Chapter 10
May 2, 2010

Tar Sands Babies Out of Luck [ARNS]

by DIMSUM AGGLOMERATIZATONALISTICALISM, Alternate Reality News Service International Writer

Baby Pierce was born with three toes sticking out of his forehead and no saliva glands. Baby Caprice was born with a nose in the shape of an anteater and a distended spleen. Baby Fergie was born with no mouth and she must scream...quotes from British Hansard, but she can't, so she hums them very loudly instead.

And, they are some of the lucky ones.

Thanks to ever-expanding tar sands oil extraction, all of the Canadian province of Alberta, from its southern border with Montana to its northern border with...whatever the hell is on its northern border, is a toxic black hole in the ground. Think of Albrecht Durer's woodcut "The Four Horsemen," without the pies in the face. This has led to, among other things, some body parts falling off at embarrassing moments. Just last week, for instance, Jesse Arroyo of Calgary, who went down on one knee to propose to his girlfriend Farfisa Ignugen, found it stayed on the ground when he stood back up.

And, of course, the polluted environment is believed to be the cause of the deformed babies.

"It is an outrage," stated Senator Jon "Cash And" Kairry (D - Greenpeace), "that our dependence on foreign oil should be responsible for -" Unfortunately, before he could finish his thought, Americans for A Healthy Environment - an energy corporation lobbying group - flooded his district with three million dollars worth of ads claiming that "What America doesn't need in a time of economic not quite greatness is a political crybaby."

"I am not a crybaby!" Kairry hotly retorted. "I'm trying to show a little compassion for -" Before he could defend himself, Canadians for Sustainable Growth - a Canadian energy corporation lobbying group - spent seven million dollars on ads suggesting that people who opposed Alberta tar sands developments were racists.

With a stunned expression, Kairry mumbled something about getting back to the Senate for an important vote on regulating claims made by hangnail cure producers and quickly fled the stage.

"I don't see what the problem is," said House Majority Leader John Bonehead (R - National Chamber of Commerce). "Canada. Canada. Canada - haven't we annexed them, yet?"

"Absolutely not!" stated Canada's Ambassador to the United States, Rick Mercer. "We are still a sovereign nation." After a moment's stunned silence, he quickly added: "I, uhh, do, however, appreciate the fact that the Senator said Canada three times. That's more than the rest of the Senate mentioned us in the past six months!"

"I hope they're not thinking of cutting back on oil exports because of the unfortunate plight of a few children," stated Senator Chuck Grassyass (R - ExxonMobil). "Because, under NAFTA, if they stop giving us oil, we get a kabzillion dollars."

"We...we don't have a kabzillion dollars," Ambassador Mercer stated.

"You'd better suck it up, then," Grassyass commented.

"I don't see what all the fuss is about," added Senator Joe Lovingman (I - Aetna). "This country - Canada, you called it? - has a robust health care system. They can afford to look after the occasional malformed infant!"

"Yes, yes, I see exactly what you are saying," Mercer quickly groveled.

Senator Kairry, along with Senator Russ Feindgold (D - AFL/CIO) had proposed the Not Supporting Industries Causing Babies to be Born with Deformities Act, which would have limited imports of dirty oil from countries that saw genetic mutations from their extraction skyrocket.

"What are they trying to do - kill the American economy?" asked Representative Eric Kant-Orr (R - Death Valley Hot Springs Spa and Trailer Park). "Any attempt to slow the flow of -"

Kant-Orr stopped when he realized that Sweetness and Light - a military lobby group - had poured 27 million dollars into a national campaign against the Kairry/Feindgold bill, which their sponsors withdrew, claiming, "The legislative agenda is full, and we wouldn't be able to give the bill the attention that it so richly deserves. Yeah, uhh, time and attention. That's the reason we're withdrawing the bill. Really."

In the meantime, Randall Tzatsicki, Baby Pierce's father, was philosophical about his son's...uniqueness. "Maybe, when Pierce grows up, having toes sticking out of your forehead will be all the rage," Tzatsicki stated. "If not, maybe Pierce will be just the person to start the trend. Yeah. My son, the fashion trend-setter. Wouldn't that be something?"

Then, he put his head in his hands and sobbed uncontrollably for 20 minutes.

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