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Chapter 9
March 26, 2017

The Daily Me - Rebekah Daaaaaaaahling

Thank you, Rebekah Daaaaaaaahling, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. And, then, we heard that Chuck Berry had died at the age of 90. We wanted to write something praising his role in the creation of rock and roll, but he wouldn't give us permission to do so until we gave him $2,500 in a brown paper bag, and we had already earmarked that money to save orphan...whales from...drug addiction. Or, something thoughtful and socially progressive like that. So, we decided to praise blues legend James Cotton, who died at 81, instead.

The Daily Me Staff

Come For The Food, Stay For The Ambience
The Nuclear Ambience
Hunh! For A Buffet, They Sure Are Unclear On The Concept Of Choice

Sing Fuap Gardens Buffet
237 Okinawa Boulevard
reservations required during peak hours

review by Rex Tillerson, American Secretary of State

The prices at this restaurant were outrageous! $5.99 for all you can eat dinner? How is a good American burger joint supposed to compete against these prices? The owners are obviously keeping the cost of a meal at Sing Fuap Gardens artificially low in order to destroy competition from the cuisines of other nations!

Not only that, but it was hard not to notice that construction workers stood by the outer walls, a clear indication that the restaurant had plans to take over adjacent properties. This expansionist policy must be checked before it upsets the delicate balance of the neighbourhood's eateries!

Oh, and the food wasn't that great, either.



Clearly, The Left Hand Doesn't Know Who The Right Hand Is Giving The Bird To

White House press secretary Sean Spicer said Monday that President Donald Trump "doesn't really think" that Barack Obama "tapped his phone personally," seeming to walk back Trump's explosive and unsubstantiated claim that his predecessor ordered an illegal wiretap of Trump Tower. Donald Trump's senior aide Kellyanne Conway has suggested Barack Obama could have monitored the President through a microwave.

"I think there is no question that the Obama administration, that there were actions about surveillance and other activities that occurred in the 2016 election. That is a widely-reported activity that occurred back then," Spicer said. "The president used the word wiretap in quotes to mean broadly surveillance and other activities during that." She claimed surveillance could be conducted with "microwaves that turn into cameras," and added: "We know this is a fact of modern life."

SOURCE: 24 Hour News Mashups


For The Love Of God, Won't Somebody STOP Thinking About The Children?!

When we think of baskets, we usually think of fair maidens skipping down forest paths carrying dainty comestibles to grandma's house in the woods. We were brought up that way. We don't usually think of aging white guys carrying despicable ideologies to ignoramuses in the suburbs.

Thank you, Representative Steve King, for updating our understanding of fairy tales. Apparently, Grimm wasn't grim enough.

King, a long-time resident of the basket of deplorables who most recently earned his place there by reducing racism to a t-shirt slogan, wanted people to know that he wasn't being racist. "It's the culture, not the blood," he explained. "If you could go anywhere in the world and adopt these little babies and put them into households that were already assimilated into America, those babies will grow up as American as any other baby." But, wouldn't that mean that you actually could rebuild your society with somebody else's babies?

Deplorable isn't all that big on consistency. Or, logic. Or, compassion. But, at least it's consistent in that way...

SOURCE: Karl's Big Red Web Page of Unreconstructed Marxism


There You Go Again - Always Reaching For The Easy Answer!
This Is What We Get For Making It Unfashionable To Tell Jokes About Airline Food!

QUESTION: Which members of Donald Trump's inner circle had contact with Russians during the election?

ANSWER: Which didn't?

SOURCE: Bill's Bitter Pills


Free Trade Is Not Free
Sometimes, It's Barely Trade

Saskatchewan's Association of Rural Municipalities has overwhelming passed a resolution that calls for an expansion of an individual's rights to defend themselves and their property. The resolution has been compared to American "stand your ground" laws.

"This is the brilliance of free trade," said Preston Manning, President of the Preston Manning Institute for the Glorification of People Named Preston Manning. "We give the United States our oil, they give us their political culture!"

SOURCE: Festerin' Report


We Just Be Tryin' Ta Keep Punctuation Real, Homies

A class action lawsuit about overtime pay for truck drivers hinged entirely on whether there was a difference in meaning between "packing for shipment or distribution" and "packing for shipment, or distribution." Because the state law was written as the former, dairy farmers may lose $10 million.

"Take that you Oxford comma hatin' bastards!" exulted People for the Punctuation Way President Ollie MacGyver. "Not so eager to scrap a vital punctuation mark when big bucks are involved, are ya? Hunh? Are ya?

SOURCE: Unread Book News


He Got These Facts From The Numbers On The Back Of A Fortune Cookie, So You Know They Must Be True

When President Donald was wee little Candidate Donald, he used to tell the story that the unemployment figures cited by his predecessor were small, small, small, and that the actual number was big, big, big. How big, big, big? 109% big, big, big.

"Some people were fired twice," Candidate Donald explained.

Now that wee little candidate Donald is all growed up, he tells a different story. The unemployment rate is now small, small, small. How small, small, small? 4.7% small, small, small. More or less what it was before he took office small, small, small. How does he account for this sudden change?

"Jeez, it's just stories," President Donald explained. "You know. Jason Bourne. John Wayne. Unemployment figures. You'd have to be pretty dumb to think that any of them were real!"

SOURCE: Cleveland Wheeler Dealer


Oh, And Of Course THIS Is The Vote Congress Wants To Investigate!

Hasbro has announced that it is replacing the boot, wheelbarrow and thimble with a T-Rex, penguin and rubber ducky. The new game pieces were chosen by a vote of players around the world.

Russian interference is suspected.

SOURCE: Geekly News & World Report


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