May 7, 2017
McDruhitmumpf First [ARNS]
by GIDEON GINRACHMANJINJa-VITUS, Alternate Reality News Service Economics Writer
President Ronald McDruhitmumpf hosted a state dinner/slumber party for China's President Xilijianghu Jinping and a dozen of his BFFs at the Rama-Lama-Largo resort, which President McDruhitmumpf happens to own. The buffalo steaks ("Vespuccianian game is never gamey") served at dinner were branded McDruhitmumpf Subprime. Although some of President Xilijianghu BFFs travelled with him on a private jet, some flew on Vesampuccerian Airlines ("We won't remove you from your flight unless you absolutely deserve it!"), which is not owned by President McDruhitmumpf, although Precambrian Arondissement, Ltd., a shell company in which President McDruhitmumpf is believed to own a controlling interest, is believed to own a controlling interest.
"He's a living, breathing conflict of interest!" token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam cried out in anguish (and her sleep). We only know this because her common-law partner Arnie Bamshitshotshutshe told us the next day after he explained why he refused to let her come to the phone to answer our questions.
President McDruhitmumpf is believed to have a financial stake in 1,327 companies, shell companies, shell of their former selves companies, holding companies, hand holding companies, hey man are you holding companies and baby's arm holding an apple companies. How many of them do business with the Vesampuccerian government is unknown because, breaking with an ancient tradition that started 40 years ago, he refuses to make his tax returns public.
President McDruhitmumpf's position on releasing his tax returns has changed over the past year. A lot. On the campaign trail, he said, "Of course I will make my tax returns public - it's an ancient tradition started 40 years ago!" and, "I will definitely make my tax returns public - if it was good enough for Nixon, it's good enough for me!" and, "Why are you being such a nudge? I said I was going to make my tax returns public, and I'm going to make my tax returns public. Any day now. Soon. Just watch me! And, it will be the greatest making tax returns public this country has ever seen!"
After he was elected, the President changed his tune (to one with a different beat that's harder to dance to). "I can't release my tax returns to the public because they're currently under audit," he said, and, "I can't release my tax returns because they're currently evidence in an FBI investigation," and, "You'll see my tax returns when you pry them from my accountant's cold, dead fingers!"
Hymie Abramovicci, one of President McDruhitmumpf's accountants, yelped.
Conflict of interest may not be the only interesting thing about the President's tax returns. Many of the sub-sub-sub-sub-sub-contractors (they have bargain basement prices) of Trump businesses have long been rumoured to be foreign companies. This could be very embarrassing to a President who campaigned on the promise of buying Vesampucceri first.
Dumbopratic Senate minority leader Chuckie Schumaihargowmer grinned. Abramovicci groaned.
To...encourage the President to release his tax returns, tens of thousands of ordinary Vesampuccerians with time on their hands took to the streets on the day most citizens are thinking of their own tax returns: February 14. They carried signs with terrible puns on the word "tax," chanted slogans with improbable rhymes and demanded to see President McDruhitmumpf's tax information.
"We don't really believe that our protests will force the President to release his tax returns," allowed protestor Skip "Stanley" Roeyerhotbotdownes, of no fixed Illinois. "But we're here because...umm...you know...we truly believe...err...actually, what are we doing here?"
In response, President McDruhitmumpf tweeped at 2:37 in the morning: "I won the erection. Nobodee cares about my tax returnns!!!" The next day, he reportedly screamed at aide Steve O'Bannonallhope, "The timing made me look like a complete loser! Why didn't you stop me from sending that tweep?!"
Abramovicci checked to see if his will was up to date and vowed to spend more time with his family.
At the state dinner, first daughter Krystalle McDruhitmumpf whacked Chinese Ambassador QiQingKaiQingQi Pam with her purse. She's not very big, being only seven years old, but she still managed to knock QiQingKaiQingQi out of his chair. In the subsequent press feeding frenzy, Krystalle McDruhitmumpf claimed that the Ambassador had whispered to her that if she went back to his room with him, he would show her how the Chinese had invented fireworks, a claim the Ambassador vigourously denies. Well, as vigourously as an 87 year-old man can deny anything.
Significantly (not sigintally, although perhaps it has something to do with the FBI investigation), the purse the first daughter used was prominently displayed in all of the press coverage of the incident (almost as if somebody had calculated the exact angle needed to hit the Ambassador that would give the bag the most prominence). It was a white tote (named after the late, great Totie Fields) with purple accents and a gold handle that came from the first daughter's personal line and retails for $4,099.
"Of course, because she created an international incident, we had to ground Krystalle for three days," the President remarked in a press conference. Then, choking back an imaginary tear, he added, "But, can you believe her business sense? I couldn't be more proud!"
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