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Chapter 22
July 18, 2010
The Daily Me - Hwang Woo-Suk
Thank you, Hwang Woo-Suk, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, the sleep of reason produces Republicans.
Enjoy,The Daily Me Staff
He's Back To Petraeus Some More
Taking control of the American Afghan adventure from the tarnished McChrystal, General David Petraeus began an immediate sortie of cliches. "Civilian and military, Afghan and international, we are a part of one team, with one mission," Petraeus stated.
"Your success is our success," Petraeus told the Afghans in the audience.
"In this important endeavour, cooperation is not optional," Petraeus added.
But, will this new platitude offensive be enough to turn the war around?
SOURCE: The Postington Wash
[http://www.postingtonwash.com/wp-dyn/articles/A49881-2010Jul01.html]
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Nothing To Fear But Fear Its - HOLY SHIT!
Resurgent fear sinks equities, oil, euro and loonie"
Our mighty bond markets, feared but also fearful, contribute to the very crises they wish to avert"
Fears of another crisis spur wealthy nations to take drastic steps"
SOURCE: Billy-Bob's International House O' Headlines
[http://www.com/lol.pdqfc.wwygw.wyswyg/fid=1374563098]
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If She Wins, Will She Accept The Award Anyway?
Margaret Atwood's The Year of the Flood is one of four Canadian finalists for the John W. Campbell Memorial Award for Science Fiction. It's a good thing Atwood doesn't write science fiction, or the other finalists would have to be worried!
SOURCE: Unread Book News
[http://217.204.42.63/cgi/NGoto/2/64382861?3518]
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Yes: Judge Mental
In a five to four ruling, the Supreme Court of the United States has decided that it is not Constitutional to ban the carrying of handguns in the building of the Supreme Court of the United States.
In a dissenting opinion, Justice Sotomayor wrote, "The implications of this decision are stunning. Does the majority appreciate, for instance, how much a Kevlar vest will change the contours of our robes?" Justice Stevens, in his last argument before retiring, wrote: "ARE THEY MENTAL?"
SOURCE: USA Whenever
[http://www.usawhenever.com/news/newyork/2010-06-29-kevlar-konsciousness_x.htm]
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His Master's Rodent Control
Alberta Premier Ed Stelmach has taken out an ad in the Washington Post touting one of the province's major industries: rat poison. The ad argues that rat poison is essential for public health (rats being known to spread diseases and all) and, in any case, the human body can ingest far more rat poison without long-term harmful effects than is commonly believed.
When pressed about why his government spent $55,800 on an ad in an American newspaper, Stelmach stated, "A lot of misinformation about Albertan rat poison has been spread around Washington, and I felt it was in the best interest of the province to counter it. I will never apologize for promoting one of the drivers of Alberta's economy!"
SOURCE: The Financial Riposte
[http://www.canada.com/national/nationalwhippingpost/financialriposte/story.html?id=50ddccd7-f6f3-4f4f-9f25-a2eb4cc6a529]
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Steele-Kagan Match
Obama Supreme Court nominee Elena Kagan has been offered a spot filling in for Jay Leno on The Tonight Show when he goes on vacation. "As it happens," one Tonight Show staffer, who refused to be named but has an amazing collection of motor vehicles, commented, "her performance in front of the Senate Judiciary Committee has been funnier than my - I mean, Jay's monologues."
While she said she was flattered, Kagan insisted she would refuse the offer if it was made to her. "I couldn't host The Tonight Show," she explained. "Not after what Jay did to Conan."
SOURCE: Entertainment Right Now
[http://www.entertainmentrightnow.com/mini/smug2010/2010/06/29/oneelenanominee/]
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Stupid Democratic Right To Assembly! Whose Dumbass Idea Was That?
HUGH BICKWITTIS: Okay, you're watching Blame the Victim. Before we get back to the game, I have a moment to talk with one of today's contestants, Marthe, whose last name I am not going to pretend I cannot mangle.
MARTHE BRUCKSHIPPFE: Thanks, Hugh.
HUGH BICKWITTIS: (consults card) Now, Marthe, it says here that your hobbies are fearing a home invasion by non-Caucasians, fearing an invasion of ants in your basement and fearing an invasion of the country by the military of the Austro-Hungarian empire.
MARTHE BRUCKSHIPPFE: I try to be well-rounded, Hugh.
HUGH BICKWITTIS: Well, that's enough of that. It's your turn for the solo round, and the categories are: current events, history and quotes. Which category would you like to choose?
MARTHE BRUCKSHIPPFE: I'll go with...current events, Hugh.
HUGH BICKWITTIS: Okay, Marthe. For 500 points... (consults new card) G20 protestors in Toronto had their constitutional rights suspended, were held for as much as 20 hours in makeshift concrete cells where many were denied food, water or medicine and were ultimately released without charge. How do you...blame the victim?
MARTHE BRUCKSHIPPFE: Oh! Oh! I know this one!
HUGH BICKWITTIS: I'm sure you do.
MARTHE BRUCKSHIPPFE: Is it...umm...
HUGH BICKWITTIS: You only have 30 seconds...
MARTHE BRUCKSHIPPFE: Oh, okay, I'm going to take a wild guess...is it: the stupid bastards deserved what they got. If they wanted to avoid any trouble, they shouldn't have gone downtown during the G20 to protest?
HUGH BICKWITTIS: Judges? (pause) Yes, yes, Marthe, the judges accept your answer! Well played!
MARTHE BRUCKSHIPPFE: Phew. That question was tougher than I thought.
HUGH BICKWITTIS: We also would have accepted dumb shits, damn morons and foolish gits.
MARTHE BRUCKSHIPPFE: Dumb shits - of course!
HUGH BICKWITTIS: (insincere laughter) Of course. Now, contestants, it's time for the lightning round...
SOURCE: This 22 Minutes Feels Like An Hour
[http://www.mothercorp.ca/hour22minutes/]
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Oh, ICANN Be Dirty On The Internet!
The Internet Corporation for Assigned Names and Numbers (ICANN) has approved the use of the high level domain designation "XXX" for use by pornographic Web sites. Now, "highanddry.com" can properly call itself "highanddry.xxx," and nobody will confuse "babysindiapers.xxx" for an online child supply store.
"It's been a long time coming, but I'm excited about the fact that .xxx will soon become a reality," said Internet registry provider ICM Chairman Stuart Lawley. "What could possibly go wrong?"
SOURCE: Glob and Maul
[http://www.globandmaul.xxx/servlet/story/RTGAM.20100626.eladvote0626_@/BNStory/newsGotcha2010/]
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Welcome, Science Fiction Fans!
If you came to Les Pages aux Folles curious about my writing thanks to science fiction or fan fiction, welcome! You can find the complete text of Alternate Reality Ain't What It Used To Be and What Were Once Miracles Are Now Children's Toys in the Archive Section, as well as three new Alternate Reality News Stories every third week in the New Section. They are clearly marked [ARNS] for easy identification. And, please feel to browse through the other writing, cartoons and miscellaneous oddments - you never know what you might enjoy!
You may already be a winner? Well, actually...
It is with great pleasure that I can announce that I have taken first prize in the Swift Satire Writing Competition. This was for a poem called "Love Amid the Construction. The official announcement can be found here. Details of the contest, including, at some point soon, my winning entry, can be found here. What can I say?
WHOOT WHOOT WHOOT!
Do Not Adjust Your Eyes
The Weight of Information: Episode One: The Realities Leak is now available on YouTube! This pilot for a radio series is based on stories out of the two Alternate Reality News Service Books, Alternate Reality Ain't What It Used To Be and What Were Once Miracles Are Now Children's Toys (or, as one online used bookstore has it, What Were Once Miracles Are Now Children - don't ask). Click on this link to listen to Part One and this link to listen to Part Two. Interdimensional travel has never been so...multidimensional!
You May Already Be A Winner Redux
The Alternate Reality News Service, in conjunction with the Grasping for the Wind Web site, is running a contest! The readers who submit the best questions to either of the Alternate Reality News Service columns (which, regular readers will remember, are Ask Amritsar and Ask the Tech Answer Guy) will win free autographed copies of What Were Once Miracles Are Now Children's Toys (or, as one online discount bookseller has it listed, What Were Once Miracles Are Now Children - don't ask). Click on the link for the rules. Enter now, enter often!Ira Speaks!
Sal Monaco, the Oracle of Enlightenment who now does interviews at Think Twice Radio, conducted an interview with me at Polaris 24. Don't think twice: go to Sal Monaco's Think Twice Radio Web page and give it a listen!
The Alternate Reality News Service Grows Up
Have you ever wanted to know what goes on behind the scenes at the Alternate Reality News Service? Of course you didn't! But, now that the question has been raised, it sounds intriguing, no? Okay, probably not. Still, here's the thing: there is now a Facebook group called The Alternate Reality News Service Cafe. If you go there, you will automatically receive a tri-weekly newsletter full of exclusive information. It is also a place where you can contribute to the Alternate Reality News Service and even, perhaps, work your way up the ARNS ladder until you are given a journalistic beat all for yourself. Doesn't that sound exciting?
Don't answer that.
Would you be interested in immortality?
As you may have noticed, there is a weekly feature on Les Pages aux Folles called The Daily Me. Each article in this feature is a collection of bits and pieces of interest to a different person. I probably won't be shocking any of my readers when I say that, to date, I have made the persons up. (If you are shocked, I hear the Girls With Eyepatches site is nice this time of year...) Well, a future Daily Me could feature...you!
Simply send me an email with your name and the names of three or four publications you regularly read and three or four issues/subjects in which you have an interest. Then, let me digest them and, two or three weeks later, The Daily Me could be The Daily You! Your name will appear in my writing...forever! No complicated creams! No messy cryogenic devices! Immortality has never been easier! What are you waiting for?