"

Umm...write in votes?

SOURCE: Alternate Reality News Service

[http://www.arns.com/sinbin?id=32321441316001314687fx]
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Mossad Swears By It

The Indian military has a new weapon against terrorism: the world's hottest chili.

"The trick," said defence researcher R. B. Srivastava, "will be to get the terrorists to eat it. At the moment, we are putting a lot of effort into creating an aroma that will be irresistible, but, ahh, that might be considered a chemical weapon, which, as you know, is banned by the Geneva Conventions."

Srivastava added that another possibility is to use maternal guilt. "If we plant the idea in the minds of our enemies that they need to finish everything on their plate before they explode their bombs, we could deploy the chili to prevent a terrorist attack," Srivastava explained. "We call this the 'Jewish Mother Approach.' It has been very effective in trials."

SOURCE: Disassociated Press

[http://www.bltdaily.com/]
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Odds Are Good I Will Be Getting Hate Mail For This One

Passage of health care reform has dramatically increased the number of death threats against Democratic members of Congress, and it's showing up on international betting boards.

Who will be the first Democratic member of the current Congress to be assassinated? According to YouBetYourLife.com, the odds are:

President Barack Obama has, of course, been the subject of his own assassination betting pool. Interestingly, since the opening of the Congressional pool, the odds favouring Obama being assassinated in his first term have gone down, from even to three to one.

At the Web site, which is hosted on a server on New Moore Island, you can also bet on the method of assassination. Although the gun is the overwhelming favourite, there are still some surprises in the odds.

SOURCE: Geekly News & World Report

[http://www.geeklynews.com/geeklynews/issue/100325/geeklynews/01hacienda.htm]
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It's Not Exactly Atlas Shrugging, But These Continue To Be Times Of Diminished Expectations

David Frum has been kicked out of the American Enterprise Institute's clubhouse. "He's a goober-face," said AEI President Arthur Brooks, "and we don't associate with goober-faces in our club!"

"This is really childish," Frum responded. "If we can't have an adult conversation about the direction of the Conservative movement, we'll never -"

"Goober-face! Goober-face! Goober-face! Goober-face!" chimed in the editorial board of the Wall Street Journal. In response, Frum shrugged a "waddya gonna do?" shrug.

SOURCE: The National Whipping Post

[http://www.canada.com/national/nationalwhippingpost/news/story.html?ia=0ec1ecda-b6e6-4c18-bf2b-07b657cc2ec]
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How Many Gun References Can You Jam Into 140 Characters?

One of the remedies Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke has proposed for companies that are too big to fail is a "living will" that would give regulators a road map for winding the company down if it did fail.

Sarah Palin immediately blogged that this was "corporate death panels!" and suggested that her followers "lock and load," "take aim at the Fed Chairman" and "fire him with extreme prejudice."

When challenged for her use of violent imagery, the Accidental Governor responded: "You think I shoot my mouth off too much? Well, let me tell ya, I'm loaded for bear! So, be careful what you say to me, cause this pistol-packing mama doesn't plan on losing any shootouts any time soon!" All the journalists in the room scratched their heads, wondering what Palin was talking about.

Then, she winked, and all the journalists in the room sighed.

SOURCE: The Postington Wash

[http://www.postingtonwash.com/wp-dyn/articles/A49881-2010Mar27.html]
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