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Chapter 9
April 25, 2010

Headlines are Still Waiting for the Peace Dividend

He'll Need More Than A Compliant Media When He Takes Berlin With His Celeb Tactics

"Karl Rove takes New York with celeb tactics" - Globe and Mail

What Are You Talking About?
They Win Conservatives Votes Just Fine

"Tough-on-crime policies don't work, study finds" - Toronto Star

What If They Involve Yogurt?

"NO EXPIRY DATE ON CHASING DREAMS" - National Post

Mmm...Dinner...Dinner Jacket - Tough Call

"These days, there's no excuse not to own your own dinner jacket" - Globe and Mail

Supercalafridg - Uhh, Supercabala - Supercalafraga - Supercalafornia - Oh, Dammit! Are You Sure?

"When 'sorry' is harder than the hardest word" - Toronto Star

Obviously, The Country Is Moving Very Slowly...

"China moves to cool yuan dispute
As US Congress ramps up pressure, envoy to visit Washington in effort to open dialogue" - Globe and Mail

"Hu rebuffs Obama on Yuan, says Beijing will not be pressured" - Globe and Mail

Who Would Be Dumb Enough To Eat A Hockey - Oh

"Second company probes lead levels in hockey sticks" - Globe and Mail

Who Is This Imposter And What Have You Done With The Former Fed Chairman?

"Greenspan says tighter rein needed on Wall St." - Toronto Star

Well, You Wouldn't Want The Batch To Go Stale, Would You?

"Fresh batch of taxpayer-funded flyers in the mail
House voted to end the practice of ten-per-centers but motion has not been acted upon" - Globe and Mail

The Preferred Term Is "Compassion Challenged"

"Don't call me right-wing, Rossi insists" - Toronto Star

It's Not That We're Not Grateful That You Saved Us From Ourselves, But...

"Massive deficits have investors on edge" - Globe and Mail

Is That A Polite Way To Say He Has A Low Sperm Count?
Because, These Days, It's Okay To Talk About It Openly

"His Great Big Sea is now home to two pint-sized swimmers" - National Post

Hey! - This Might Just Work Out...For Them...Again...

"Ten more agree to 'say on pay'
Shareholder says he's not finished" - Globe and Mail

"Shareholders overwhelmingly endorse exec pay
Say-on-pay voters decline to give firms a thumping on the issue" - Globe and Mail

Pity - Lots Of Pity

"DRIPS secret to success" - Globe and Mail

Oh, Liberal Newspaper, You're So Adorable!
Never Grow Up!

"Don't sell out core industries" - Toronto Star

Sure It Dogrrblex Verblenjenhissenses - DAMMIT!

"Spontaneity doesn't just happen" - Globe and Mail

What Would Be The Point If It Didn't?

"Study may have treatment implications" - Globe and Mail

Just Don't Ask How She Gets It Into Her

"Madonna is into coconut water" - Toronto Star

They're Not Eating...With Extreme Prejudice!

"MOSCOW SUICIDE BOMBING
Violent Caucasus and the iron fast" - Globe and Mail

World Shrugs
Atlas Complains World Stealing His Gig

"RICKY MARTIN TELLS WORLD HE'S GAY" - Toronto Star

Answering That Question Is The Subject Of My Next Book

"Abba members on reunion: 'Why not?'" - Globe and Mail

And, He Still Made More Than 95 Per Cent Of People On The Planet

"SunLife CEO's pay fell 42 per cent last year" - Globe and Mail

When, With A Majority, He Doesn't Have To Care What Anybody Thinks?

"When is Harper going to raise a storm over real issue?" - National Post

Headline Ranks High On Low Comprehensibility Scale

"Canada ranks high in low business costs" - Globe and Mail

History Plans To Fake Left, Duck Right

"BRAZIL
Presidential aide resigns to make run at history" - Toronto Star

Stupidity Also Played A Major Role

"Crisis not driven just by greed" - National Post

Eww! Cannibals!

"Time is right for food court king to eat some rivals" - Globe and Mail

Industry CEO Two Years Too Late

"Citi heavyweights deny role in collapse" - Globe and Mail

"Industry CEO warns of 'irrationality' - Globe and Mail

But, Of Course, He Denies It Completely

"OJ could reduce impact of fast food" - Toronto Star

Especially When They're In Your Great Big Sea

"Count your eggs, not your chickens" - National Post

You Go In To Remove A Wart
You Come Out With A New Spleen

"U.K. investigates 800,000 organ transplant errors" - Toronto Star

And, How Has That Worked For Them?

"Church's fear of scandal led to cover-ups" - Toronto Star

And, How Is That Working Out For Them?

"Breakaway Anglican group requests union with Rome" - National Post

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Welcome, Science Fiction Fans!

If you came to Les Pages aux Folles curious about my writing thanks to science fiction or fan fiction, welcome! You can find the complete text of Alternate Reality Ain't What It Used To Be and What Were Once Miracles Are Now Children's Toys in the Archive Section, as well as three new Alternate Reality News Stories every third week in the New Section. They are clearly marked [ARNS] for easy identification. And, please feel to browse through the other writing, cartoons and miscellaneous oddments - you never know what you might enjoy!

You may already be a winner? Well, actually...

It is with great pleasure that I can announce that I have taken first prize in the Swift Satire Writing Competition. This was for a poem called "Love Amid the Construction. The official announcement can be found here. Details of the contest, including, at some point soon, my winning entry, can be found here. What can I say?

WHOOT WHOOT WHOOT!

Do Not Adjust Your Eyes

The Weight of Information: Episode One: The Realities Leak is now available on YouTube! This pilot for a radio series is based on stories out of the two Alternate Reality News Service Books, Alternate Reality Ain't What It Used To Be and What Were Once Miracles Are Now Children's Toys (or, as one online used bookstore has it, What Were Once Miracles Are Now Children - don't ask). Click on this link to listen to Part One and this link to listen to Part Two. Interdimensional travel has never been so...multidimensional!

You May Already Be A Winner Redux

The Alternate Reality News Service, in conjunction with the Grasping for the Wind Web site, is running a contest! The readers who submit the best questions to either of the Alternate Reality News Service columns (which, regular readers will remember, are Ask Amritsar and Ask the Tech Answer Guy) will win free autographed copies of What Were Once Miracles Are Now Children's Toys (or, as one online discount bookseller has it listed, What Were Once Miracles Are Now Children - don't ask). Click on the link for the rules. Enter now, enter often!

Ira Speaks!

Sal Monaco, the Oracle of Enlightenment who now does interviews at Think Twice Radio, conducted an interview with me at Polaris 24. Don't think twice: go to Sal Monaco's Think Twice Radio Web page and give it a listen!

The Alternate Reality News Service Grows Up

Have you ever wanted to know what goes on behind the scenes at the Alternate Reality News Service? Of course you didn't! But, now that the question has been raised, it sounds intriguing, no? Okay, probably not. Still, here's the thing: there is now a Facebook group called The Alternate Reality News Service Cafe. If you go there, you will automatically receive a tri-weekly newsletter full of exclusive information. It is also a place where you can contribute to the Alternate Reality News Service and even, perhaps, work your way up the ARNS ladder until you are given a journalistic beat all for yourself. Doesn't that sound exciting?

Don't answer that.

Would you be interested in immortality?

As you may have noticed, there is a weekly feature on Les Pages aux Folles called The Daily Me. Each article in this feature is a collection of bits and pieces of interest to a different person. I probably won't be shocking any of my readers when I say that, to date, I have made the persons up. (If you are shocked, I hear the Girls With Eyepatches site is nice this time of year...) Well, a future Daily Me could feature...you!

Simply send me an email with your name and the names of three or four publications you regularly read and three or four issues/subjects in which you have an interest. Then, let me digest them and, two or three weeks later, The Daily Me could be The Daily You! Your name will appear in my writing...forever! No complicated creams! No messy cryogenic devices! Immortality has never been easier! What are you waiting for?