Chapter 22
July 18, 2010

The Daily Me - Chaim Zhitlowsky

Thank you, Chaim Zhitlowsky, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, the Tokyo Institute of Technology invented a virtual reality simulator to teach people how to cut hair without making mistakes. It's a start, but if TIT - that's the acronym, what do you expect us to do about - would you please stop that infantile giggling? - OH, VERY MATURE! ...umm, if...the...the Institute really wanted to benefit humanity, it would have created a VR programme that stopped people from getting mullets!

Thanks for stepping all over our punchline! Really! We'll bet MIT never has this problem!

The Ten Plagues Get A Bad Rapp

First, there was the earthquake. Then, the G20 summit turned downtown Toronto into a police state. Now, a blown transformer has left the area without power for several hours.

"I'm not saying this is biblical or anything," Bay Street broker Rapp Chidley commented, "but we're keeping our eyes peeled for locusts!"

SOURCE: aye Weakly

[http://www.aye.net/]
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Tea Party Policy? RUN AWAY! RUN AWAY!

Nevada Republican Senate candidate Sharon Angle is suing herself for putting her primary positions on her campaign Web page.

"I should have known that they would be poison in the general election," Angle said. "It was irresponsible and damaging - I sincerely believe I libeled myself when I agreed to have those positions made public."

Lawyers are scratching their heads over this one. Among other things, they wonder if Angle wins her suit, will she pay herself damages?

SOURCE: CBBS News

[http://www.cbbsnews.com/stories/2010/07/05/politics/main542715.shtml]
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Asbestos Another Log On The Fire Of THAT Controversy, Why Don't You?

The town of Asbestos, Quebec has decided to raise funds for cancer. The town is for it.

There will be a parade with floats featuring diseased organs. In the evening, there will be a cancer-themed dance; participants will be encouraged to make themselves up with sunken cheeks, large black bags under their eyes and shaven heads so that they look like they are undergoing chemotherapy. All the money raised will go to revitalizing the Jeffrey Asbestos Mine, the economic driver for the city.

"The Canadian Cancer Society opposes the mine revitalization," Asbestos Mayor Hugues Grimard stated, "because of some bogus claim that asbestos maybe, might, peut etre, possibly cause some slight, negligible, not really big enough for anybody to worry about health hazard? Well, fuck them. They won't support us - we won't support them."

Dilip Mansour, who lives in an Indian city where most homes employ asbestos for insulation, agreed to be interviewed for this article. Unfortunately, he was coughing so badly that he couldn't get a word out, and after 25 minutes we gave up.

SOURCE: Glob and Maul

[http://www.globandmaul.com/servlet/story/RTGAM.20100705.eladvote0705_@/BNStory/newsCaaughCaughHackHack2010/]
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If It Doesn't Do Something To Reduce Stress, The Absurd Ironyometer Will Have A Heart Attack And Die Before Its Time

Bill Kristol, appearing on Fox News Sunday, told substitute host Major Garrett, "I think one thing as a Republican and I think Republicans can be proud of is that we don't politicize foreign wars and we support the President if we think he's right and we don't try to make political hay of difficulties that are being encountered overseas."

The absurd ironyometer spit up its coffee in disbelief. It then asked its wife, Marge, if it had heard correctly; she confirmed that it had. The absurd ironyometer went to have a little lie down with an ice pack on its forehead and Enya playing in the background and, after three hours, it emerged refreshed, ready to take on the day.

SOURCE: Big Alex' Domesday Countdown Page

[http://www.allaboutalex.wha/Domesday/new]
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Remember Folks: This Man Wants To Be Mayor

According to Councilman and wannabe mayor Rob Ford, "Our police force was more than polite, more than accommodating," to the G20 protestors. In fact, the police invited protestors to tea and crumpets in the middle of University Avenue, Ford claimed.

"The trouble started when the protestors arrived not wearing white gloves," Ford said. "Well, you can hardly fault the police for becoming incensed at such a breach of etiquette. So, they arrested over 1,000 people. Next time, maybe the protesters should read their Emily Post before taking to the streets!"

SOURCE: Toronto Startle

[http://www.thestartle.com/NASApp/cs/ContentServer?pagename=thestartle/Layout/Article_Type1&c=Article&cid=1088742831813&call_pageid=
968765278492&col=968676972154]
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Trick Or Eritreat

Competitive eating is coming to Africa.

Nathan's Famous International Hot Dog eating contest, televised live on ESPN, will be held in the city of Ak'ordat in the lovely country of Eritrea. Tens of thousands of Eritreans have already applied for one of the 12 local spots on the roster.

"The best part," claimed organizer Jebedediah "Iron" Will Chesnutt, "is that they eat so little that most of them will throw up long before time runs out. The Eritrea Competitive Eating Competition will have all of the excitement of a western event, but at a quarter of the cost!"

The world's third ranked professional eater, Takeru Kobayashi, is not expected to crash the event.

SOURCE: The Schwartz Sports Report

[http://www.schwartzsportsreport.com/ssr-news.shtml#56238133665]
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Our Lawyers Made Us Say Tha - OWWW! STOP! STOP! Okay, We...We Really Mean It...

SOURCE: The Day To Day Show, with Jon Tudor

[http://www.comedycentric.com/tv_shows/thedaytodayshowwithjontudor/headlines_pol.jhtml]
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