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Chapter 12
May 16, 2010
Headlines + Deadlines = Staying Out of Breadlines
You Buying Food? Not So Much...
The Mortality Rate Is 23% Higher In Hospitals That Don't Require All That Paperwork
Hospital CEOs earning hundreds of thousands of dollars say they are earning their pay by saving lives"
A Fully Automated Coffee Making Monarch Butterfly
Not So Much Sitting As Desperately Trying To Fly Away From But Being Unable To Do So Because It's Covered In Tarry Goop
Company Assured Government That It Will Sell The Commitments
Because It's Rich In Vitamin B12Bomber, Now Containing More Piety
They Want Action On The Squirrel, Too
On The Bright Side: The Tar Sands Are Off The Radar...
Fat Takes More Heat To Cook (But It Tastes Sooooo Good!)
Anti-bribery Police Calling
Software Tycoon Now 27 Feet Tall
It Takes Time For The Message To Trickle Down (Sometimes Centuries)
Pontiff promises 'effective measures' to safeguard children"
57 Trouble Spots Where Our Soldiers Are Unwelcome - Collect 'Em All!
Being Hoodwinked By What You Know You Don't Know Is So Much More Satisfying
Whereas, When Our Troops Attack Them, The Only Graves Dug Are Theirs
And, If There Isn't One, He Will Happily Create It
Globe Headline Writers Can Be Such Ash Holes
Much Harder Than Waldo, But Better For Your Soul
At 47, Don't You Think Johnny Is A Little Too Old For That Talk?
You can try to control access. But better still, have a talk that makes him think about what he's seeing"
With A Mallet? A John Grisham Novel? WHAT?
Oh, That's Not Fair! You Know The Problem Has Abated Since I Started Wearing Adult Diapers!
You Cannot Renege On Funding Commitments If You Never Make Them
Too Bad They Weren't More Specific About Where It Was Returning To
Funny, Because Fertilizer Dominates Markets In America
Fertilizer maker part of a growing industry in China"
Crushing Main Street Is Wall Street's Job (And, Business Has Been Good So Far)
That's Not The Only Thing Being Blackened
Oh, I'll Bet THOSE Negotiations Are Going To Go Smoothly!
Vancouver teacher still on payroll, but not allowed in classroom"
Because Drawing The Blinds And Pretending To Be Closed When The Poor Walk By Wasn't Working Well Enough?
The Latest Theory: Staring At Spilled Oil Will Make It Go Away
Damn! I Knew I Left Montreal Too Soon!
Welcome, Science Fiction Fans!
If you came to Les Pages aux Folles curious about my writing thanks to science fiction or fan fiction, welcome! You can find the complete text of Alternate Reality Ain't What It Used To Be and What Were Once Miracles Are Now Children's Toys in the Archive Section, as well as three new Alternate Reality News Stories every third week in the New Section. They are clearly marked [ARNS] for easy identification. And, please feel to browse through the other writing, cartoons and miscellaneous oddments - you never know what you might enjoy!
You may already be a winner? Well, actually...
It is with great pleasure that I can announce that I have taken first prize in the Swift Satire Writing Competition. This was for a poem called "Love Amid the Construction. The official announcement can be found here. Details of the contest, including, at some point soon, my winning entry, can be found here. What can I say?
WHOOT WHOOT WHOOT!
Do Not Adjust Your Eyes
The Weight of Information: Episode One: The Realities Leak is now available on YouTube! This pilot for a radio series is based on stories out of the two Alternate Reality News Service Books, Alternate Reality Ain't What It Used To Be and What Were Once Miracles Are Now Children's Toys (or, as one online used bookstore has it, What Were Once Miracles Are Now Children - don't ask). Click on this link to listen to Part One and this link to listen to Part Two. Interdimensional travel has never been so...multidimensional!
You May Already Be A Winner Redux
The Alternate Reality News Service, in conjunction with the Grasping for the Wind Web site, is running a contest! The readers who submit the best questions to either of the Alternate Reality News Service columns (which, regular readers will remember, are Ask Amritsar and Ask the Tech Answer Guy) will win free autographed copies of What Were Once Miracles Are Now Children's Toys (or, as one online discount bookseller has it listed, What Were Once Miracles Are Now Children - don't ask). Click on the link for the rules. Enter now, enter often!Ira Speaks!
Sal Monaco, the Oracle of Enlightenment who now does interviews at Think Twice Radio, conducted an interview with me at Polaris 24. Don't think twice: go to Sal Monaco's Think Twice Radio Web page and give it a listen!
The Alternate Reality News Service Grows Up
Have you ever wanted to know what goes on behind the scenes at the Alternate Reality News Service? Of course you didn't! But, now that the question has been raised, it sounds intriguing, no? Okay, probably not. Still, here's the thing: there is now a Facebook group called The Alternate Reality News Service Cafe. If you go there, you will automatically receive a tri-weekly newsletter full of exclusive information. It is also a place where you can contribute to the Alternate Reality News Service and even, perhaps, work your way up the ARNS ladder until you are given a journalistic beat all for yourself. Doesn't that sound exciting?
Don't answer that.
Would you be interested in immortality?
As you may have noticed, there is a weekly feature on Les Pages aux Folles called The Daily Me. Each article in this feature is a collection of bits and pieces of interest to a different person. I probably won't be shocking any of my readers when I say that, to date, I have made the persons up. (If you are shocked, I hear the Girls With Eyepatches site is nice this time of year...) Well, a future Daily Me could feature...you!
Simply send me an email with your name and the names of three or four publications you regularly read and three or four issues/subjects in which you have an interest. Then, let me digest them and, two or three weeks later, The Daily Me could be The Daily You! Your name will appear in my writing...forever! No complicated creams! No messy cryogenic devices! Immortality has never been easier! What are you waiting for?