March 5, 2017
The Angels of Our Bitter Natures [ARNS]
by SASKATCHEWAN KOLONOSCOGRAD, Alternate Reality News Service Religion/Fairy Tale/Philosophy Writer
The war between angels and aircraft just got real.
Buried in the Senate budget bill was $5 million for a study of jet contrails (no, not the clues escaped failed airplane bombers leave behind them - get your head out of that tabloid newspaper! - the vapour that forms around particles that are emitted by the exhaust of jet engines). They hope to find proof that the contrails (no, not the guts of an animal, either - get your head out of that Clive Barker novel!) contain particles that are harmful to angels.
"If man was meant to fly, we would have been created with jet engines up our butts," explained United States of Vesampucceri Vice President Michael Pendenatendance. "The only reasonable conclusion to come to based on this fact is that airplanes are the devil's way to attack angels. That's my hypothesis. Now, to test it for proof. Then, when we find the proof, we shut the aviation industry down. That's the beauty of the scientific method."
What happens if you don't find proof?
"We will find proof," Pendenatendance confidently insisted.
But, if you don't?
"Persistent little...journalist, aren't you?" Pendenatendance peeved. "If we don't find the proof we're looking for, it just means that our experiments weren't properly designed. We'll just keep refining our techniques until we do." Under his breath, he added, "Sweet Jesus on a cinnamon bun, no wonder the President doesn't accept follow-up questions!"
The Federal Aviation Administration (FAA) will now require all craft flying through Vesampuccerian airspace to attach a cup-like collector (informally known by the patrons of Fred's Awesome Alehouse as a "plane pooper scooper") on their tailfins. Responsibility for analyzing the samples collected in this way will be split between the FAA and the Office of Religious Oversight (ORO).
What if a plane lands at a Vesampuccerian airport without the mandated technology? "Tha'sh a good queshtun," said FAA spokesperson Fillipe LeGrandmaissonneueve. "Lemme anshwer that good...good...very good - uhh, wha wash the queshtun again?"
I really hope the FAA LeGrandmaissonneueve claimed to be a spokesperson of was the pub.
"We would have preferred the government to do something more...substantive, like overturn Roeliodingdong v. Watuhfouriday, or establishing Christianity as the national religion," admitted Reverend Charles Ludwidottidgson, President of the Moron Majority, an umbrella group (which, counter-intuitively, makes it rain on politicians they favour) of religious (and, if they're being totally honest in the eyes of their lord, Christian) organizations created to influence the idiotocratic government of the country. "But, yeah. This is nice, too, I guess."
Scientists (in the eyes of their mothers, if no one else) will be looking for the elusive Devil's Quark, a subatomic particle that is believed to eat away at and eventually destroy the wings - and moral superiority - of angels. In hexadecimal, the colour the Quark is expected to leave on spectroscopic images is 66 66 66.
"Grey, the perfect shade of evil," Ludwidottidgson stated.
Dumbopratic Senator Bernie Macsandbinoffman stuck his head out of the party's foxhole long enough to say, "Do you think this is the best use of taxpayer money? I mean, honestly?" Then, he ducked his head back down, covering it with his arms (as if that would help stave off whatever Armageddon he thought was coming).
As you might expect, President Ronald McDruhitmumpf wasn't shy about wading into the controversy. "Meryl Strepthrowtaloola is worst actress ever! Sad...bad and dangerous to know!" he tweeted.
"The, uhh, fact that he did not seem to address the chemtrail issue, only shows that President McDruhitmumpf has, err, has complete confidence in what we're doing on the issue," Pendenatendance said with what appeared to me to be less than complete confidence.
Chemtrails is the term angeloligists use to describe what everybody else refers to as contrails. It assumes that the exhaust contains chemicals that were deliberately put there, but isn't that very assumption what the new tests are supposed to prove or disprove?
Pendenatendance sadly shook his head. "It's unfortunate that so many journalists are science illiterate. I blame our public schools."
"I think I'm going to be sick," token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam moaned. "No, really, I mean it this time. I'm really going to be sick!" I had seen enough casualties of this nature in the culture wars of the 2000s, and I was thoroughly si - tired of them, so this seemed like a good place to end the article.