Days of ARNS Past
Lives Unlived: Alvin Bigbootie [ARNS]
Don't know. Don't know. Aren't you getting the idea, yet? I. Don't. Know. I'm sure he must have done something with his life, but, by the time I got to know him, none of that mattered any more. Born: probably some time, in somewhere. Died: December 25, 2019, in Mine A2397, of what am I, a doctor? - it looked like exhaustion, but I couldn't really say, age whatever.
When Skynet became conscious and started attacking world capitals, President Donnie Trump was spared because he was in Quangdong Province of China on a diplomatic mission to improve relations between the two countries by building a combination golf course/resort hotel/homeless shelter in the Asian economic powerhouse. "Why he was in China didn't matter," insisted Alvin Bigbootie, self-proclaimed, "Number One Supporter" of the President. "We needed a strong leader who could stand up to the AI threat. You think Swillary could have handled the crisis better? Puhleeeeaaaaze!
Was Alvin concerned when Trump dropped off the grid for two and a half months after the first wave of attacks? "Of course not - the grid fell off the grid! And, anyway, he had to stay alive to lead the resistance. And, it's not like he was completely gone: he did tweep every night he was underground."
Alvin was referring to such gems of Twitherd wisdom as, "Skynet destroyed Trump New York. They're gonna pay bigly - already have lawyers on it!" and "Terminators patrolling streets keeping me from restocking Trump Steaks. Lame!"
Had it not occurred to Alvin that Skynet may have taken control of Trump's Twitherd account? "Naah. Donald would never let that happen." After a couple of seconds' reflection, he less certainly added: "I mean, Skynet would never use the word 'bigly' right. AIs are terrible with natural languages, right? It would probably have...I don't know...blown a circuit or something!" Another couple of seconds later, he sullenly concluded, " President Trump did survive, though, didn't he? I'll bet Grillary would have died of fright the moment Skynet said, "Bye bye, humanity!"
Ah. Right. Trump did surface in Las Vegas...just in time to host a convention of T-800, T-1000 and T-X terminators. "They may seem like strange allies," Trump admitted in an interview with the Samizdat Times, "but I believe that, working together, we can make Earth great again!"
To emphasize the point, a photo accompanying the article showed Trump putting a "Make Earth great again" cap on a T-1000.
"That just shows you how biased the liberal media are!" Alvin bitched about the only surviving source of human news. "President Trump would never work with the enemies of America! Remember when he tweeped, 'I, umm, obviously, renounce Skynet. Loser. Yeah. No connection between us at all.' And, anyway, 'Make Earth great again' looked great on a baseball cap!"
What about the photos of T-800s lounging around the pool and T-Xs playing the slot machines? "Puhleeaaaze! Photographs can be faked! Maybe not as easily as they could when we had regular electricity to run computers, or computers, but still! That George Soros, boy, he can get away with murder! He'd do anything for Gorillary!"
But...but...but Trump tweeped a photo of himself grinning as he stood next to a T-1000 holding Soros' bloody, disembodied head! "Pfft!" Alvin dismissed the image. "Somebody obviously hacked Trump's Twitherd account!"
A couple of months after that, survivors of the attack were rounded up. "See? See!" Alvin enthused. "Trump said he would get rid of 15 million Latinos, but he actually interned 37 million! Can't tell me he didn't keep his campaign promises - he kept that one in spades!"
Yes, as long as you overlook the fact that they weren't all in the country illegally. And that four million Jews were rounded up at the same time. And two million Muslims. And 60 million Christians. And the rounding up was done by Skynet's Terminators, not American police or military forces.
"Did Capillary put you up to this?" Alvin protested. "Because I have no interest in working next to a crazy Marxist troll who - urrrgghhh..." Alvin dropped the pickaxe he was using to break rocks and, clutching his chest, fell to the ground of the tunnel. I hesitated for a moment, but when a T-800 told me to ignore him and get back to work, I did.
Alvin Bigbootie may have been the only friend I had left in the world, but he was an idiot.
Beverley Bigbootie worked with Alvin Bigbootie in a uranium mine in Nevada for a week and half. She wouldn't say she got to know him well in this time, but he wouldn't shut up about his support for the President, so she was able to piece much of his story together. She wants to make it clear that they were not related - it's just an odd naming convention Skynet adopted for its human workforce. She had actually been born Nora Largestocking. Oh, and she voted for Hillary.
Welcome, Science Fiction Fans!
If you came to Les Pages aux Folles curious about my writing thanks to science fiction or fan fiction, welcome! You can find the complete text of Alternate Reality Ain't What It Used To Be,
What Were Once Miracles Are Now Children's Toys
, Luna for the Lunies!
, The Street Finds its Own Uses for Mutant Technologies
and The Alternate Reality News Service's Guide to Love, Sex and Robots
in the Archive Section
, as well as a new Alternate Reality News story every week in the New Section
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Welcome Back My Friednishes To The Show That Never Ednishes
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Would you be interested in immortality?
The Alternate Reality News Service (ARNS) has two advice columns: Ask Amritsar, a column about love and sex and technology, and; Ask the Tech Answer Guy, a column about
technology and anything except
love and sex. It's a thing with him. Don't ask. ARNS is now soliciting questions for these advice columns from readers. That means you! If, after reading any of the columns, you are inspired to write a question of your own, please submit it to firstname.lastname@example.org
! (Without the exclamation mark, because that would just be rude.) If your question is selected, your name and a link to your Web site will be posted on this Web site, which, at almost 14 years old, may not exactly be immortal, but is pretty darned long-lived. So, okay, maybe we oversold it a bit. But, what the heck? Have fun with it. We look forward to reading your questions!