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Chapter 12
April 16, 2017

The Daily Me - Hyderabad Carpet Cleaners and Incense Recyclers, Inc.

Thank you, Hyderabad Carpet Cleaners and Incense Recyclers, Inc., for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. And, then, we read the New York Times article about Bill O'Reilly and Fox settling sexual harassment lawsuits for $13 million dollars. And, nothing complements a good case of schadenfreude better than making some pocket change out of another person's misfortune. Unfortunately, we weren't certain how best to do this.

Some of our staff members thought we should short Fox stock, since almost all of his sponsors pulled their advertising from The O'Reilly Factor after the news broke. Others thought we should buy Fox stock because there could soon be a Justice Department investigation of the millions of dollars paid out in settlements to victims of O'Reilly and Fox News head Roger Ailes; as it happens, those payments were hidden from shareholders. If fraud charges are laid, can lawsuits on behalf of investors be far behind?

Life is full of difficult choices...

The Daily Me Staff

Juno What Really Bugs Me About That "Joke?"

People who produce Canadian music awards shows definitely settle.

YOU WANT: the brilliance of Canadian musicians that is celebrated at the awards ceremonies to be given prominent play in all of the country's major media outlets (daily newspapers and network news and entertainment shows).

YOU'LL SETTLE FOR: Minor mentions of celebrities who attended the ceremonies in secondary media outlets (free weekly newspapers and specialty cable shows).

YOU'LL GET: Prominent play in all of the country's major media outlets...for a rape joke the host of the ceremonies made in his opening monologue.

SOURCE: The Amazing Chocolate Yummies Blog


JUSTIN TRUDEAU: Hey! - I Wasn't Mentioned In This Article On Syria! I Must Be Doing This Whole Foreign Policy Thing Right!

What we learned from the American bombing of a Syrian airfield.

Donald Trump: Hey! - we got away with it! And, my approval ratings went up! We're gonna have to do more of this!

Bashar al-Assad: Hey! - I gassed my own people and all the Americans did was bomb a single installation. They didn't cripple my ability to wage war on my own people in the least! If I want to, I can do more of this!

Kim Jong-Un: Hey! - this President guy is serious about attacking other countries! Okay, maybe he didn't do any serious, lasting damage, but even a madman can get lucky once in a while. I better get my nuclear arsenal working or I could be next!

Vlad Putin: Hey! - I didn't give the Americans permission to do this! If you let them do one thing on their own, they might try to have an independent foreign policy - nothing good can come from that! I must get a message to President Donald...

Okay, they were the wrong lessons. But, at least world leaders are learning...right?

SOURCE: Politics For Dummies


If You Say Things Like That About Him, You Must Have Really Hated The Guy!

Insult comedian Don Rickles has died at the age of 90 of kidney failure. By all accounts, he was a good husband and father, kind to his friends and generous to the comics who came after him.

What? Too soon?

SOURCE: Obits 'R Us


Talk About A Low Bar!
(No, Not The One Fans Congregate In To Watch Games!)

Toronto Maple Leaf fans celebrated the fact that they had six players on the ice for the opening faceoff of all of their games this season. As part of the celebrations, fans praised the fact that the team's players all had skates, sticks, pads and cups, and used them all the way they were intended.

And, oh, yeah, the Leafs made the playoffs this season.

SOURCE: The Schwartz Sports Report


Is There An Award For Best "Things Could Have Been Worse?"


Executive NED BURPMAN is talking to Advertising Creative SAM SCHMENDRICK.

NED BURPMAN: Sam, come in. Come in. Can I get you a Pepsi?

SAM SCHMENDRICK: Overpriced flavoured sugar water? I don't think so, no. Have any Perrier?

BURPMAN: Okay. Let's get to the reason I asked you here, then.

SCHMENDRICK: Is there a problem with the ad campaign I created for you?

BURPMAN: No. Not at all. I mean, not as far as I'm concerned. I thought it was an...umm, interesting use of...err...historical iconography. I won't kid you - I shed a tear...and a few pounds...

SCHMENDRICK: So, what am I doing here, then?

BURPMAN: Well, it's just that some people are...sensitive to certain images, and they may not appreciate seeing an Auschwitz prisoner handing a bottle of Pepsi to a guard.

SCHMENDRICK: It's the reconciliation of opposites, man. It's yin meeting yan. It's -

BURPMAN: It's a television ad featuring Nazi imagery to sell - what did you call it? Overpriced sugar water?

SCHMENDRICK: (defensive) You said you wanted something edgy.

BURPMAN: Ah, yes, well...

SCHMENDRICK: If this spot was any more edgy, it would be over the cliff and halfway to the ground!

BURPMAN: I agree. Unfortunately, the line between edgy and outright offensive was back at the top of the cliff.

SCHMENDRICK: (under his breath) Philistine! (aloud) Does this mean you won't run the spot?

BURPMAN: It wasn't my call. Upper management. You know -

SCHMENDRICK: Yeah, yeah, spare me how hard your life is. I had my Clio acceptance speech all polished and ready to go! Now, it's just so much origami fodder!

BURPMAN: I'm sorry.

SCHMENDRICK: The real tragedy here is that you've put a roadblock in my career advancement.

BURPMAN: Oh, well, I -

SCHMENDRICK: However, I am magnanimous, so I am willing to save you by offering you my other idea for the campaign.

BURPMAN: You had another idea?

SCHMENDRICK: Yeah. Picture, a line of police around a gathering of equality protesters.

BURPMAN: Police and protesters. Okay.

SCHMENDRICK: Things are getting a little tense. But, before a confrontation can happen, somebody gives one of the cops a bottle of your product. Smiles and happiness all around.

BURPMAN: Pepsi eases tensions between police and protesters?

SCHMENDRICK: Exactly. And, the best part is that it doesn't even have to be a protester who hands the product to the cop. Get a celebrity to do it!

BURPMAN: Yes. Yes! I think we can do this!

SOURCE: This 22 Minutes Feels Like An Hour


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If you came to Les Pages aux Folles curious about my writing thanks to science fiction or fan fiction, welcome! You can find the complete text of Alternate Reality Ain't What It Used To Be, +

Welcome Back My Friednishes To The Show That Never Ednishes

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