Chapter 24
August 1, 2010

The Daily Me - Hirschman Montooth

Thank you, Hirschman Montooth, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, Amanda Bynes retired from acting. Then, like, a month later, Amanda Bynes returned to acting. She's only 24, and already she's come out of retirement! Please! When we were 24, we had just been fired from our seventh Wal-Mart and were wondering if we would ever be gainfully employed. (As it happens, we haven't been so far, but that's not the point.) Twenty-four year-olds shouldn't be allowed to come out of retirement!

By the way, who is Amanda Bynes?

Under intense pressure from his own administration, President Barack Obama has tendered his resignation from the Presidency. According to high ranking White House sources, the reason was that, on his television show, Glenn Beck was going to make wild, unsubstantiated accusations about Obama tied to doctored video that appeared to show the President making racist remarks.

Fortunately, cooler heads prevailed and Obama decided not to accept his resignation. "I demanded my resignation before all of the facts were in," Obama told an impromptu press conference. "I had a long talk with myself, apologizing sincerely for rushing to judgment, and I hope I can get beyond this and get back to the important work of running the country."

SOURCE: The Postington Wash

[http://www.postingtonwash.com/wp-dyn/articles/A49881-2010Jul21.html]
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Missing The Point At The Federal Level

There has been a bit of an uproar over the fact that the federal government subsidizes golf courses. But, we don't give money to just any course. No, we subject them to means tests first. Any country club whose average annual fees are less than $100,000 per member are not eligible for government funds.

Everybody has to have standards.

SOURCE: Ottawa Stunned

[http://www.canoodle.com/NewsStand/OttawaStunned/News/2010/07/22/669726.html]
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Since "Military Cohesion" Became The Favourite Catchphrase Of The Right

Gays and lesbians continue to be kicked out of the army as it continues to canvass 400,000 military men and women over the Don't Ask, Don't Tell policy. The military survey leaves one important question unanswered, though.

Since when has the American armed forces been a democracy?

SOURCE: Yellow Triangle Blues

[http://ytb.gay/July_2010/military.htm]
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The White House has responded quickly to the public release of 92,000 classified military documents that appear to show that the war in Afghanistan is going worse than the government has been letting on.

"The war is not going worse than the White House has been letting on," stated National Security Adviser James Jones. "By which, I mean, of course, that the war has been going worse than the White House has been letting on, but we have things under control. And, when I say that, I mean that things are spinning out of control, but not so badly that we need to rethink our war strategy. Of course, we probably should rethink our war strategy, but that doesn't mean that we will be pulling out before the 2011 deadline, even though that is now a 2014 deadline. I hope the White House position is now clear!"

SOURCE: Deadline News Network

[http://www.dnn.com/2010/ALLPOLITICS/07/26/reps.main/index.html]
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Its Allies - The Canadian People - The Harper Government Is Just Not Very Good At Reaching Out And Touching Anybody!

SOURCE: No Comment Quotes

[http://thesepeopleareinsane.psy/update.toshtml]
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He Should Have Stuck With His Swimming Caree - No, Wait - That Was Esther Williams

The NAACP has unanimously passed a motion condemning racist elements within the Tea Party movement. In response, Tea Party activist Mark Williams said that the NAACP makes "more money off of race than any slave trader ever."

The NAACP is currently drafting a motion that will read: "See? You just proved our point!" It should come to the floor for a vote at next year's convention.

SOURCE: The Podunk Mash & Enquirer

[http://www.podunkmash.com/wp-dyn/articles/A49482-2010Jul21.html]
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I Can Think Of One Person Who Deserves To Lose His Job...

For the third week in a row, Senate Republicans have blocked a bill that would provide emergency funding for psychiatric care for long-term unemployed Americans facing emotional problems.

Mitch McConnell, looking more and more like a strangled tortoise every day, commented, "If people can't lose a job, or their house, or their car, or all of them without wanting to commit suicide, they're weak and don't deserve government assistance."

SOURCE: USA Whenever

[http://www.usawhenever.com/news/newyork/2010-07-21-who-r-madmen_x.htm]
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Somebody's In Touch With His Inner Mitch McConnell

Mayoral candidate Rob Ford has unleashed an unusual ad campaign, the tag line of which is: "Vote Rob Ford, because Toronto hasn't suffered enough."

"That's modern. That's edgy. Right?" Ford asked. "Torontonians are basically masochists, right? I mean, why would they live here if they weren't? Ha ha - that was a joke, okay? But, seriously, Torontonians need a little punishment, right? A little spanking. They've been very naughty, haven't th - WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT, ASSHAT? THAT'S RIGHT, I'M TALKING TO YOU, FUCKWAD! IF YOU KNOW WHAT'S GOOD FOR YOU, YOU'LL JUST KEEP ON WALKING, BUDDY. JUST KEEP - THAT'S IT - JUST KEEP MOVING!

"And, I think I'm the perfect candidate for the times."

SOURCE: aye Weakly

[http://www.aye.net/]
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Your Daily Dose Of Doublethink Courtesy Of Rupert Murdoch

On Tuesday, Fox News reports that the Obama administration is harboring a racist, Shirley Sherrod, over and over and over and over and over and over and over again. On Wednesday, as the video that appeared to show her racist comments is proven to have been doctored, that she had, in fact, said the opposite of what it had claimed, Fox News commentators wonder if the White House acted too hastily in demanding her resignation.

The Absurd Ironyometer is still on vacation. It sends its regards to all of its loyal readers. The Hypocrisy Leader Board, taking the Absurd Ironyometer's place while it is away, is wondering if maybe it isn't in over its head...

SOURCE: Big Alex' Domesday Countdown Page

[http://www.allaboutalex.wha/Domesday/new]
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