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Chapter 14
April 30, 2017

The Daily Me - amelia earhead

Thank you, amelia earhead, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. And, then, we learned that Bill O'Reilly will be leaving Fox News with shame over his horrible treatment of women and a payout of $25 million. Not only that, but over the years Fox has paid as much as $65 million in exit packages to men who were fired over sexual harassment allegations. How could hard-working journalistic stiffs like us not be envious? To be clear, we would never want to work at the moral cesspool of Fox News - we just want to be fired from it. In fact, we would be happy to leave Fox with a fraction of O'Reilly's settlement: how about ten cents on the dollar? It's a steal, right? Rupert, call us!

The Daily Me Staff

President Trump Is A Great Negotiator: Look At How Well He Negotiates With Himself!

We will build a wall and Mexico will pay for it.
We will build a wall and Mexico will pay for it...even though they insist they won't.
We will build a wall and Mexico will pay for it...eventually. You know...after we pay for it first.
We will build a wall and Mexico will be hit with economic sanctions if it doesn't pay for it.
We will build a wall...if the Democrats agree to pass the interim budget.
We will agree to let the Affordable Care Act stand if Democrats agree to fund the building of the wall in the interim budget.
YOU ARE HERE: Democrats are going to obstruct everything the President wants to accomplish, but if they do not accept the interim budget with funding for the wall, we will shut the government down.
As soon as we can figure out how to fund the government, we will build a wall!

SOURCE: Politics For Dummies


When The Oil Stops Flowing, The Rhetoric Starts

The Keystone pipeline suffered what TransCanada Corporation calls an "involuntary ground-level extraction." The "potential incident" was discovered by a "random volunteer quality assurance expert." This resulted in a "pro tem cessation of extraction and transportation processes."

Or, in plain English, the Keystone pipeline has been temporarily shut down because of a leak that was noticed by a passerby.

SOURCE: Earth Worst! Journal


Wow - Elections Really Do Change Things!

"On Nov. 8th, Americans will be voting for this 100-day plan to restore prosperity to our country, secure our communities and honesty to our government. This is my pledge to you. And if we follow these steps, we will once more have a government of, by and for the people. And importantly, we will make America great again. Believe me." - Donald Trump quote on the campaign trail

"No matter how much I accomplish during the ridiculous standard of the first 100 days, & it has been a lot (including S. C.), media will kill!" - President Donald Trump tweet 90 days into his administration

SOURCE: No Comment Quotes


Cop, A Plea

1 hell of a sad story) According to a CBC report, during a confrontation with police Somali-Canadian Abdirahman Abdi "lost vital signs." If he was really so concerned about his vital signs, where should he have looked for them? a) behind the couch in his living room
b) in Tahiti, a magical place
c) in the official fists that beat him to death

2 officers, only 1 charge) Constable Daniel Montsion was charged with manslaughter over the confrontation. Constable Dave Weir, who was also at the scene, was considered a "witness officer." What does that mean? a) he liked the Harrison Ford film
b) he is a good Christian man who wanted to attest to the power of Jesus in his life and the world
c) the Toronto police force has an official designation for an officer who does not intervene while another officer beats a man to death

SOURCE: Les Pages aux Folles


Freedom Caucus Is Not Free

The Republicans have started to say that the Democrats are going to obstruct everything that they want to do. The Democrats! The Republicans control the White House, both houses of congress and probably the Supreme Court. The Democrats are about as effective at obstructing anything as a kitten in a hurricane! Honestly, who would believe such nonsense?

Oh. Right. The party's Base.

Is it just me, or is it weird that the Republicans are recycling Democratic talking points? It's not like they've previously shown any concern for the environment!

SOURCE: Bill's Bitter Pills


Expect A Lawsuit From Paramount Any Day Now

SOURCE: T-dot ts


Jonathan Swift Shakes His Head Sadly And Wonders If It's Too Late To Pioneer A Different Genre Of Fiction

Lawyers for Alex Jones in his custody battle with his wife have argued that when he went on the air to deny their claims that his insane rants on Infowars were not sincere, but a form of satirical performance art, he wasn't being sincere, but engaging in satirical performance art.

Attorney Randall Wilhite stated: "I mean, he's performing the role of an insane man denying that he was performing the role of an insane man - could anything be more meta?"

Oddly enough, patrons of the Ping Pong Comet pizzeria didn't find his satire amusing.

SOURCE: Entertainment For Dummies


Scientists Need To Develop A Dimensional PortalTM To Go To The Alternate Reality Trump Inhabits

According to President Donald Trump, the March for Science that took place in Washington on Saturday was the smallest public protest in the history of ever. "Only 3 peeple show up for science rally - worse then sad! Very sad!!" he tweeted on Sunday morning.

"Thousands of people showed up for that protest!" protested rocket scientist Marina Glebini. "Can nothing penetrate the bubble of unreality in which this White House opera - oooh. Houston, I think we have a problem..."

SOURCE: Earth Worst! Journal


The NHL Broke A Few Of Its Toys In Front Of The IOC Just Because It Could

The International Olympic Committee is having a hissy fit because the National Hockey League refuses to share its toys with the sports organization.

"Well, well, well, you just be like that," the IOC huffed. "We don't need your stupid players, anyway. We can hold a great hockey tournament without your stupid superstars! You just watch us! We...we...we'll...why don't you love us any more!"

SOURCE: The Schwartz Sports Report


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