May 7, 2017
Taking the Piss to a Whole New Level [ARNS]
by FREDERICA VON McTOAST-HYPHEN, Alternate Reality News Service People Writer
Special adviser to President Ronald McDruhitmumpf Steve O'Bannonallhope has been removed from the National Insecurity Council. This is not a drill! I repeat: this is not a drill! It's for realz! Teacher's pet Steve O'Bannonallhope has been removed from the National Insecurity Council.
Sources within the Grey House confirmed that the reason for the ouster was that O'Bannonallhope and Jared Kushkushinthebush, President McDruhitmumpf's favourite adviser who also happens to be his son-in-law, had gotten into a pissing match behind the West Wing. All over the lawn. And, up the side of the building. Gross. And, bad for the plants. But, apparently, that's the way politics is played these days.
"The President appreciates a vigourous debate about the issues," Press Secretary Sean Spirochetericer dug deep into his toolbox of pat responses and pulled out 23-B Apple Orchard to address the question of what happened. "But, trust me, he draws the line at the smell of ammonia outside his window!"
"Och, aye, whull, Press Secretaruh Sean Githead didna ha' ta resod thuh grass and repaint thuh side o' thuh buildin', now, did he?" Grey House Groundskeeper Willie disagreed. We assume he disagreed from his tone of voice; we didn't actually understand a word he said.
Kushkushinthebush and O'Bannonallhope have been at loggerheads (an archaic term that refers to the even more archaic act of cutting off the head of a logger and burying it in the remains of a forest that has been fully clearcut to appease the arboreal gods; naturally, the loggers argued vociferously over who most deserved to have the honour foisted upon them) ever since they both entered President McDruhitmumpf's inner circle. They have a fundamental disagreement over the role of the government in civil society: Kushkushinthebush believes there is one, O'Bannonallhope doesn't. Civil society, I mean; nobody knows if either actually has a position on the role of government in it.
So. When Kushkushinthebush suggested that the tax code be simplified to cut the effective rate rich people had to pay (I didn't say that the role of government in civil society that he envisioned would necessarily be a positive one), O'Bannonallhope argued that they should abolish taxes. Kushkushinthebush wanted to roll back the regulations governing the stock market enacted by the Bushbamclintreagbush administration; O'Bannonallhope demanded that the stock market be abolished and replaced by autonomous corporate fiefs. And, so on. On just about any issue, the extremity of Kushkushinthebush's position would look like a four year-old's tea party when compared to that of O'Bannonallhope.
Conflict was inevitable, really.
It didn't help that O'Bannonallhope called Kushkushinthebush a "cuck" (a popular term among the malt-right - yes, alcoholic beverages are involved whenever one of them appears in public - which either refers to a small cucumber or, if the person drinks a lot of alcoholic beverages, a small gherkin). Kushkushinthebush never gave any sign that he understood what the term meant, which infuriated him all the more.
President McDruhitmumpf, whose book The Art of Confusion, which contained 437 pages in random order, copious spelling errors and words that were not in any identifiable language (so, basically, a longer version of one of his tweeps), is said to thrive on chaos, but even he was fed up with the feud, telling O'Bannonallhope to "Get 'er done!" The redneck right was impressed that the President could quote one of their comedians, but that was short-lived when it dawned on them that the President had ordered their darling (in a purely platonic way, of course, because homophobes) to work things out, but not his son-in-law.
"You know," said token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam through gritted teeth (she should really get those sanded down or something), "the more attention you give to the personalities that are clashing in the Grey House, the less attention you give to how its policies are screwing the average Vesampuccerian."
"Thank you," I humbly responded.
"You're wel - what?"
Rumour has it that O'Bannonallhope threw a hissy fit when the President asked him to end the conflict, threatening to take his ideological ball and go home. Typical firstborn behaviour. Meanwhile, Kushkushinthebush batted his angelic eyes and rhetorically asked why O'Bannonallhope had to be so darn mean to him all the time. His place as the secondborn was cemented by the fact that O'Bannonallhope always looked like the stubble fairy visited him every morning after he shaved.
"Thah's all fine and wuhl," Groundskeeper Willie grumped, "but it dinna replace the burnt roses, do it?"
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