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Chapter 10
April 2, 2017

The Daily Me - Sonny Velveeta

Thank you, Sonny Velveeta, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. And, then, US President Donald Trump didn't tweet last night. At first, we thought he was just late - he's busy with affairs of state and stuff, and he can't always tweet to a strict schedule. But, no, nothing. As the minutes wore on, we may have panicked a little - where were we going to get our evening's entertainment if not from Trump tweets? Television? Please! We reread his feed, which was fun, but reruns are never as entertaining as original programmes, are they? There's something about that original "What the...?" moment that can never be recaptured. We started wondering if maybe the Trump tweet show had been cancelled, but, then, this morning, he tweeted that the blame for the collapse of his health care reform bill lay at the feet of the Chinese pandas currently in residence at the Chicago Zoo, and - aaaaah! - we had something to talk about around the water cooler again!

The Daily Me Staff

You Know The Press Conference Was Bogus, Man -
Blair Was Holding A Red Apple!

The Liberal government has announced that it will be introducing legislation in April that will legalize marijuana. The process will be slowly rolled out, to be completed by Canada Day 2018.

"Oh, you know, there's no hurry, man," explained Liberal MP Bill Blair, who is heading the effort. "I mean, you know. There's no, umm, I mean, we don't need to rush it, because, because, because we all need time to just...be. You know what I'm saying? Take time to smell the Zeppelin and just...beeeeee. Oh, wow. The colours, man. The colours. I mean, can you see 126 shades of green in this apple? I can. And, I would show them all to you, every single one, but it takes, that's right, tiiiiiime. To beeeeeeeeeeeeee.

Say, you wouldn't happen to have some chips, would you? Or, maybe a chocolate bar? Really, just about anything edible would really hit the spot right now. Gotta feed the beast - know what I'm sayin'?"

SOURCE: The Irrational


Don't Knock Ignorance - It Got The Republicans Where They Are Today

The Senate voted 50 to 48 to repeal regulations requiring Internet providers to obtain consumer consent before using precise geo-location, financial information, health information and/or Web browsing history for advertising and internal marketing. Not wishing to be the subjects of YouTube videos, the CEOs of AT&T, Comcast and Verizon did a little happy dance in their office chairs.

"This is a victory for what made America great," said Senate Majority Leader Mitch "Yurtle" McConnell. Ignorance? "No," he chuckled, "the free market, although I can see how you might confuse the two."

SOURCE: Disassociated Press


But, Fighting The Power Hurts!

SOURCE: T-dot ts


At Least He Didn't Try To Explain His Jason Bourne Impression

Devin Nunes, Republican Chair of the House Intelligence Committee, gave another press briefing today. In it, he said: "My last press briefing may not have been entirely accurate. I mean, sure, I did see intelligence that may have mentioned somebody who might have had an interest in knowing what was in the intelligence. But, Speaker of the House Paul Ryan advised me to take it to the President before I did anything else. By which I mean, it was my idea to take it to the President, nobody else's. Mine.

And, while I'm on the subject, let me be perfectly clear: nobody in the White House showed me the intelligence. Yeah, sure, I actually looked at the documents on the White House grounds, but that doesn't mean that anybody in the White House gave them to me. And, anyway, I gave the other members of the Intelligence Committee what I knew as soon as the press conference was over. By which I mean, several days later I still haven't told the Committee what I told Speaker Ryan or the White House. I don't have a copy. Or, a memory. But...but...but...

I'm in way over my head, aren't I?"

SOURCE: The Podunk Mash & Enquirer


Resistance Is Feudal

"Resist the Internet" - New York Times

Author and social psychologist explains how technology has us hooked" - Toronto Star

SOURCE: Billy-Bob's International House O' Headlines


The Wall Is The Cure - Now We Just Have To Figure Out What The Problem Is

Anaximandro and Sully Amable were all set to enjoy a night watching a pirate show on a boat in the waters off of Cancun two weeks ago...when some U.S. tourists aboard the ship started chanting "build the wall," in a reference to U.S. President Donald Trump's plan to build a wall along the U.S. border with Mexico... The United State's State Department confirms that almost a million Americans are living illegally in Mexico.

Anaximandro, a Peruvian whose wife is Mexican, wrote that he has tried to stay out of the conversation around Trump's wall, and that he wants to believe that stupidity only extends to a "small group of people." While Trump's administration and campaign have been loaded with hateful words and racist slurs concerning "immigrants stealing our jobs," they failed to even mention the reverse statistics.

SOURCE: 24 Hour News Mashup


Intensity Of Brexit Hangover May Be Inversely Proportional To Income Level
If In Doubt, Consult An Economic Physician

Drinking Brexit Hard Cider will make you feel like you're in complete control of your life. Just don't mind the hangover the next day...or for years to come.

Brexit Hard Cider: available across the country starting on March 28.



And, Unlike, Say, Donald Trump And Angela Merkel, THEY Actually Shook Hands

The Kremlin was the place to be this week, as President Vlad Putin, ever debonair in his grey business suit, met with French politician Marine Le Pen, stunning in her grey business suit. Although they spoke of many things, the one that was the most contentious was their dessert preference.

"Marine swears by her eclairs," Putin told the press. "Me, I prefer chocolate-covered prunes. I'm traditional that way. Hopefully, they will serve both at the party for her inauguration as President of France. Ha ha ha."



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