February 5, 2017
Red State, Red Face [ARNS]
by FRANCIS GRECOROMACOLLUDEN, Alternate Reality News Service National Politics Writer
Like many people of his income bracket (the embarrassing end of the middle class), on call assembly-line worker Manny Posifrazitronic was surprised that the first bill President Ronald McDruhitmumpf's signed into law was that anybody whose name contained more than five syllables must report to a government office once a week to be beaten about the head and shoulders with rutabaga stalks.
"The Ronald promised that he would clear the beach of driftwood," Posifrazitronic ruefully commented as he held an ice pack to the side of his head. "If I had known that this is what he intended to do, well, I would have voted for him anyway, but at least then I could have used my Bushbamclintreagbushcare to get steroid injections in my head!"
Abolishing the Affordable For More People But Still Nowhere Near Perfect Care Act (popularly, and even more unpopularly known as Bushbamclintreagbushcare) was President McDruhitmumpf's second act in office.
I pointed out that President McDruhitmumpf repeatedly promised on the campaign trail to do exactly what he did. Not only was it a major part of the Reduhblican Party platfom, but Kid Knee Stone, the only musician to play at the President's inauguration (which had the virtue of allowing everybody to make it an early night, or would have if the President hadn't decided to fill the additional time with his campaign's greatest hits), wrote the song "Beat People With Funny Names About the Head and Shoulders With Rutabaga Stalks" to celebrate the policy.
"Yeah," Posifrazitronic grudgingly allowed, "but I didn't think he actually meant it!"
"About the only thing we didn't do to promote the rutabaga policy was take out a billboard in Times Square!" crowed Special Adviser to President McDruhitmumpf Steve Bananarunnon, his voice dripping with the kind of contempt you would reserve for a 12 year-old caught drinking Scotch older than he was, desperately trying to make the most of it before the bottle was snatched from his hand. "And, I wanted to. You have no idea how much I wanted to! That would have shown those east coast, tofu-loving, animals over humans, capitalism-hating libtards something!"
When I asked him what, exactly, such a billboard would have shown the east coast, tofu-loving, animals over humans, capitalism-hating libtards, Bananarunnon went off on a 20 minute rant leavened with so many profanities I had never heard before that I wondered if he would be eligible for his own supplement to the OED.
Meanwhile, in red states across the nation, Vesampuccerians who voted for President McDruhitmumpf are experiencing three card Monte player's remorse. "The Ronald was hiding his intentions in plain sight!" said Cruella deVolvo-Lorraine, an aspiring trouser presser of no fixed IQ. "How was I supposed to know that he was going to repeal my Bushbamclintreagbushcare just because he gave out cookies at his rallies that contained fortunes that read: 'I'm gonna repeal Bushbamclintreagbushcare, make Vesampucceri great again!' Now how am I supposed to pay to get my tragically hip surgery?"
Not everybody is disappointed with President McDruhitmumpf, however. Demi-thaumatic-dramaturge Eugenie IOUnescaf couldn't have been happier. "Bushbamclintreagbushcare was a Communist plot to weaken Vesampuccerians by making us physically stronger! I couldn't be happier that President McDruhitmumpf burned it to the ground, put the ashes into a rocket and shot them into the sun! If market forces can't get me treatment for my gall stones, I don't deserve the freedom to live a pain-free life!"
Whoa! Somebody's got a lot of stones. And, gall.
Then there's David Duchastempecker, former Grand Visor of the Korrupt Klown Kollege. "Going after people with more than five syllables in their name is a great first step - we certainly don't want their kind mixing with our kind! But, it's only a start. Soon, we will have to [EXPLETIVE DELETED] the [EXPLETIVE DELETED] [RACIAL SLUR DELETED]. And, the [EXPLETIVE DELETED] [RACIAL SLUR DELETED] who are sapping this country of its precious bodily fluids will have to be [EXPLETIVE DELETED] immediately after. That's how the world will know that we will do whatever it takes to preserve our [EXPLETIVE DELETED] freedom!"
Apparently, profanity is the new orange.
Given the current state of stunned remorse, why did so many people vote for President McDruhitmumpf in the first place? "Oh, that's simple," explained pop psychologist (his most well-known work is The Five Things Your Father's Soda Choices Reveal About You) Alain DeLaFrontenac. "They are what we in the pop psychology biz categorize as CFMs: Complete Ferking Morons!"
When pressed, DeLaFrontenac insisted that his expletive was not deleted because he was speaking in the name of * SCIENCE *.
"Oh, wait," Posifrazitronic responded."I know why I voted for The Ronald. He didn't have the contempt that the Washburningdington elites have for people like me."
"I think I'm going to be sick," token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam moaned. I was wearing my second favourite business suit, a piece of apparel that had been washed only 27 years ago, so that seemed like a good place to end the article.