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Chapter 9
March 26, 2017

Puns We Love to Hate Is Old Enough to Know Better

Puns we love to hate wonders why we can't all just get along...
1. The tabloid journalist, satisfied with his latest article, said, "Well, that's you sordid, then!"
2. Animated digital cards are the best way of having a display of e-motions...
3. I really wanted to buy that tub of ice cream at the time, but now I'm feeling Breyer's remorse...
4. Even distant galaxies change to Communism - we know this by their red shift...
5. There were precedents to the introduction to the latest Pearls Before Swine collection because the Pastis prologue...
6. I'm not saying that H. H. Munro had a pen name, but let's assume for the Saki of argument that he did...
7. If the old woman who lived in a shoe stayed in a Christian clog while travelling, would she have to rest on the sabot?
8. Censoring that boring government document was a redact of mercy...
9. If you want to truly understand the tobacco war, you have to look at its cheroot causes...
10. I want you to put the perennial flowering plant in my garden, but please don't make me begonia...
11. I will be able to afford to buy that boat schooner or later...
12. If Meti rebel Louis had been knighted, the bizarre scene would have been positively Sir Riel...
13. Marx was right: Greek mythology is the Cassiopeiate of the masses...
14. The first time my wife and I saw an Italian movie, we Fellini love...
15. When the Golem smashed somebody, you could say that it fell on him like an automaton of bricks...
16. I'm sorry to have to say this, but your hatred of gaze definitely makes you homophonic...
17. The Duke's fight with his wife meant he had gotten his Duchess in a row...
18. I tend to fumble when making Asian stir fry. You could say that I'm wokward...
19. When it came time to negotiate what Conrad would be willing to eat for dinner, Lays was a definite bargaining chip.
20. How Richard Nixon moved carrying liquids could be considered his water gait...
21. Don't like the City of Angeles? That's okay - it's your Los...
22. If the vocalist at my synagogue had been an opera star, I'm sure he would have sung bel canter...
23. I wanted to get a free drink at the pundits' club, but I didn't want to get too close to the opine bar...
24. Soon after she made a fortune on the stock market, the Tooth Fairy was arrested for incisor trading...
25. The glue that held European society together between 18871 and 1914 was the Belle Epoxy...
26. I was reluctant to elevate my hero too high, so I pedestalled for time...
27. The Stephen King novel about the new-born rabbits was truly a hare raising tale...
28. When Washington could not describe the pelota-like game, he said: "I cannot tell Jai Alai..."
29. Bob could not stop talking about his boat; I spent hours listening to him kayakety yak...
30. If France is my downfall, N1338 is truly the road to Rouen...
31. I don't know much about shades of brown, but it ochres to me...


This month, Puns We Love to Hate is feeling the love.
1. Marriage is the ultimate altared state...
2. For birds, talk is cheep...
3. The comic book superhero ski instructor knew that with great powder comes great responsibility...
4. I wanted to laugh, but the seriousness of the subject left me with little giggle room...
5. How can it be pneumonia when I've had it for over a week?
6. If the Marvel Universe was set in a world of dogs, the villains would cry, "Hail Hydrant!"
7. Criticizing Disney communities online is something of an Epcottage industry...
8. If the actor who starred in I Spy had to admit he was wrong, would his statement be a Robert Culpa?
9. I want to sing the praises of the pharmaceutical company, but that would just be gilding the Eli Lilly...
10. Personally insulting a famous white rap star could be considered an ad Eminem attack...
11. "Are you trying to tell me I have less tools with which to propel this boat than you?" "Yeah, more oarless..."
12. The polar bear who didn't want to drown decided to go with the floe...
13. When he was rummaging through the fridge for a midnight snack, Macbeth asked, "Is this a Dagwood I see before me?"
14. The volt who was charged with murder demanded a jury of his amperes...
15. When somebody dumps singer Dolly, they should tell her: "Parton is such sweet sorrow..."
16. If nuns played professional tennis, would they compete at Wimpleton?
17. When the sprite from Shakespeare's The Tempest flew, you could call it an Ariel display...
18. I always cook animals I find on the highway in my road kiln...
19. The man who tried to smuggle rare turtles into the country in his pants was caught at the seam of the crime...
20. I'm not big on resource extraction, but I suppose I should keep an open mine on the subject...
21. Don't like American revolutionary Thomas? I feel your Paine...
22. I know you didn't like me making fun of the medieval re-enactment, but it was Ren Faire game...
23. Spinster: a woman who decides throughout her life to give marriage a miss...
24. I know you love drinking beverages from cows, but now you're just milking it...
25. I almost have enough room for all my clothes. Aargh! It's frustrating to be so closet, yet so far!
26. I've never been able to imagine four dimensional cubes. I just chalk them up to a tesseract of god...
27. When the precipitation just won't let up, I consider it assiduous rain...
28. When it comes to the star of The Blacklist, I don't beat around the bush: I like to call a Spader a Spader...
29. The mixologist who was free with his arguments tended an opine bar...
30. The publisher who wanted Bennett to edit the article on fun on the beach cried, "Cerf's up!"
31. If native populations had not been decimated by white settlement, Hollywood might now be known as Oglalaland...

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