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Chapter 5
February 26, 2017

The Daily Me - Ekaitz Ortega

Thank you, Ekaitz Ortega, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. And, then, American officials confirmed that Sarah Palin would not be the US Ambassador to Canada. Nope. Un uh. Not happening. Do you...do you hear that? That's the sound of a thousand disappointed stand-up comedians kicking beavers.

The Daily Me Staff

Bannon Hope, All Ye Who Enter


PRESIDENT TRUMP is surrounded by half a dozen advisers.

STEVE BANNON: Mister president, something needs to be done about Flynn.

PRESIDENT TRUMP: Hunh? Mike is a good man, a great national security adviser - best this country has ever had. In its history. The best.

BANNON: Uhh. Okay. Sure. Only, the more the press digs into his connections with Russia, the more it looks like they influenced the election in your favour.

PRESIDENT TRUMP: (confused) Wasn't that the plan?

BANNON: The point is that the public must never know if -

PRESIDENT TRUMP: I like Russia. Vladimir Putin is a good guy, somebody I can work with. My administration's gonna have the best relationship with Russia that America has ever had. Ever. In the history of history.

JARED KUSHNER: Dad! Can you focus, please? If any more about this leaks out, it could be a scandal!

PRESIDENT TRUMP: Maybe. But, if it is, it will be the biggest scandal Washington has ever seen, right?


PRESIDENT TRUMP: It will be huge! Worse than Watergate!

BANNON: With all due respect, sir, that's been done.

PRESIDENT TRUMP: Then, it will be worse than worse than Watergate! This is no time to be thinking small! This has to be absolutely, positively the worst scandal that Washington - no, the world! - has ever seen!

KUSHNER: It could mean the end of your presidency!

PRESIDENT TRUMP: Really? Well. There's only one thing I can say to that... Live from New Jersey, it's The Weekend!

SOURCE: Weekends!


When Reality Is Based On Your Gut, You End Up Pulling Facts Out Of Your...

Forty per cent of Canadians believe that the country takes in too many refugees. When asked how many refugees the country took in last year, the answers were not encouraging. They included:

"I don't know. Thirty-eight million? Give or take?"

"Hard to say, really. What day is it?"

"What do I look like, a statistician?"

SOURCE: Glob and Maul


With A Strong Leader, You Know Who's Calling The Shots

Westerners do not seem able to understand why Josef Stalin is becoming increasingly popular with the Russian people, 46 per cent of whom expressed some kind of positive view of the former dictator in a recent poll. But, it is not hard to understand.

Under Stalin, if you expressed a negative view of the government, you would be shot. This was strong domestic leadership.

Under Stalin, if a foreign leader disagreed with Russia's territorial ambitions, their country was invaded and their leaders shot. This was strong international leadership.

Under Stalin, production of goods climbed each year. If a plant manager did not report an increase in production, he was shot. This was strong economic progress.

Donald Trump could learn from this. Vladimir Putin clearly has.



REMEMBER: It's Not The Size Of Your Quote That Counts...

President Trump is in hot water again, holding an impromptu security briefing in his Mar-a-Lago White House away from White House as resort staff worked around him. The staff likely did not have security clearance to hear any part of the conversation or see any of the documents that were under discussion.

"I met with President Trump to discuss matters of importance to both of our countries."

In other news, the Office of Government Ethics has recommended that the White House investigate Trump assistant Kellyanne Conway for her exhortation to buy Ivanka Trump's line of clothing. This would appear to be an obvious violation of laws that public figures should not directly benefit privately while their their relatives are in office.

"Hello? Hello? Can anybody hear me? I'm the Canadian Prime Minister - Justin Trudeau? I met with President Trump today. Hello?"

Oh. Right. Canadian Prime Minister Justin - wait! This just in: Security Adviser Michael Flynn has resigned over a phone call he made to a Russian official before Trump was sworn in. Apparently, Flynn talked about lifting sanctions against Russia which the Obama administration had just imposed. Again: Security Adviser Michael Flynn has resigned! For more on this story, we go to -


SOURCE: Deadline News Network


The Court Of Public Opinion Is Now In Sessions

Attorney General Jeff Sessions once said that the decline in civility in public schools was the fault of a law that mandated that, where possible, disabled children be integrated into general classrooms. Using this logic, is the decline in civility in Congress the fault of disabled legislators?

"Is being an asshole a disability?" Sessions chuckled. Then, more sternly, he commented, "Don't bother writing that down - I'll just deny I said it and you will look like morons."

SOURCE: Cleveland Wheeler Dealer


The Trick Is To Be Creative

In line with a new Arizona law that allows the lawyers of death row inmates to supply prisons with the drugs needed for their execution, Ruiz Rizzo, lawyer for convicted murderer Bronwyn Borokowski, supplied the prison with a box of Krispy Kreme donuts.

"What?" Rizzo stated. "Sugar is an addictive substance that causes obesity, hardening of the arteries and, in 20 or 30 years, fatal heart attacks. Can I help it if it doesn't do its job immediately? It's not like the law contained a time limit!"

In other death penalty news, states which are having difficulty obtaining the drugs necessary for lethal injections are finding other methods of executing prisoners. Utah, for example, has brung back stoning - "That most biblical of executions," according to State Attorney General Gernerica Fernance. "After crucifixions, I mean. Mmm...crucifixions - say, that gives me an idea!"

Mississippi is considering executing prisoners by penguin inhalation. "They can only hold their breaths for so long," said state Attorney General Monique de la Ghast. "Sooner or later, they'll have to inhale - and, then, BOOM!"

SOURCE: USA Whenever


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