Chapter 14
May 30, 2010

The Daily Me - Hojatoleslam Breakfast

Thank you, Hojatoleslam Breakfast, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, a new study suggests that men experience post-partum depression after their partners give birth. Symptoms include aggression and impulsiveness.

And, how is that different from their everyday behaviour?

Andrew Lloyd Webber has been asked to write a song for Queen of Soul Aretha Franklin, who will be performing at the Mann Center of Philadelphia accompanied by former Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice on piano. The song is supposed to celebrate many of the Rice's achievements in the Bush cabinet, focusing on the security measures she authorized.

"Working in references to American prisoners who were drugged and sodomized or tied to a wet mattress and subjected to jolts of electricity through the mattress coils was easy enough," Lloyd Webber commented. "I'm having a spot of difficulty writing about the prisoner who had his penis cut and acid poured into the wounds. Still, this is a once in a lifetime opportunity to see two great women on stage, and I do not intend to let anybody in the audience down!"

Tickets, which cost $95 each, are sold out.

SOURCE: Entertainment For Dummies

[http://www.politicsfordummies.com/entertainmentfordummies/home.asp?did=525&dir=bb]
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Comedy Central has decided not to air a new series called JC, which is about the relationship between Jesus Christ and his distant Father.

"See," Comedy Central said, "we can wimp out of making fun of non-Muslim religious figures, too!"

SOURCE: Entertainment Right Now

[http://www.entertainmentrightnow.com/mini/smug2010/2010/05/13/jcmefeelme/]
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Never Mind The Other Side - Is The Prime Minister?

SOURCE: No Comment Quotes

[http://thesepeopleareinsane.psy/update.toshtml]
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Less Paul Is More

Thursday. 11am. MSNBC. The Rachel Maddow Show. Hour 14 of Maddow's 20 hour interview with Republican Senatorial candidate Rand Paul. Maddow asks Paul to give a definitive position on the Civil Rights Act of 1964 for the 207th to 234th times. Paul continues to dance around the question without giving a straight answer.

SOURCE: Ukrainian TV Guide

[http://www.tvguide.ua/listings/index.asp?referrerID=0&returnurl=%2Flistings%2Findex%2Easp%3F®Mode=0]
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Case Dismissed!

Wednesday. 9pm. NBC. Law and Order. In the television justice racket, there are two opposed but equally important sides: the producers who create shows and the audiences that watch them. These are no longer their stories.

SOURCE: Ukrainian TV Guide

[http://www.tvguide.ua/listings/index.asp?referrerID=0&returnurl=%2Flistings%2Findex%2Easp%3F®Mode=0]
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When Do We Get To See The Sunshine Girl In Full Riot Gear?

Clouds of thick black smoke shrouded downtown Toronto Friday morning, and the sound of gunfire echoed from the main anti-government protest site as the government's final assault began.

Canadian troops broke down barriers at the main FFFC protest site and hundreds were deployed on the ground to secure -

Oh, wait. That wasn't the G20 summit - that doesn't happen until next month. That was the scene of protests in Thailand. Sorry - we got a little ahead of ourselves, there.

SOURCE: Toronto Stunned

[http://www.canoodle.com/NewsStand/TorontoStunned/News/2010/05/19/508737.html]
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Fantasy Is The Idea That 3D Will Become The Standard Film Format

James Cameron says a science fiction author's lawsuit against him alleging he poached ideas for the film Avatar is pure fantasy.

Typically, Cameron has it wrong. Fantasy is when a platoon of orcs trashes your office looking for the latest version of your oh so secret screenplay. Science fiction happens when a writer goes back in time and writes his own screenplay based on your hit movie long before you have even thought of the basic idea.

Seriously, if James Cameron can't keep his genres straight...

SOURCE: Geekly News & World Report

[http://www.geeklynews.com/geeklynews/issue/100519/geeklynews/01siesta.htm]
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Time For The Prime Minister To Get His Stylist To Toews His Eyebrows?

Federal Public Safety Minister Vic Toews will not tell the public the projected cost of his government's anti-crime bills. "I'd rather not share that," he told Parliament.

"Oh, that's Vic all over," said Marjoram Frobisher, a childhood friend of Toews. "He always kept his toys to himself - wouldn't let any of the other children on the playground play with them. I remember the first time his mother packed him a pudding for lunch - when I asked for a taste, he stopped talking to me for a month!"

"Let me tell you about Vic Toews," said his first girlfriend, Angelina Curacao. "He was the most withholding son of a bitch I've ever known! Trying to get him to share his feelings was like trying to pry your cat out of the jaws of an alligator!"

"Victor is not a Cabinet Minister," his mother screechily added. "He's a very naughty boy!"

SOURCE: Canadian Depress

[http://www.cd.org/english/notforyou.htm]
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Because Gay Guns Don't Kill People...

The most effective way to convince the NRA to lighten up on its support of lethal weapons? Convince enough members that guns are gay. Not that they're homosexual accessories - that the weapons themselves actually like to have same sex intercourse.

If that doesn't work, you can always try the line that guns are how abortionists kill unborn babies...

SOURCE: Big Alex' Domesday Countdown Page

[http://www.allaboutalex.wha/Domesday/new]
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The Parent's Television Council Needs To Spend More Time On Playgrounds

The Parent's Television Council is threatening CBS affiliates with challenges to their broadcast licenses if they air the network's new comedy, $#*! My Dad Says. Tim Winter, president of the organization, said he was aware the network was developing a series based on the Twitter sensation, but "we couldn't imagine that a network would actually name a program either with an expletive or with the expletive ostensibly bleeped out."

"Are they fucking serious?" 13 year-old Timmy Twixter, responded. "They're afraid that the word shit is going to corrupt families? And, not even the word shit, but four characters that suggest the word shit? You gotta be fucking kidding me! Families that are so goddam fragile that this will destroy them, well, those fuckers don't deserve to survive!

"Tim Winter," 11 year-old LiseAnne Frampchuk, added, "is a fucking doodie head."

SOURCE: Entertainment Right Now

[http://www.entertainmentrightnow.com/mini/smug2010/2010/05/20/shitmygodsays/]
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