February 12, 2017
We're Not Evil - We're Alt-moral
"Welcome to the Washington, D.C. branch of Bigots Without Borders. My name is Mad Dog. How may I help you today?"
"Oh, umm, yes, hi...Mad Dog. I...I heard that it's okay to express racial animosity again. In public, I mean. With people who may or may not share your views. Like, people of other races?"
"Where did you hear that?"
"The New York Times?"
"Ah, well, you shouldn't believe anything you read in the mainstream media. They're all biased because they're owned and operated by the international banking conspiracy. You know, the one run by Jews."
"Oh. That's disappoint -"
"But, in this case, they're absolutely right. No more hiding our deepest, most hateful thoughts in the dark corners of our minds - now, we can shout them from the rooftops and on national TV!"
"Well, thank god for that!"
"No, thank President Trump for that. Some people would argue that he was merely god's chosen vessel for White Pride, and more power to them, but I don't think we need to bring religion into it. Hating inferior races is its own reward. Did you have any further questions?"
"Umm...well...I did have one...concern..."
"Well, it's just that it's been so long since I was allowed to say what I feel in public - I'm afraid that I may be...you know...out of practice..."
"Yes, we've been getting a lot of that since Trump won the election. Let me tell you - what did you say your name was, again?"
"Let me tell you, Bill, today is your lucky day! Bigots Without Borders offers a variety of Racism Refresher courses for people in your position. We could get you signed up and freely expressing yourself in a matter of hours!"
"We have several different levels of courses depending upon your current proficiency. Why don't you say something racialist so I can get a sense of where best to place you?"
"I mean: in public?"
"That was the point."
"Okay. I...right. Here goes. The...the...oh, I can't!"
"Okay, Bill, just relax. You're among friends, here."
"If it helps, we find that the key to a good racialist slur is breathing."
"That's right. With the proper breathing technique, you can say almost anything and command respect. Or, incite anger. Or, hopefully, both. But breathing is definitely the key."
"That's right. Just take a deep breath. Completely fill your lungs. Then, hold it. And, hold. And, hold. And, hold. Aaaaand, slowly let it all out. And, again. Deep breath. Hold. Hold. Hold. And, slowly exhale. And, one more time. Deep, deep breath. Hold. And, hold. And, hold. Aaaaaand, let it all out. Slowly. Slowly. And, good. How does that feel?"
"Good. Actually. Surprisingly good."
"Okay. We're going to do it once again, only, this time, on the exhale, I want you to say the first racialist thing that comes into your head. Okay?"
"Yeah. Yeah, I can do that."
"Good. Then, whenever you're ready...inhale. Deep breath. Good. Now, hold it. Hold it. Hold it. Aaaaand..."
"I hate those nigglards who rape our environment and make our innies hellholes of drug abuse and violence!"
"You know: black people."
"Right. Black people. And, when you referred to 'innies,' I assume you were not talking about belly buttons?"
"Belly buttons? Oh. I hadn't thought of that. Tee hee. Ahem, but, no, I meant those places where all those nigglards live and do their horrible nigglard things."
"Is that what they're calling them these days?"
"It really has been a long time for you, hasn't it, Bill?"
"A long time. Yes."
"Okay, then, why don't we set you up with Racism Refresher 101? This will remind you of the basics of racially-charged language and help you recognize the appropriate contexts for each word or phrase. I think you'll find that Professor Bannon is a most helpful and sympathetic teacher."
"Okay. I will definitely think about that."
"If I were you, I wouldn't wait too long. Professor Bannon's course fills up fast."
"Yes. Well. You know. Much to think about. I - I'll think about it."
"Oh, man, don't be a cuck."
"But, I...I haven't been to the bathroom yet, today."
"Oh. Unless you were accusing me of being a cucumber?"
"Man, you really need this course!"
"I'll just take this brochure and think about it, okay?"
"Hunh! Some people seem to be allergic to freedom!"