Chapter 18
June 27, 2010

How Do They Manage?

"Tony?"

"Yes, Prime Minister?"

"Are you planning on wearing that tie? Outside?"

"Well, I...yes?"

"It's red."

"My wife chose it."

"That's as may be - it's still red."

"But - oh! OH!"

"Indeed. Oh oh. After the cabinet meeting, report to my office to get a blue tie."

"Yes, Prime Minister."

"Oh, and, to ensure that this does not happen again, burn all of the ties in your closet that are red."

"Yes -"

"In fact, burn any neckwear in your closet - ties, bowties, ascots, scarves, whatever - that isn't blue. No point in taking chances."

"I will, Prime Minister."

"Good. Leona?"

"Yes, Prime Minister?

"I have a stylist I'd like to recommend for you."

"Prime Minister?"

"Well, as you know, you are the senior female representative in Cabinet now that...She Who Must Not Be Named has been booted out. You need to look the part. That means you need to do something about your hair."

"But...but, Prime Minister, I have always worn my hair this -"

"Yes, Leona, I'm sure you have. But, you represent all Canadian women now. Do you understand how serious that responsibility is? Because She Who Must Not Be Named certainly didn't."

"I - yes, Prime Minister. I certainly take my position seriously."

"Very good, then. Renaldo's on Water Street. He has an album of styles of which I approve - ask him to show it to you, and you can choose whatever style you like best."

"Thank you, Prime Minister."

"Now, some of you may be wondering why Dmitri, my director of communications, is sitting in on this meeting when he was asked to speak to Parliament's ethics committee this afternoon..."

"No."

"No."

"No."

"Not at all."

"Certainly not, Prime Minister."

"The thought hadn't entered my mind."

"Good. Then, I will tell you that government policy is well known on the matter he was called to Parliament to speak about, so I decided that there really was no need for him to be there. Of course, when I say the policy is well known on the matter, I am quoting him. Well, to be perfectly accurate, I am quoting him quoting the memo he received from me. Still, Dmitri did use those words at some point in the process, so let's just take it as given that they are his."

"I take it as given that the words are mine."

"Thank you, Dmitri. Now, some people are spreading rumours around the country that I am too controlling. No, I will not name them, even though they tend to be the heads of journalistic organizations. Humph. You instruct everybody in a government to only answer ‘No comment' off the record and right away you're accused of being too tight with information! Really! It's not a comment! SINCE WHEN IS NO COMMENT NEWS THAT HAS TO BE REPORTED ON THE RECORD!

"Ah. Uhh. Humph. Okay, what if some...journalist manages to actually track you down and ask you directly, in a way you cannot simply ignore, if I micromanage the government? What would you respond...Bev?"

"The Prime Minister -"

"Prime Minister Stephen Harper - very important - Prime Minister Stephen Harper."

"Sorry, Prime Minister. Prime Minister Stephen Harper gives us the freedom -"

"What kind of freedom?"

"Complete freedom, Prime Minister!"

"Don't help her, Jim. Now, Bev, what kind of freedom do I allow you?"

"Prime Minister Stephen Harper gives us complete freedom to speak our minds. We can say whatever we want."

"Whatever we choose. Choose! Choose! Choose! Choose! Choose!"

"We can say whatever we choose."

"Dammit all, how are you supposed to convince the press that I am not micromanaging if you don't say exactly what I tell you to!"

"Prime Minister, I wonder if...we might not get down to business."

"This is business, Peter. This is important business. Very important business."

"Yes, well, with the G20 happening soon, I thought perhaps we should be discussing the issues that are likely to arise -"

"Peter, Peter, Peter, Peter. You let me worry about the issues that are likely to arise at the G20 summit. I've managed to keep a bunch of loose cannons, arrogant intellectual midgets and political extremists in power for four years, okay? And, the only way we can get our agenda through Parliament is if we stay in power. What do I always say, everybody?"

"LOSERS DON'T GET TO GOVERN!"

"Exactly. So, Peter, are you sure you want to discuss something that I don't have on the agenda. Are you positive you want to disrupt my meeting that way?"

"No, Minister."

"Very good. Oh, and, by the way, the woman you're currently dating..."

| Share this!