Chapter 10
May 2, 2010

The Daily Me - Erik "Edgy" Eyjafjallajokull

Thank you, Erik "Edgy" Eyjafjallajökull, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, you just couldn't help making an ash of yourself, could you? ... Okay, maybe it wasn't the funniest joke in the world, but, when you've been stranded at Heathrow for three days and have been reduced to a diet of pretzels and soda, you amuse yourself in any way you can. Did you know we can say "Hand me your pocket wrench, wench!" in Klingon with our armpits?

What Do You Want To Bet It Will Soon Be Ex Education?

New guidelines for teaching sex education in Ontario high schools have run into opposition from conservative family groups. "You're talking about a very personal and sensitive subject," said Christian right leader Charles McVety, "one which children should properly discuss with their parents."

When asked if he had discussed sexuality with his children, McVety angrily responded, "How dare you suggest such a thing! We don't talk about smut in my household!"

SOURCE: Glob and Maul

[http://www.globandmaul.com/servlet/story/RTGAM.20100421.eladvote0421_@/BNStory/newsSex&ThePiety2010/]
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You Cannot Win An Argument With A Satirist, Round One

O'MEILLY: Jon Tudor's attacks on Bernard Goldberg are childish, really not worth dignifying with a response. Because, let's face it, he's a third rate comedian on a fifth rate cable network - I would just be giving him free publicity on my much higher rated show by going on about his inadequacies. Which are many. He thinks just because his audience laughs when he drops a few f-words into his shtick that he's funny? Well, I've got news for you, mister big shot comedian. I've dropped plenty of f-words in public speeches, and I never got a single laugh. You know why? Because my audience is more mature than that!

SOURCE: The O'Meilly Factor

[http://www.foxynews.com/story/0,2863,96255,00.html]
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You Cannot Win An Argument With A Satirist, Round Two

TUDOR: I know you are, but what am I?

SOURCE: The Day To Day Show, with Jon Tudor

[http://www.comedycentric.com/tv_shows/thedaytodayshowwithjontudor/headlines_pol.jhtml]
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Privacy Is Just Another Word For No Rights Left To Lose

The world's leading privacy regulators are joining forces to combat what they say is persistent and "willful" disregard by Internet giants such as Google Inc. of the rights of Web users to protect their personal information. Amazon.com Inc. said it is taking a stand for free speech by fighting a request from North Carolina tax authorities for information on people who bought about 50 million items since 2003.

Senior officials from 10 international privacy regulators, including Canada, told a Washington press conference that they have agreed to jointly investigate, audit and penalize companies that violate privacy laws across national borders. Amazon said disclosing the names and addresses of buyers, as requested, would harm customers who have bought controversial books or movies.

SOURCE: 24 Hour News Mashups

[http://politicalmashups.seeblogspotrun.com/]
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"I Declare A Mistrial." Was Translated As "There's A Python In The Court - Quick, Get A Plunger!"

One out of three Ontario courtroom translators failed proficiency tests administered by the Ministry of the Attorney-General last year, while another third did poorly enough that they were put on probation. Some of the test results include:

o "How do you plead?" translated as "What do you want for lunch?"

o "Are there any objections to the motion?" translated as "The court clerk gives the best foot rubs in the city."

o "I find you guilty of assault." translated as "My nipples explode with delight!"

SOURCE: Toronto Stunned

[http://www.canoodle.com/NewsStand/TorontoStunned/News/2010/04/22/503737.html]
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You Cannot Win An Argument With A Satirist, Round Three

O'MEILLY: Oh, that's very mature. Here I am, trying to engage Mister Tudor in a serious intellectual debate, and he responds with a schoolyard taunt. What a goof! Well, go ahead. Taunt away. I've used all of those taunts myself - a lot of them in the last week alone - there's nothing you can say that will stop my defence of Bernard Goldberg.

SOURCE: The O'Meilly Factor

[http://www.foxynews.com/story/0,2023,96281,00.html]
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You Cannot Win An Argument With A Satirist, Round Four

TUDOR: Pffffffft! And, I mean that sincerely, in the spirit of serious intellectual debate.

SOURCE: The Day To Day Show, with Jon Tudor

[http://www.comedycentric.com/tv_shows/thedaytodayshowwithjontudor/headlines_pol.jhtml]
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Wait! It's Not The Nook-e Reader? We Want Our Money Back!

Barnes & Noble plans to release a software update to its Nook e-reader this week to stop the screen from freezing.

"We have determined that the Nook froze whenever it came upon literary passages that were poorly written," Anthony Astarita, vice president of digital production, stated. "Our update will edit texts as they are being read in order to conform to the Nook's obviously high literary standards."

SOURCE: Geekly News & World Report

[http://www.geeklynews.com/geeklynews/issue/100412/geeklynews/01hastalavista.htm]
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You Must Admit, He Has A Galloway With Words

On Monday, April 26, the Federal Court of Canada will hear arguments by lawyers representing British MP George Galloway and the organizers of his 2009 speaking tour who are challenging Minister of Citizenship and Immigration Jason Kenney's decision to ban Galloway from Canada.

And, you know that Ezra Levant will be speaking in favour of Galloway because of Levant's fervent and oft-stated commitment to free speech.

SOURCE: Glob and Maul

[http://www.globandmaul.com/servlet/story/RTGAM.20100422.eladvote0422_@/BNStory/newsEzraPounded2010/]
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You Cannot Win An Argument With A Satirist, Round Five

O'MEILLY: YOU [EXPLETIVE DELETED]ING SON OF A [EXPLETIVE DELETED]ING [EXPLETIVE DELETED]! WILL YOU STOP THAT!

SOURCE: The O'Meilly Factor

[http://www.foxynews.com/story/0,2911,94407,00.html]
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You Cannot Win An Argument With A Satirist, Round Six

TUDOR: You lose.

SOURCE: The Day To Day Show, with Jon Tudor

[http://www.comedycentric.com/tv_shows/thedaytodayshowwithjontudor/headlines_pol.jhtml]
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She Has All The Subtlety Of A James Cameron Screenplay

Hi, John,

I would Appreciate it if you would seriously consider the bid by Green Power Generation. I believe this company can help build sustainable infrastructure in Simcoe-Grey county and across the province.

Of course, I am not saying this in my capacity as MINISTER OF STATE (STATUS OF WOMEN), because that would clearly be an abuse of power. As MINISTER OF STATE (STATUS OF WOMEN), I sit in Cabinet with many men and women who are responsible for deciding on where billions of dollars in government funds are spent; I would not jeopardize my position as MINISTER OF STATE (STATUS OF WOMEN) by promoting a particular business, even if my husband is intimately involved in it. You can see that I am telling the truth because I am not using official MINISTER OF STATE (STATUS OF WOMEN) letterhead.

Thanks for your help.

SOURCE: The Smoking Gut

[http://www.thesmokinggut.com/archive/108096382861023470563-7946374864826327230173072cahs01.html]
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