Chapter 13
May 23, 2010

The 10 Thousand Names of Dog [ARNS]

by SASKATCHEWAN KOLONOSCOGRAD, Alternate Reality News Service Religion

There has been a break in the case of missing computer programmer Ho-Lee Krackauer (blood type: B+. Be positive? In the current economic climate? I don't think so!). Although, when I write "break," I really mean "gentle moving apart" as opposed to "massive violent rupture." Such are the limitations of journalistic language usage.

At the time of his disappearance, it was discovered that Krackauer, a member of Google's famed Flying Sasquatch Squad, had for several months been running a world simulation using the down time of computers on peer to peer networks.

"It was most unusual," Flying Sasquatch Squad leader Ione Kravashti (blood type: O negative. Well, negative may be overstating the case. O mildly pessimistic might be more accurate.) "When our employees use distributed computing for personal reasons, it's usually to determine the winner of the third race at Upson Downs or to build an atomically anatomically accurate model of Angelina Jolie, not to build world simulations.

"Of course, when I talk about when our employees use distributed computing for personal reasons," Kravashti hastily added, "I mean that our employees never use distributed computing for personal reasons, because that would be a misuse of network resources and...and...and management really doesn't condone that sort of thing."

After four and a half months, the investigation into Krackauer's disappearance appeared to be winding down. "Actually, we ran out of leads after about two weeks," stated Detective Irene "Chopper" Funstable (blood type: coffee and cigarettes), lead investigator on the case. "The rest of the time was devoted to television interviews and paperwork."

Just as everybody was set to move on, J. Carmine "Pops" Infantilo (blood type: black bile) noticed that some of the creatures in the simulation had been marked. "I was just adjusting the colours on the monitor to better see...things," Pops Infantilo, a janitor in the Redmond, West Albania headquarters of the Flying Sasquatch Squad, explained, "when I noticed that some of the living things had been given a white...I wouldn't call it a halo. That would be sacrilegious. Let's call it a...radiant circle of light instead."

Speaking from the unemployment line, Pops Infantilo explained that at the moment that one creature with a not exactly halo but something similar that wouldn't offend religious believers died, another was born. So, for example, when Krackauer, the first person with a radiant circle of light, died, a turtle in the Bronx was born with one. The moment the turtle died, a girl who would grow up to be an extra in Bollywood musicals was born. The moment she died, a lion cub was born in the Podunk zoo. The moment it died, a mosquito was born in the Arctic. A few moments later when it died, a Bible salesman in Tijuana was born. The moment he died, the 23rd last rhino in the world was born. The moment it was slaughtered, a woman who would pioneer the art of padular intubulation was born. This daisy chain of existence made 9,643 connections before the almost halo stopped.

Detective Funstable immediately recognized what this was. "I did?" she asked. After a bit of prodding, she continued: "Oh. Yeah. Well. It looked like a chain of reincarnation. This Krackauer mope, he used this computer simulation to cycle through his 10,000 lives to see what would happen."

Aaaaaaaaand...? "Yeah, so, and we figure that after he got to his 10,000th life in the simulation, he achieved enlightenment and his physical body dissolved into one with the universe," Detective Funstable explained. "My Sergeant is busting my balls over this theory, says it's full of holes and where's the proof and shi...stuff like that. But, it's the best theory we got, so I'll keep working it until something better comes along."

If this is what really happened, why did Krackauer need only 9,643 lives instead of the regulation 10,000 to achieve enlightenment? "Some people are spiritual overachievers," stated Maharishi Ragde "Butch" Rinpoche (blood type: wiper fluid). "By subscribing to the beliefs of more than one religion in a single life, they accelerate the process of enlightenment."

"Naah, that ain't it" Sergeant Funstable replied. "Krackauer must've calculated how many lives he had already lived - time served and all that - and started the simulation from there."

"Oh, that makes sense, too, I suppose," Maharishi Rinpoche sniffed. "Still, who is the religious expert here, please?"

James Randi (blood type: mathematics), writing in The Skeptical Inquirer ("The Magazine That Takes Joy In Killing Everybody Else's Fun"), argued that there was no proof that Krackauer had used a computer simulation to achieve enlightenment. "A better theory," he wrote, "is that Krackauer was kidnapped by Mexican bandits for ransom, stolen from them by Somalian pirates who handed him over to Chinese black market transplant specialists. I mean which is more likely: that his spirit is spread throughout the universe, or that his body parts are spread throughout Asia?"

Pops Infantilo, not the least bit angry that he was fired for behaviour that was overlooked, if not condoned when done by programmers (as he told us at length), had a more basic question: can simulated satori have the same effect as real enlightenment? "The ancient texts say nothing about transferring enlightenment between levels of reality," he stated. "And, what about this unemployment form? If I was paid in cash should I declare it as inco...uhh...?"

The investigation continues. At least through the next 9,643 lives...<ép>

| Share this!