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Chapter 2
February 5, 2017

The Daily Me - Flemming Randsbaek

Thank you, Flemming Randsbaek, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. And, then, we discovered that Germany has scrapped a long-standing law against Germans insulting foreign heads of state, and we rejoiced. Poopyhead Putin! Tempestuous twit Trump! Too Nice Trudeau! No, wait, that isn't really...Sunny Ways Sonny Trudeau! No, that's still not really what we're...uhh...what we are trying to...umm, we may have to get back to you on that one. But...Malevalent May! Yeeeeessss! Loony le Pen! That's what we're talking about. We revelled in our new freedom. Freedom!

Then, we remembered that we weren't German and that we've been saying whatever we wanted about world leaders for pretty much our entire lives. The disappointment was crushing.

The Daily Me Staff

** And The Sanity Of Our Readers

President Donald Trump's inauguration speech:

"Hate. Anger. Fear. Mockery. Ego. Bombast."*

* Speech may have been edited to preserve space.

SOURCE: Politics For Dummies


Trick Question For The New Century: When Did You Stop Passing Regressive Laws?

You know what is wrong with the new Russia? No, not a demagogic leader who gathers power to himself and will not let it go until at least 12 years after he has died. Russia does not have that, praise Putin! No, not a cabal of the Prime Minister's cronies who are stealing everything that isn't nailed down. We do not have that, either, praise Putin. NO! Not a belligerent foreign policy! Are you even trying to answer the question seriously?

The main problem with the new Russia is that men are forbidden from beating their wives and children.

Fortunately, the lower house of Parliament has decriminalized such beatings as long as they don't cause bodily harm. Well, not intentionally, in any case. Let us not, as they say, get hung on details. The important point is that as soon as Prime Minister Putin signs the law, praise...you know, it will once again be possible for men to discipline women and children when they get out of line - it's about time!

Opponents of the new law use the example of a police officer who told a woman who complained about her boyfriend's violent behaviour that they would only come if she got killed. They point to the fact that the boyfriend beat the woman to death soon after the call. Please! They do not give the police enough credit. After all, as soon as they heard about the woman's death, they immediately went to her home.

Russian police are always as good as their word.



It's Going To Be Really Dull Now That The Adults Have Taken The President's Favourite Toy Away From Him

Six signs a tweet posted on President Donald Trump's official twitter account wasn't written by the official Donald Trump:

1. the tweet does not contain an attack on a Trump critic
2. the tweet does not contain a made up word such as "bigly"
3. the tweet does not distort the truth
4. the tweet does not contain a racist or sexist attack
5. the tweet does not contain the word "sad"
6. the tweet is coherent

SOURCE: The Web Page of Lists


He Just Couldn't Reach That Last Power Up...

Masaya Nakamura, founder of Namco, the Japanese company that created Pac-Man, has died at the age of 91. Wheeh wheeh whuh whuh whuh!

SOURCE: Obits 'R Us


A Day Without A Political Gaffe Is Like A Day Without Sunshine...Eliminating Goggles

two the edge...and beyond!) President Trump gave a speech in remembrance of the Holocaust without once mentioning Jews. This is like: a) reporting on Trump and not mentioning his tiny hands
b) reporting on the audience for Trump's inauguration and not mentioning how much smaller it was than the audience for Obama's inauguration
c) reporting on Trump adviser Steve Bannon, who almost undoubtedly had input into the speech, and not mentioning that he's an anti-Semiticputz

three see pee - oh!) How did the Jewish community respond? a) Israeli President Benjamin Netanyahu wants to build a monument to Trump - he's thinking of a building - an embassy, say...somewhere central...Jerusalem, maybe - yeah, that would be good: an Embassy in Jerusalem...
b) the Canadian Jewish News wants to build a monument to Trump, but thinks an embassy is thinking too small; the monument should be made up of several buildings - useful buildings, say...buildings people live in - which would make the cluster of buildings a kind of...settlement, some would call it; unfortunately, Israel is already heavily populated, but there are plenty of areas just outside of Israel that would be perfect - Gaza, for instance - yeah, that would be good: more settlements in Gaza...
c) many Jews are appalled by the insensitivity, but they aren't leaders of the community, so who cares what they think?
d) all of the above

SOURCE: Les Pages aux Folles


Plain Packaging Of Cigarettes A Burning Issue

Dear Senators and MPs,

If the Plain Packaging Proposal goes through, it will increase the number of young people who stick pencils up their noses.

This will boost the number of children who go to the Emergency Room of their local hospital because they have punctured their brains.

How do I know this?

I was a junior high school teacher for 30 years.

Yours sincerely,


Make sure Senators and MPs understand the consequences of plain packaging. It's what cigarette manufacturers expect.
To email your representatives visit OurSideoftheArgument.ca



One Person Committing Voter Fraud Is A Tragedy; Four Million People Committing Voter Fraud Is An Alt-factoid

Gregg Phillips, whom President Donald Trump has promoted as an authority on voter fraud, was registered to vote in three states in the 2016 election. Although there were flags on two of the registrations, officials stated that he could still have voted if he had showed up at a polling station with proper ID.

What "proper ID" constitutes in this situation is anybody's guess.

"Who better to investigate Democratic voter fraud than somebody with firsthand experience?" White House spokesmoron Sean Spicer commented when the issue was brought up. "Obviously, his insider knowledge is more important than...than actual fa - look! Muslim terrorists! I gotta go!"

SOURCE: Down to the Newswire


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