Chapter 10
May 2, 2010

Split Infinities [ARNS]

Welcome to ARNS Home Universe Generator^TM 3.6.4! Those of you who have used previous versions of the ARNS Home Universe Generator^TM will find that the software has changed substantially. Those of you who are new to multiverse traveling are in for a treat!

One of the most obvious changes is to the Google Multiverse search engine^TM, which is now capable of parsing natural language questions (EXAMPLE: "What would the universe have been like if Donnie Osmond had been born in 17th century Scotland?"). Google has also dealt with the complaint that, no matter how complex and specific the query terms (in one infamous case, Maybelle Truilliano spent two years on her query, eventually publishing it in the 300 page book But, No, What am I Really Looking For? ), the search engine always returned an infinite number of hits. It now limits hits to search queries to 12 universes chosen at random. Should those not be satisfactory, simply tweak the search with new terms until you find a universe you want to watch. (For more, see NEW, GOOGLE MULTIVERSETM, page 37.)

For those of you who are new to ARNS Home Universe Generator^TM technology, the multiverse can seem a strange and daunting place.

The ARNS Home Universe Generator^TM is based on the theory of multiply branching universes at every choice point at every moment in every person's life. Although it gives many philosophers the screaming heebie jeebies, the idea is fairly simple. Say you are hungry. In this universe, you choose to eat asparagus tips in a white wine sauce. In a second universe, you choose to eat deep fried tofu. In a third universe, you choose to eat wrapping paper. And, so on, through an infinite number of possible choices, wise, foolish or simply disgusting. Every moment since the beginning of time, such choices have created untold infinities of universes, seemingly accelerating with the arrival of human free will (with the exception of Corey Haim, who, inexplicably, lives exactly the same life no matter which universe he is in); every moment to the end of time will generate new infinities of universes.

The first thing you will notice in your multiverse travels is that some universes are exactly like ours. This is because, although universes diverge at choice points, none start from them; they all start at the Big Bang. Therefore, there are universes that have evolved to the same point as ours; the divergence has yet to happen. In fact, there are an infinite number of universes that are exactly the same as ours. In a similar vein, there are an infinite number of empty universes where the number of particles of matter at the Big Bang exactly equaled the number of particles of anti-matter, annihilating the universe in the first fraction of a nanosecond of its existence. Aside from the odd nihilist, these universes will not interest anybody. (For more, see, BOREDOM, AVOIDANCE OF, page 57.)

The second thing many people notice is that many universes diverge in trivial ways. How would your life have been different if you had been born with blue hair and yellow eyes instead of the other way around? In an infinite number of universes, it would have made no difference. (For more, see, SEARCHES, FRUITFUL, page 127.) Of course, there are also an infinite number of universes where such a change does make a meaningful difference in your life. What is meaningful tends to be a matter of personal taste, however, so, in learning how to differentiate between the two, you're on your own.

Another thing worth noting because it is often commented upon by ARNS Home Universe Generator^TM users is that monumental changes in history often lead to uninteresting realities. The example most often cited is: what would have happened if Germany had won World War II? (Ranking second: what would have happened if Hello Kitty had won World War II?) In an infinite number of universes, Hitler is assassinated by his officers and the German empire collapses within a week, to be replaced by a resurgent United States. Again, it's possible that such a universe will satisfy you. Stranger things have happened. We're just saying. (For more, see, SEARCHES, FRUITFUL, REFINEMENT OF, page 137.)

Many ARNS Home Universe Generator^TM users have made a sport of looking for choice points where our universe diverges from another; however, although an infinite number are theoretically generated every second, there is no documented evidence of one being found. Nor would it matter. If one universe diverged from ours, there would still be an infinite number that were exactly like ours. The multiverse is like that.

The tendency of infinities to accumulate in the Multiverse is its most disconcerting feature. (For more, see INFINITY DELERIUM, SIGNS OF, page 267, and INFINITY ADDICTION, HELP GROUPS FOR, page 277). There are an infinite number of universes where leprechauns run Wall Street. The number of universes where blue is a fruit and the oranges are a type of sad music? Infinite. There are universes where John Phillip Sousa became a king in the month of March. That's right - even bad jokes proliferate in infinite universes! Should you find your grasp of reality slipping away, the Surgeon General recommends that you immediately turn off you ARNS Home Universe Generator^TM and read the Congressional Record until the feeling goes away.

Welcome to the Multiverse - sorry for the inconvenience!

Excerpted from the Introduction to So You've Just Bought An ARNS Home Universe Generator^TM, Now What?: A User's Guide. Copyright ARNS Laboratories. All rights reserved throughout all of the realities of the Multiverse.

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