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Chapter 3
February 12, 2017

The Daily Me - Dan Deleon

Thank you, Dan Deleon, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. And, then, we noted goggle-eyed a study that showed that the number of newspapers sold per 100 households in Canada had dropped from 102 in 1950 to 18 in 2015. At this rate, by 2030 the number will be -2! (No, we're not sure how that would work; perhaps all those newspaper hoarders will try to give some issues back to publishers.)

We smiled, content that we had done our part to further the Information Revolution.

The Daily Me Staff

Mike Pence Would Have A Stroke If He Did

A photo of what appears to be American President Donald Trump grabbing Prime Minister Theresa May by the crotch has been hailed by the British government as proof that it will prosper post-Brexit because of the country's special relationship with the world's economic powerhouse.

"You don't see President Trump grabbing Enrique Pena Nieto by the crotch!" May's Press Secretary Lizzie Loudon crowed.

Despite her enthusiasm, May be overstating how the relationship will help cushion the economic blow of Brexit. After all, Trump has proven himself fickle, and may well grow tired of May's crotch and grab the crotch of any good looking country that happens to walk by.

SOURCE: The Smarmian


In Fact, Captain Kirk Would Have Sacrificed Half Of Starfleet To Make Sure It DIDN'T Happen!

Star Trek fans are in mourning after learning that the USS Enterprise, the world's first nuclear-powered aircraft carrier, has been officially decommissioned. When its reactors have been completely defuelled, it will be taken apart and its metal will be recycled.

"Noooooooo!" cried Wassily Schmerk. "Why? Why? Why...can't they just add a few dewdads to the model, slap another number on the hull and keep it going for another few decades?"

"Captain Kirk would never have allowed this to happen," Ennobium Prius darkly muttered.

SOURCE: Geekly News & World Report


Has Theresa May Been Diagnosed?

International Cooperation Delusion Syndrome (ICDS): the irrational belief that a nativist, protectionist world leader will maintain the amicable economic and political relationship that two countries have enjoyed in the past. EXAMPLE: "Resolute Forest Products chief executive Richard Garneau believes that he can convince the Trump administration that eastern Canada's lumber exports deserve free and unfettered access to the American market. He is clearly suffering from ICDS!"

SOURCE: Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fourth Edition (DSM-IV)

[not available online]

Marketing Indicates That Some Consumers Will Confuse PFCs For KFC And Ask For Extra Crispy French Fry Boxes

There's a new choice for health conscious eaters on the menu at fast food restaurants: non-chemically treated wrappers. Diners will have a choice of burger wrappers, french fry cartons and pizza boxes coated with perfluorinated chemicals (PFCs) or plain old uncoated paper and cardboard.

On the negative side, paper and boxes not treated with PFCs will make your hands greasy. Oh, and they'll cost more (because products always cost more when they are composed of fewer raw materials). On the plus side, consumers' odds of getting cancer, liver damage or reproductive problems caused by the chemicals are a lot less likely when PFC-laden wrappers do not come into contact with food.

Given the health risks, why not just phase out the use of PFCs entirely?

Fast Food League of America representative Lemmy LaMonte shook his head sadly and responded, "You don't really understand how capitalism works, do you?"

SOURCE: Wall Street Infernal


Yes: Listen To What Trump Says, Then See If Steve Bannon Is Nodding His Head In Agreement

"Predicting what Trump will do next: Is there a model for that? - Globe and Mail

SOURCE: Billy-Bob's International House O' Headlines


That Was What He Had Meant To Say From The Beginning, He Was Just Too Emotionally Broken Up To Be Able To Articulate It

Conservative leadership candidate Kevin O'Leary has been criticized for posting video on the Internet of himself shooting various automatic weapons, including a really nifty machine gun, at the same time as a memorial was held for three victims of a mass shooting at a Quebec mosque.

"That's the problem with this country," O'Leary muttered to himself, "nobody's is allowed to have any fun! You try to have fun, and somebody will inevitably pop out of the woodwork to be offended!"

A few hours later, O'Leary tweeted, "Out of respect for today's service, I have taken down my last post."

SOURCE: Glob and Maul


And, We Haven't Even Gotten To The Bull Sessions Yet!

10pm. NBC. Presidential Apprentice. Interim Attorney General Sally Yates is given The Loyalty Test. Will she choose to save her career by obeying an Executive Order that she has reasonable doubt is Constitutional, or will she choose to uphold the Constitution, risking having host Donald Trump shout, "You're fired!"?

SOURCE: Ukrainian TV Guide


Nobody Knows Where The Aga Khan Has Been...Except For His Millions Of Admirers

Remember how the Conservatives howled because Prime Minister Justin Trudeau vacationed on a private island owned by the Aga Khan? Well! It turns out that, while all this fooferaw was going on, interim Conservative leader Rona Ambrose was holidaying on the yacht of energy mogul Murray Edwards.

"The two situations are completely different!" said Conservative spokestooge Mike Storeshaw. "In politics, palling about with business leaders is a time-honoured tradition - palling around with humanitarians is just weird!"

SOURCE: The Quick and the Detwiler



trumpalanche (noun): a deluge of edicts and news from the Trump administration that makes rational analysis of a specific policy very difficult. USAGE: "I wanted to analyze the draft memo that would give employers the right to discriminate based on their religious beliefs, but I was buried under a trumpalanche of immigration ban news!"

trumpa-lumpa (noun): a person who exhibits unthinking support for anything President Trump or his administration does. USAGE: "Dick argued that thousands of Muslims with green cards should not be allowed back into the country because they could be sleeper terrorists. Sleeper terrorists! Can you believe that? He's such a trumpa-lumpa!"

trumpusional (adjective): a delusional state in which President Donald Trump must believe that he is the first/best/biggest at everything. USAGE: "I'm getting new words based on my behaviour into the Oxford English Dictionary faster than any other human being in history! And, I'm not being trumpusional - that's a fact!"

SOURCE: Michelle's Obscure Pedantry Page


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