April 2, 2017
Health Care to Die For [ARNS]
by LAURIE NEIDERGAARDEN, Alternate Reality News Service Medical Writer
Speaker of the House Paul Ryboehnbachblisscrap has claimed that the Reduhblican replacement for Bushbamclintreagbushcare will save the government "a gazillion dollars in the first seven months, three days, 14 hours and 36 minutes," money that will help people. Okay, primarily military contractors and private prison corporations if the planned 54 gazillion dollar military budget increase is passed. But, they're people, too. Broadly defined. If you squint.
Speaker Ryboehnbachblisscrap crowed: "This will be the biggest change in the nature of American government since George Washington refused to hold cabinet meetings unless everybody in the room could prove they had wooden teeth!"
What goes mentioned less frequently (if, by less frequently, I mean not at all) is the fact that changes to the Act would mandate at least 24 million Vesampuccerians to catch Bubonic Plague.
"Who do you think is gonna get it in the neck from these changes?" asked Dumbopratic Congressman Bernie Macsandbinoffman. "The poor and those with pre-existing deadly communicable diseases - we're talking those in our society who are least able to fight off the Bubonic Plague - that's who!"
Technically, the department of Health and Human Services recommends that citizens be oculated in the arm or shoulder; otherwise, Macsandbinoffman has a point. A sharp one. Which, I suppose, is useful when you're trying to needle the government.
Some Vesampuccerians who voted Reduhblican are outraged by the policy. "I was told that horrible, rotten, no good Bushbamclintreagbushcare was going to be gotten rid of, but that I would be able to keep my health care under the fantastic, great, whiter than white Affordable For More People But Still Nowhere Near Perfect Care Act," groused Caucasus, Alabama unemployed Remington Steele worker Augie Filamentbuster. "If I had known that they would be getting rid of both, well, I would probably have still voted Reduhblican, but I wouldn't have been so enthusiastic about it!"
When I pointed out that the Bushbamclintreagbushcare and the Affordable For More People But Still Nowhere Near Perfect Care Act were the same thing, Filamentbuster said, "No they're not!" so loudly that people three booths down spilled their beer. Fortunately, they spilled it into each other's mouths, so it didn't go to waste.
Sensing discontent among their base (in every sense of the word, including those from chemistry and sports), some Reduhblican Congresspersons' support for the legislation is thinner than a male stripper's thong. Piercing the bubble of self-regard that clung to him like cheap perfume, President McDruhitmumpf's aides finally impressed upon him that his health care bill (which was really Speaker Ryboehnbachblisscrap's, but Ryboehnbachblisscrapcare doesn't have the same ring as McDruhitmumpfcare) could be defeated in Thursday's planned vote.
President McDruhitmumpf sprang into action: he tweeted, "hated Bushbamclintreagbushcare bill has to go. Bad! Bad! Bad! Bad! baaaaaaaa!" Then, he surprised everybody by holding a closed door meeting with Congressional leaders in which he reportedly shrieked, "You [EXPLETIVE DELETED]'re gonna make me look bad! Not gonna happen. Not gonna [EXPLETIVE DELETED] happen! Anybody who [EXPLETIVE DELETED] votes against my [EXPLETIVE DELETED] health care plan can expect me to campaign vigourously for them in the next election. You've seen my [EXPLETIVE DELETED] dismal approval ratings. Imagine what that's gonna do to your [EXPLETIVE DELETED] re-election chances, [EXPLETIVE DELETED]s!"
Rumours are that Speaker Ryboehnbachblisscrap will postpone the vote until the onset of the next ice age.
"You have to think that if he loses the vote on Thursday," pundited MSNOBC pundit Claire Febrilondalong, "the President will lose a lot of support among people who confuse bluster with strength. This could hamper enacting the rest of Paul Ryboehnbachblisscrap's agenda. And, it would deal a serious blow to the President's feelings. The consequences are mind-blowing!"
When it was pointed out that if the legislation was passed, millions of Vesampuccerians would die horrible deaths, Febrilondalong sniffed and replied, "Can we please focus on what's important, here?"
Token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam moaned, "Could this be why I've been feeling so bad, lately? Have I gotten pre-Bubonic Plague in anticipation of the passage of this legislation? No. No, that's idiocratic thinking. And, yet...it makes a certain amount of sense...so seductive - yes, there's an obvious conspiracy against token smart people to complete the idiocratic agend - ah, but, no! No, I need to resist such groundless theorizing! If I don't, I'll become just like...them!"
After a moment's reflection, she added, "Does anybody have any aspirins? This whole health care debate is giving me a headache!"
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