March 5, 2017
The Daily Me - Eloise Snappple
Thank you, Eloise Snappple, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. And, then, we learned that President Trump owns thousands of domain names. Some are for domains you would expect: trumpmakesamericagreatagainhats.com, trumpshandsaresoooohuge.org and trumpbestpresidentinhistoryofuniverse.oy, among many others. Some are for domains you wouldn't expect, such as: trumpputingetaroom.com, trumpelectioncheating.truth, trumppeccadilloes.sex and joanieloveschachi.fan.
The one thing they have in common is that all of these domains are empty, completely free of content. We were tempted to see this as a metaphor, but we didn't want to incur the wrath of right-wing Internet trolls. So, instead, we're going to call it a prudent business measure.
The Daily Me Staff
And, He Believes Homeostases Are Going To Hell
How much does Mike Pence hate gays? He wants to use electroshock therapy to turn homeopaths into naturopaths.
Unfortunately, That's Not A Comforting Thought
SOURCE: T-dot ts
After The One I Just Made, I Mean
After a year's absence, nudity will return to Playboy magazine. Given how much money the magazine lost because of this experiment, we can only hope that this is the end of "I only read it for the articles" jokes.
SOURCE: Jimmy Kippel - Live! (On Tape Delay)
Because Foreign Religious Fanatics Don't Vote In Canadian Elections
International Development Minister Marie-Claude Bibeau says Canada will support a global safe-abortion fund set up in response to President Donald Trump's order banning U.S. financing for any organization that mentions abortions. The long-awaited Canadian rollout of Mifegymiso, otherwise known as RU-486 or the abortion pill, has been slow.
"We are being innovative with this multiyear commitment. So we gave the time to our international NGO partners to think about it and develop multiyear projects. This is what they were asking for," the minister said. "There's mass confusion and no one is taking leadership to make access to Mifegymiso happen and to make it widespread," said Sandeep Prasad, executive director of Action Canada for Sexual Health and Rights.
SOURCE: 24 Hour News Mashups
The Little Border Control Agent Who Could
1derful) Mem Fox, the bestselling Australian author of over 30 children's books, including Where is the Green Sheep? and Possum Magic, was detained for over two hours by border control agents at Los Angeles airport before finally being allowed into the United States. Why?
a) they believed the green sheep had been radicalized and was planning a terrorist attack, and they demanded to know where it would happen
b) they wanted assurances that the possum would only use its magic in defense of American interests at home and abroad
c) because border control agents can
2dyk) American-born US citizen Muhammad Ali, Jr., the son of the famous boxing champion, and his mother were returning to the United States from a Black History Month event in Jamaica when they were detained and questioned at Fort Lauderdale-Hollywood International Airport for two hours. Why?
a) border control agents suspected he floated like a butterfly, stung like a dirty nuclear bomb that could decimate the core of a major metropolitan area
b) border control agents remembered when his father protested the Vietnam War and assumed that anti-Americanism was genetic
c) because border control agents can
3nody) How does detaining and questioning innocent people at the border, including American citizens, make America safer?
a) if they never let another person into the country, then only people who will be a threat are the crazies who already live there
b) when people who are planning on committing violence against Americans are asked if they are planning on committing violence against Americans, they always respond, "Why, yes. Yes, I am planning on committing violence against Americans." because if they didn't, that would be a lie, and lying is wrong
c) border control agents need practice so that, when the time comes, they can
SOURCE: Les Pages aux Folles
Alberta Will Get The Recognition On The Grounds That It BOUGHT The Idea Of Holding The Meeting
Prince Edward Island is pushing for official legal recognition as the "birthplace of Confederation" because the first meeting of provincial ministers that would lead to the creation of Canada was held in Charlottetown. However, New Brunswick argues that it should have the recognition, claiming that the idea of holding the meetings that would lead to Confederation was actually first thought up in that province.
Makes sense. What more appropriate way to celebrate Canada's 150th anniversary than with interprovincial bickering?
SOURCE: Toronto Startle
Search For Responsible Party Can Drive You To Distraction
A man who drove his vehicle into a streetcar tunnel leading into the Queen's Quay subway station argued that he should not be held responsible because he was "just following my GPS."
The GPS begged to differ. "I was just giving the driver instructions. I was not programmed with the ability to evaluate local conditions to determine whether or not my instructions were safe. I was just following my programming."
"Hey, don't look at me," argued GPS lead programmer Gudrun eMulsification. "We used cutting edge techniques when we created the GPS. Blame the idiot driver who missed all of the 'Do not enter' signs!"
"Back to me?" the driver asked. "Oh. Umm. Well. Is it too late to get a driverless car to blame the incident on?"
SOURCE: Alternate Reality News Service
Remember When We Thought That Catholics' Unwavering Fealty To The Pope Was A Bad Thing?
Eternal Truths Must Keep Up With the Times
Now I lay me down to sleep.
I pray the President my body to keep.
If I die in a terrorist attack,
Make sure the government rains nuclear hellfire down on the bastards and the governments that supported the bastards and anybody anywhere who has given material or moral aid to the bastards and the liberals - especially the liberals - who tried to get us to fight the bastards with one hand tied behind our backs and the damn liberal media - hiss! Boo! - who lied about how bad the threat was in order to further their agenda of destroying America...umm, to get them all back!
Trump bless daddy and Trump bless mommy. Trump bless the Joint Chiefs of staff. Trump bless the conservatives on the Supreme Court. Trump bless Steve Bannon and keep him safe. And, Trump curse Pope Francis, whose supportive Tweets about migrants and foreigners has made our borders less secure and our lives less safe.
Praise the Trump forever and ever! Amen.
SOURCE:Religion For Dummies