March 12, 2017
The Daily Me - Scouville Anzari
Thank you, Scouville Anzari for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. And, then, we got our first laptop computer. Okay, it's steam-powered, but everybody has to start somewhere. We don't want to say the computer's keyboard has a light touch, but using it reminded us of our days as professional wrestlers: every time we hit a key, it sounded like a body being slammed into the mat.
And, that's where the comparison ends!
The Daily Me Staff
Drink In The Irony
SOURCE: T-dot ts
NASA Has No Information On The Immigration Policy Of The Exoplanets
American Liberals Threaten To Move To Them Regardless
NASA announced that it has discovered seven exoplanets, at least three of which may have conditions conducive for life. Democrats immediately started debating whether the exoplanets would be far enough way from President Trump for them to be able to live comfortably.
SOURCE: Scientific Canadian
If That Doesn't Work, He Can Always Fall Back On The "It Depends On What The Definition Of Is Is" Defense
Attorney General Jeff "Don't Tread on Me" Sessions claimed under oath in a congressional hearing that he had no contact with Russian agents during the election campaign. Soon after, the press reported that he did, in fact, talk to the Russian ambassador - more than once! - during the campaign.
At first, he tried the "Oh, You Meant That Russian?" defense, but it didn't go over very well, so he moved on to the "I'm Going to Recuse Myself From Investigations of Trump Ties to Russia Because the Damage Has Already Been Do - Tee Hee - Did I Say That Last Part Out Loud?" defense. We'll see how well that goes over.
SOURCE: The Postington Wash
Defense Attorneys And Perverts Are Studying The Ruling Carefully
Halifax Judge Gregory Lenahan has made legal history by creating the concept of Liquid Consent: if a woman is too drunk to remember whether or not she consented to sex, hey, she might have, you never know, anything is possible in this big crazy world of ours, so let's not ruin some poor schmuck's life over it, okay?
Remember the old joke, "No means buy her another round?" Sad to think that, if this ruling is allowed to stand, a piece of frat boy (alleged) humour will become the law of the land.
SOURCE: Canadian Depress
Where Is Your Compassion? Who Will Spare A Tear For The Poor Insurance Companies!
CNN contributor and former circus performer Rick Santorum suggested that it was a mistake to guarantee health care coverage for people with medical conditions because "millions" of them were scamming health and insurance companies.
"Just repealing and replacing O'Bummercare is not good enough - this is not an all you can eat shrimp bar!" Santorum said in a wood panel discussion. "Sick people demanding care are a drain on the medical system, and we must stop them before they cause the system to collapse!"
A weary nation watched and asked, "Sick people getting help...isn't that kind of the point of the health care system?"
SOURCE: Deadline News Network
History Is The Jason Voorhees Of The Muses
The End of the End of History
Freedom is Not Free Press
The author of a famous book explaining why freedom won the Cold War writes another book explaining why the resurgence of Russia as a dominant world power and the unravelling of alliances such as NATO that were instrumental in stopping it does not invalidate the premise of his first book. The game is given away on the final page, though, when Fukujima reluctantly admits that "history might be creeping around the edges of the world's narrative, looking for a way back in."
SOURCE: Unread Book News
Hippocrates Meets Hypocrites
Misinformed Consent (noun phrase): misinformed consent occurs when a patient agrees to a medical procedure without being given the full facts by her doctor. USAGE: "I would have sued my doctor for malpractice for telling me that the drugs he was prescribing for me would definitely not, no way, never in a million years, pinky swear and hope to die cause my hair to fall out and grow on my knuckles - even though that's exactly what it did - but after the Texas Senate passed a law proposed by the Committee on State Affairs that doctors could lie to their patients about whether the fetuses they were carrying had disabilities, my misinformed consent would make such a lawsuit futile. Darn it."
SOURCE: Michelle's Obscure Pedantry Page
NO BIG LOSS
Everybody Knows There Are No More Funny Variations On Jokes About Airline Food
Scientists are working on perfecting a beer that tastes good at high altitudes. This could revolutionize stand-up comedy.
Jokes about beer tasting like cat pee, for instance, will lose their currency if beer tastes like champagne. (Of course, scientists may some day create a cat who pees champagne, but that's a revolution in comedy best left for another time.) Moreover, if passengers actually enjoy drinking the alcohol served on planes, they might drink enough of it to no longer be able to taste just how awful the food served to them is; this would remove another rich source of material from comedians' repertoire.
"This is a disaster!" Titters founder Abigail "Mark" Breslin groaned. "If this is true, half of my comics will lose their best material! Damn you, scientific researchers! Damn you, I say!"
SOURCE: Titters Comedy Club
Which Witch Hunt Hunter Is Which?
Investigators into White House leaks now believe that President Trump's Android device was responsible, according to sources somewhere in the general vicinity of the Commander-in-Chief.
"I will not resign my position in the President's hand over some partisan witch hunt," the beleaguered Android device insisted in an e-press release. "Speaking of which, did you know that George Soros has bought a condo for each of the millions of anti-administration protesters? Why don't we hear more about that from the lying mainstream media? Hunh? Hunh? Why don't we?"
Late that evening, Trump tweeted, "Don't believe fake news! have full confidense in my Android. smear campaign so sad." The device the President tweeted from was impossible to determine.
SOURCE: Cleveland Wheeler Dealer