Chapter 11
May 9, 2010

The Daily Me - Timothy McOyVey

Thank you, Timothy McOyVey, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, we crossed our own timeline. Big mistake. Uhh, not that we're complaining - we love working for our mongoose overlords. Really. We do.

We Know He's Spoiled, But Give The Kid Some Candy So The Adults Can Get On With Their Business

Since the Conservatives came to power, Canada has become widely known as a country that kills international climate change agreements, international bank reform pacts, its own initiative on international women's health and lugers.

But, hey, we're finally getting noticed!

SOURCE: Ottawa Stunned

[http://www.canoodle.com/NewsStand/OttawaStunned/News/2010/04/22/506747.html]
more

At Least The Planet Would Have Died Of Awesomeness

MONDAY: Stephen Hawking is concerned about aliens? Oh, we are so screwed!

TUESDAY: I have a friend who says she's "married to the road." Hmm... I suppose the road is a good listener, but I hear the prenup is a real bitch!

WEDNESDAY: I just got an email from Amazon.com that said that as somebody who enjoyed reading Douglas Adams' The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, I would probably enjoy reading Bernard E. J. Pagel's Nucleosynthesis and Chemical Evolution of Galaxies. So, okay, I tried it. And, it's true: I did enjoy the first paragraph. I'll probably enjoy the second paragraph just as much...when I try to read it in a couple of years.

THURSDAY: Do the Democrats really want to win in November? If so, they should start accusing the Republicans of being members of a race of alien space lizards who are infiltrating the government in order to force us all to eat raw squid and wear glasses that are too big for our faces. No reasonably intelligent person would believe this, of course (except, maybe, Stephen Hawking), but I bet you a lot of Tea Partiers would!

FRIDAY: "Getting people to believe that you can do something outside of your sweet spot is hard," said Neil Labute, director of such films as The Company of Men and Your Friends and Neighbours. Yeah, well, you didn't make it any easier on yourself by remaking Death at a Funeral, Neil.

SATURDAY: Sure, I've had my share of heartaches, I've suffered the slings and Eros of outrageous fortune.

SUNDAY: According to Iranian cleric Hojatoleslam Kazem Sedighi, "Many women who do not dress modestly...lead young men astray, corrupt their chastity and spread adultery in society, which increases earthquakes." Really? If this was true, Baywatch would have destroyed the planet ages ago!

SOURCE: Random Thoughts and Blood Clots Home Page

[http:suzie.randomthoughts&bloodclots.blogspeck.com]
more

Of Course, "Thrown Into A Tizzy" Appears In Hansard As "Had A Moment Of Mild Confusion"

The Parliamentary investigation into illegal lobbying by a former Conservative member of Parliament was thrown into a tizzy yesterday when it was revealed that the man giving testimony claiming to be Rahim Jaffer was actually an impersonator sent in his place.

"Hey! I was busy!" Jaffer insisted. "I didn't think anybody would mind - hell, I didn't think anybody would notice!"

When it was pointed out that a Parliamentary committee was not like a radio interview, Jaffer completely agreed: "In retrospect, I believe it was a mistake to stand up the radio interviewers."

SOURCE: The Irrational

[http://www.mc.ca/stories/2010/04/20/jaffergaffe100420]
more

Time Capsule In Reverse

Twenty-seven people were arrested and 8 taken to hospital for minor injuries when protestors at the G20 summit clashed with police at the barricades. Police claim that the people arrested had pelted them with rocks, bottles and other dangerous objects, and that they were afraid that if they didn't do something, a riot would -

Oh, wait. The G20 summit doesn't actually take place until next month. Hold that thought.

SOURCE: The Financial Riposte

[http://www.canada.com/national/nationalwhippingpost/financialriposte/story.html?id=48ddccd7-f6f3-4f4f-9f75-a2eb4cc6a327]
more

Six Degrees Of Supuration

According to Aurel Braun, Conservative appointed chair of Rights and Democracy, he discovered "spending on terrorist-linked organizations" at the agency. Like a game of Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon run amok, giving money to organizations that give money to organizations that give money to organizations that give money to organizations that are defined as "terrorist," "sympathetic to terrorists," "terrorist supporting" or "otherwise friendly with terrorists in any way, shape or form so stop asking us to precisely define what we're so worked up about" is now part of the definition of anti-social, if not criminal, behaviour.

How does this actually work? Well, The Canadian Chamber of Commerce buys the services of the advertising firm Abbott Costello Detwiler to create a campaign centred on the theme: "Banks are your friends, and, just like you wouldn't criticize your friends' taste in clothes, you shouldn't criticize banks' debt to asset ratio." Abbott Costello Detwiler hires Federico Schwartzberg to shoot video for the campaign. Schwartzberg eats at the Bitter to the Last Drop Cafe while shooting the video. The owner of the Café, Aurellio Linji had given a donation to the Tamil Tiger Shrimps in 1987, years before they had been labeled a terrorist organization. Still, there you are.

There is only one conclusion from this: The Canadian Chamber of Commerce supports terrorism!

SOURCE: Politics For Dummies

[http://www.politicsfordummies.com/home.asp?did=682&dir=bb]
more

You Never Think It Will Happen To You

Gunnar Bjorn "To Be" Wilde has complained to the Arizona Snatch and Grab Daily that, while visiting relatives in Tempe, he was stopped three times in four blocks and asked to show some sort of ID.

"It was embarrassing," Wilde, Sweden's Minister of State for Illicit Affairs (Foreign), stated. "I am not in America illegally. Why should I be subjected to this kind of treatment just because of the way I look?"

Critics of Arizona's draconian law that allows police to stop anybody they have a "sort of, kind of, semi-serious or whatever suspicion" may be an illegal immigrant have called it racial profiling.

"Obviously," said Swedish Congressman Olaf von Olafson (D-Oshawa), "if you have pale skin and blue eyes, you are a target for the police of Arizona!"

Former Alaska governor and newly minted wealthy person Sarah Palin waded into the debate by commenting, "Oh, the lamestream media - you like that term? Lamestream media? I came up with it myself. It means 'media that doesn't immediately agree with everything I say.' Clever, hunh? I know it is - so, anyhoo, the lamestream media says it's racial profiling, but it's not. It's just - ya know - trying to keep America's borders safe and stuff."

After a moment's reflection (apparently all she can stand without getting a migraine), Palin, who is on record as supporting racial profiling, added: "Not that there's anything wrong with that. You like that phrase? I made that up, too."

SOURCE: USA Whenever

[http://www.usawhenever.com/news/newyork/2010-04-24-wtc-lawsuit_x.htm]
more

| Share this!