Chapter 16
June 13, 2010

Their Monster's Voice [ARNS]

by FRANCIS GRECOROMACOLLUDEN, Alternate Reality News Service National Politics Writer

When he was six years old, little Timmy Trayf tried to stick the family cat up his nose. He was confused. But, he was also considered dangerous. He was diagnosed with Scaiffe-Melon Syndrome, the main symptom of which is dangerous confusion. He has spent the 37 years since being diagnosed bouncing from one psychiatric institution to another; Trayf currently resides at the Rand-Ohm Facility in up quark state New York.

Trayf would just be another case of brain chemistry gone awry if he didn't have such powerful friends.

"Mister Trayf is a patriotic American," said Senate Minority Leader Mitch "I Want To Stop Looking Like I've Just Swallowed A Bug And It Crawled Up My Ass But I Don't Know How," McConnell. "If we had more people like him, we wouldn't now be facing the socialist apocalypse that some of us think. We are facing. Now."

"Okay, look," said terminally apoplectic radio personality Rush Limbaugh. "In the first place, he, he, he, he...look. He's a visionary, okay? Some...liberal psychiatrist has decided Timothy is a danger to himself and those around him. But, but, but - , look, the only threat he poses is to the elitist liberal psychiatric agenda that is straaaaangling this great country of ours!"

"Timmy's a really good guy, you betcha!" said aborted half-term Alaska Governor Sarah Palin.

Records at the Rand-Ohm Facility show that McConnell, Eric Cantor, Michele Bachmann and other Republican leaders have been visiting Trayf for years. Nobody was willing to talk about why they actually went there until recently, when the Alternate Reality News Service obtained a copy of notes made by Congresswoman Bachmann at one of the meetings. The notes read, in part:

"...‘Nancy Pelosi eats Superman boxer shorts for breakfast!' - not sure where Timothy is going with that one ... ‘obama guts kumquats from Jamaica!' - hmm ... Obama undermines America's position in world trade? have to suggest that one to mitch ... have to do something about that bitch Perino - there's only room for one crazy but gorgeous woman in this party! well okay maybe two with Sarah, but, really, it's starting to feel crowded in here! ... T getting restless, shouting about how unfair it is that he is not allowed to have cats in his room ... PAYDIRT! ‘Obama is an alien from Tau Ceti sent here to mine the precious zinc from our bodies!' Genius! Sheer genius!"

The notes were reportedly taken during a visit Bachmann made to Treyf on September 23. On October 4, the Republican Party launched a national ad campaign that claimed that the President was soft on illegal immigrants because he was one; the campaign also pointed out that, although zinc only made up 0.00031 of the atoms in the human body, it was essential to our health and well-being.

Coincidence?

"A lot of people have been purposefully reading things into my notes that just aren't there," Bachmann, responding to the accusation that the recent public concern the Republican Party has shown for Americans' zinc levels was started by her visit to Trayf, stated. "I like Dana Perino. Really. I...do..."

"You are suggesting that the Republican Party gets its talking points from a man who has spent most of his life in insane asylums," McConnell, whose mildly perturbed voice would represent great anger in somebody who didn't have a bug up his ass, stated. "That is a terrible slur against people in insane asylums, and I, for one, am disgusted by it!"

"That would explain a lot," White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs, responding to a question actually about financial reform, joked.

"Okay, look," Limbaugh, whose great anger would represent mild perturbation in somebody who didn't make millions of dollars every year stoking public rage on the radio, stated. "We've got a big picture, here, people. A big one. Really big. Picture. And, and, and, and it's sometimes hard to keep track of all of the pieces. It's...I don't know...intricate. Complex. Really big. Timothy Trayf, he gets it. He sees it all. Okay? He may be a whacko in a loonie bin, but he's better than a thousand Obamas! What...what...what did I just say? A thousand Obamas? In the White House? Oh, Margaret, honey, I'm coming to join you! This is the big one, Margaret! I'm on my way to join you!"

Little Timmy Trayf shuffles to a table in the cafeteria and eats a cup of President's Choice Memories of Strawberry Rice Pudding. I ask him what he thinks of the controversial role he appears to play in right wing politics in America.

"Harry Reid speaks with a synthetic tenor saxophone and doesn't care who notices that his hat is two sizes too small for his head!" Trayf answers.

And, that just about sums it up.

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