Chapter 12
May 16, 2010

The Daily Me - Ingrid Wickelgren

Thank you, Ingrid Wickelgren, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, that man was the most beautiful woman we have ever seen!

Guess You Don't Want To Hear About Meet The Feebles

The Jim Henson Company has created a series called Late Night Liars for The Game Show Network. It will feature two human contestants competing against "celebrity puppets," named Shelley Oceans, William A. Mummy, Cashmere Ramada and Sir Sebastian Simian, who enjoy cocktails and adult humor.

Must Hollywood destroy all of my most cherished childhood memories? Really? Every last one of them?

SOURCE: Ukrainian TV Guide

[http://www.tvguide.ua/listings/index.asp?referrerID=0&returnurl=%2Flistings%2Findex%2Easp%3F®Mode=0]
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Hells Angels Is Other Lawyers

The Conservative government is coming under fire for appointing Jacques Leger, a former Conservative party president, to the Quebec Court of Appeal. His critics claim that Leger once represented a corrupt organization that was undermining the rule of law in a way that could seriously and permanently damage the country.

Oh, and he had once represented the Hells Angels, too.

SOURCE: The Irrational

[http://www.mc.ca/stories/2010/04/02/hellsangelstopay100402]
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I Went To A Wrestling Match, And A Parliamentary Debate Broke Out

COLE: Yushchenko has Lytvyn on his back, and -

LAWLER: Lytvyn breaks free before the ref calls three.

COLE: Now Lytvyn is climbing the ropes and - OH! A FLYING BODY SLAM KNOCKS YUSHCHENKO TO THE CANVAS!

LAWLER: But, it's also taken the wind out of Lytvyn. Can he pin Yushchenko before the plucky former President gets his strength back?

COLE: What a brutal match this has been!

LAWLER: The Ukrainian Parliament hasn't seen anything like it for years!

SOURCE: WWI: World Wrestling International

[http://www.wwi.com/content//rawmeat/2010/april22-28/14272580]
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If You Can Destroy It There...

An apparent failed car bomb caused police to evacuate New York's Times Square Saturday night, Broadway's busiest.

New Yorkers were, as always, sanguine about the bomb outside the theatres. "Are you kidding me?" Brroklynite Manfred Manucci stated. "This was nothing! Have you seen some of the bombs that have gone off inside the theatres!"

SOURCE: Entertainment Right Now

[http://www.entertainmentrightnow.com/mini/smug2010/2010/05/01/waddyagonnado/]
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Looked More Alive, Too

Man, am I embarrassed. I went to visit my dad in the hospital the other day. He's 25 years older than I am and he had had triple bypass surgery four days before, and he still had more energy than I did!

Bastard.

SOURCE: Les Pages aux Folles

[http://www.lespagesauxfolles.ca]
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To Have A Culture War, Don't You Have To Have A Culture?

Conservative Party President John Walsh responded harshly to EKOS Research President Frank Graves' comment that the Liberals should "invoke a culture war" in Canada.

"The first rule of culture war is: you don't talk about culture war," Walsh stated. "The second rule of culture war? You. Don't. Talk. About. Culture. War."

When asked how long the Conservatives have been waging their culture war, Walsh answered: "You want me to answer that in Parliaments or decades?"

SOURCE: Ottawa Stunned

[http://www.canoodle.com/NewsStand/OttawaStunned/News/2010/05/02/508324.html]
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That Person Needs A Reboot To The Head

Somebody must have known that the reboot of A Nightmare on Elm Street was going to be a headache. Why else would they have chosen Samuel Bayer to direct it?

SOURCE: Imaginary Movie Database

[http://www.imd.com/title/tt7778350/]
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We Could Tell You Some Of The Other Ways We're Transforming Your Personal Information, But We Do Not Want To Interfere With Your Wonder Of Discovery

Some of our Corporate Friends have wondered about mirrors of their Farcebook pages in languages that they do not read. In fact, we have recently started translating pages into languages that nobody reads. Our first experiment was with Coahuilteco, an extinct language that was spoken in Texas and northeastern Mexico. We have also used Negerhollands, Jassic and Tillamook. We thought that since future historians of the Internet were going to have to translate our languages into whatever they will be speaking, we might as well give them a challenge.

We have suspended the service until further notice.

SOURCE: Farcebook

[http://www.farcebook.com/profile.php?v=feed&id=629518835#/note.php?note_id=66148766276&ref=mf]
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May The Forced Commercial Good Will Be With You

SOURCE: The Non-existent Pages

[http://www.utopia.tv/erewhon/index.html]
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You Know How Well The Withdrawal Method Works In Preventing Unwanted Pregnancies? It Works Almost As Well In Government

Now that Ontario Premier Dalton "Squinty" McGuinty has backed down on his pledge, the province's public school children will not be learning about sex in their classes. On the other hand, they are learning a hell of a lot about politics.

SOURCE: aye Weakly

[http://www.aye.net/]
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In Fact, They Would Have Settled For 100 Bucks And A Case Of Bud

The day after his non-disclosure deal with NBC was up, Conan O'Brien went on 60 Minutes to complain about the raw deal he had been given by the network. Conan, are you serious? You got $30 million for not working! What you call a raw deal, most people call The American Dream!

SOURCE: Bill's Bitter Pills

[http://bill.geekgoons.com/]
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Stephen Freud Was Proud

Public Works Minister Rona Ambrose, looking more and more like Canada's answer to Michele Bachmann, sits in her office and wonders, "What do women want?"

Women standing on the lawn outside her office answer: "We want complete control over our own health, over our own bodies, including the right to terminate pregnancies if we have reason to do so."

Ambrose shakes her head, trying to get an annoying buzzing noise out of it. "No, seriously," she asks herself, "what do women want?"

"Equal pay for work of equal value!" the women outside her office window shout. "A workplace free of sexual harassment! Reproductive freedom!"

Ambrose sucks the end of a pencil. She is sure she could come up with a reasonable answer to the question of what women want if those voices would just shut the fuck up and give her a little peace and quiet. She just needs a little peace and -

Prime Minister Stephen Harper sticks his head into Ambrose's office and says: "Women want laws that keep rapists and murderers off the streets and make sure to protect children from sexual predators." Then, he quickly withdraws.

"Oh, yeah. That's it," Ambrose thinks to herself and, despite the howling coming from outside, sets out to write her speech.

SOURCE: The Walrus' Paw

[http://www.walruspawmagazine.com/articles/2010.05-how-government-policy-is-REALLY-made/]
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