Chapter 8
April 18, 2010

The Daily Me - Indiana Marmoset

Thank you, Indiana Marmoset, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then...well, that was then. No use dwelling on the past.

In 2011 Remember: Our Troops Are Dying For A Touring Company Production Of Duck Soup

Afghan President Hamid Karzai, under increasing pressure to end corruption in his government and his country, threatened to quit the political process and join the Taliban if western nations didn't stop bugging him about it.

"Some threat! Hasn't he heard?" American Secretary of State Hillary Clinton commented, "We're willing to negotiate with some members of the Taliban now. Karzai can't get out of dealing with us that easily!"

"Son of a bitch!" Karzai mumbled. "May your wives have humps and your camels have dysentery!"

SOURCE: Deadline News Network

[http://www.dnn.com/2010/ALLPOLITICS/03/06/reps.main/index.html]
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1>> More than 25,000 Americans are diagnose with a malignant glioma every year.

2>> The discovery and characterization of a tiny population of tumor-regenerating stem cells within brain tumors brings new hope these deadly cancers can be successfully treated.

3>> We need a new title for this feature, cause Fun Facts these ain't.

SOURCE: Scientific Canadian

[http://www.scican.com/article.cfm?chanID=sc003&articleID=1124H3DOA-2C145-27K5-AA1582614B177777]
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How Many Sides Can One Mouth Have?

SOURCE: No Comment Quotes

[http://thesepeopleareinsane.psy/update.toshtml]
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The Province Needs Niqabsolution For Its Sins

I do not like acid pink hot pants. They make me uncomfortable. But that's not a good enough reason to argue that they be banned or, worse, that those wearing them be denied public services, including education and even health care.

Yet, that is what Quebec is proposing.

SOURCE: Toronto Startle

[http://www.thestartle.com/NASApp/cs/ContentServer?pagename=thestartle/Layout/Article_Type1&c=Article&cid=1055591831813
&call_pageid=968335728492&col=968874972154]
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The Empire Strikes A Pose

A group calling itself the "Guardians of the Free Republics" has sent a letter to Darth Vader giving him the choice of, among other things, eliminating mortgages, waiving auto registration requirements and abolishing the IRS or resigning in three days as chief enforcer of the Empire.

Vader's response was to use the Force to track the Guardians down, kill each and every one and use the Death Star to destroy their home planets. "I love bipartisanship," Vader commented.

SOURCE: Alternate Reality News Service

[http://www.arns.com/sinbin?id=62322871314641394687fx]
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What's Yours Is Mime And What's Mime Is...Whatever...

Several entertainers expressed outrage over the weekend at a Good Friday sermon in which the Pope's personal preacher, the Reverend Raniero Cantalamessa, likened the widespread public response to the child abuse coverup to the "collective ridicule suffered by mimes. I mean, people really hate mimes. And, why? They are relatively harmless street performers."

While this statement diminishing the seriousness of the Catholic Church's actions should have sparked more outrage, ultimately, it was about mimes, so many people agreed with Reverend Cantalamessa's assessment and nobody else really cared.

SOURCE: Unicycle

[http://www.unicycle.com/new.php?p=articles&id=498&but=allis1]
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April 19 to 26: TV Turn On Week. We know television turns you on. Don't try to deny it. Watching television isn't like smoking cigarettes while eating face gunk in bed wearing crackers - those dummies at TV Turnoff Week have it all wrong. Watching television is more life-affirming than kicking a penguin. So, drop whatever you're doing this week and rush home to watch television. You know you want to.

SOURCE: The Non-existent Pages

[http://www.utopia.tv/erewhon/index.html]
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And, Those Were The More Coherent Responses!

In an interview with a surprised and shaken Matt Lauer, President Obama seemed to have an attack of The Honesties when he said: "I'm sick and tired of the Republicans blaming Democrats for the economic crisis. You know, thirty years of neo-con economics has almost bankrupted this country and brought the world to the brink of a second Great Depression. If Republicans don't want to work with us to fix the problems they created, fine. I stopped expecting people in Washington to act like grown-ups years ago. However, if they keep repeating a lie about who caused this financial mess - yes, I'm talking to you, John Boehner - Democrats will call them out on it."

When he heard the news, Rush Limbaugh had a brain hemorrhage, not that anybody much noticed. Mitch McConnell ran around in circles, screaming: "He's called us out! He's called us out! What are we supposed to do now?" John Boehner cowered behind Michelle Bachmann's skirts. Unfortunately, Representative Bachmann was ranting about the census being used as the basis for rounding up citizens and putting them into internment camps, so her skirts gave him no cover. Glenn Beck curled up in a ball on the floor of his studio and sobbed for his mommy.

SOURCE: The Podunk Mash & Enquirer

[http://www.podunkmash.com/wp-dyn/articles/A49882-2010Apr1.html]
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See No Evil, Hear No Evil, Trade With No Evil

INT. SMALL OFFICE - DAY

CANADIAN PRIME MINISTER STEPHEN HARPER sits with COLOMBIAN PRESIDENT ALVARO URIBE. Their jackets are off, shirt collars undone. They are sharing a beer.

HARPER: To trade!

URIBE: To trade!

They drink.

HARPER: Some people in my country are worried about your human rights record.

URIBE: What's not to like?

HARPER: Would it be a problem, if, as a condition of our trade agreement, we ask you to monitor your police and military and report any human rights abuses back to us?

URIBE: Of course not! Rest assured that -

SOUND: screaming, off.

URIBE: (over screaming) I assure you that -

SOUND: screaming gets louder.

URIBE: (louder) You have no cause -

SOUND: screaming gets even louder.

URIBE: (shouting) Excuse me!

Uribe leaves the room. Several seconds pass. SOUND: gunshot. Screaming abruptly ends. Uribe returns to the room and sits behind his desk.

URIBE: When it comes to human rights, I assure you that you have no cause for concern.

HARPER: That's what I was waiting to hear. (pause) Can I get another beer before I go?

SOURCE: This 22 Minutes Feels Like An Hour

[http://www.mothercorp.ca/hour22minutes/]
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