April 9, 2017
The Daily Me - Oscar de la Roachmotel
Thank you, Oscar de la Roachmotel, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. And, then, we finally succumbed to Trump Fatigue. You know - the feeling that there may be something important going on in the world - like war, climate channge or a new Guardians of the Galaxy, vol. 2 trailer - but we wouldn't know because all of our available brain processing power was being being used to comprehend the latest news of the American President. Not knowing what else to do, we tried retreating to our happy place. Unfortunately, our happy place involves a lot of making fun of the American President, so we had to settle for binging on Skittles and Pop Tarts.
It's tough being political journalists these days!
The Daily Me Staff
First Match Goes To Molson Coors
INT. WRESTLING RING - NIGHT
United States President DONALD TRUMP and KIM JONG-UN, Supreme Leader of the Democratic People's Republic of Korea (Northern Branch) face each other clad only in sumo loincloths. Their legs are spread and their hands are on their hips.
ANNOUNCER: Here we are, folks, the final showdown between American President Donald Trump and North Korean President Kim Jong-Un. And, boy, is it going to be a doozy!
Trump lifts his right foot and slams it down on the canvas. SOUND: cheering.
ANNOUNCER: President Trump has made the first move, insisting that the US will not allow North Korea to develop nuclear weapons.
Kim lifts his right foot and slams it down on the canvas. SOUND: booing.
ANNOUNCER: President Kim responds with the classic, "It's a dangerous world and I have a right to defend my people any way I can," move. Let's see how the President -
Trump lifts his left foot and slams it down on the canvas. SOUND: cheering.
ANNOUNCER: Oh! What a move by the President! He essentially told the North Korean that this is a very different administration, and if he doesn't back off of his nuclear ambitions Kim Jong-Un should expect the United States to put an immediate and violent end to them. The President is not fooling ar -
Kim lifts his left foot and slams it down on the canvas. SOUND: booing.
ANNOUNCER: Oh! And, Kim is not backing down! Kim is not backing down! He has signalled that any aggression on the part of the United States will result in a rain of nuclear hellfire on American allies in the region. Looks like we've got a great match, here, folks! Looks like -
SOUND: bell. The two wrestlers abandon their aggressive postures and stand normally.
DONALD TRUMP: Okay. That's that, then. Wanna grab a beer?
KIM JONG-UN: You buying?
TRUMP: Don't I always?
Kim and Trump walk off the canvas together.
ANNOUNCER: (confused) What?
We Are Now Living In The Postmedia Satire Age
A third senior executive of Postmedia Network Canada is leaving the newspaper company, even though he was part of a group that had been awarded hundreds of thousands of dollars each in retention bonuses.
"Anybody who has a problem with this clearly does not understand how executive compensation works," stated Gordon Fisher, whose was given $200,000. "We are paid a bonus, and we retain it!"
SOURCE: The Financial Riposte
One Step Forward, Two Steps Back...From The Urinal
North Carolina has repealed and replaced a law that had restricted transgender bathroom use in public buildings. The new law will allow transgendered people will now be able to enter the bathroom of the gender they identify with rather than the one they were born into...they just will not be allowed to do anything in while in the bathroom.
Democratic Governor Roy Cooper tweeted, "Today we repealed HB2. It wasn't a perfect deal or my preferred solution, but an important first step for our state."
"This is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard of," complained transgender advocate Phyllida Squonch. "But, I can't comment just at the moment. I have to pee..."
SOURCE: The Postington Wash
Never Ascribe To Crack What Can Be Explained By A Drop On The Head
Devin Nunes, Chairman of the House Intelligence Committee, has said of some of its members that? "It appears like Democrats aren't very interested," in getting any committee work done. Democrats. They're the ones holding up the work of the committee. I repeat: Democrats.
Chairman Nunes, are you on crack? Alternatively, I might consider the possibility that you were dropped on your head as a child, but, honestly, crack seems the more likely explanation for your statement.
Did a Democrat get information from the White House, then hold a press conference the next day claiming the information supported a bogus claim by the White House, then took it to the White House as if it was news to them and held a second press conference to shore up the first even though it raised more questions than it answered? Did a Democrat use the ensuing chaos to cancel scheduled hearings and stonewall other committee members on what new information he claimed to have? Do you think Americans are idiots?
It was a rhetorical question, Mister Chairman.
Jeez, Louise - if the strings from the White House to Nunes' limbs glowed any brighter, they would have to be labelled hazardous nuclear waste!
SOURCE: Are You On Crack?
Muslim Cemetery Could Usher In Halal On Earth
Citizens of the small Quebec town of Saint-Apolliniare are vocally opposed to a Muslim cemetery planned for their area.
"What if there's a zombie apocalypse?" one person emailed Mayor Bernard Ouellet. "Will all of the Muslim zombies go after good, God-fearing Christian living folks first?"
"What if there is a zombie uprising?" another person, who assured the mayor that he knew nothing about the first letter writer, wrote. "Will the Muslim zombies go to war with Christian zombies? We must think about these things before we make a grave mistake!"
"Okay, first, there's no such thing as zombies," Mayor Oullet said in his first ever press conference. "Second, if there was such a thing, zombies do not have functioning brains, they are just slavering beasts with an unreasoning appetite for human flesh. So, I doubt very much that Muslim zombies would in any way be different from the zombies of any other religion. And, third, get a life!"
SOURCE: The Irrational