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Chapter 15
May 7, 2017

The Daily Me - Inammorata Honshu

Thank you, Inammorata Honshu, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. And, then, we heard about the Starbucks coffeemaker (oh, please! - the term "barista" is for tourists) who complained that making a Unicorn Frappuccino was too hard and too messy. And, we thought, "Starbucks makes Unicorns? How are we supposed to teach our girls that unicorns are rare and magical creatures when they can buy one on any street corner (every other street corner in the suburbs)‽

The Daily Me Staff

Conservatives Considering Giving Cabinet Minister The Nickname "Lucy"

Liberal Defence Minister Harjit Sajjan has had to apologize for claiming that he was an "architect" of a decisive battle of World War II.

"If I could quote General Macarthur," Sajjan stated, "he said I was the architect of the DDay invasion, one of the biggest military operations since the Trojan War!"

Critics of the Liberals have pointed out that Sajjan wasn't alive when WWII was waged. "When Parliament returns on Monday," Manitoba Conservative MP James Bezan commented, "the Minister's got some 'splainin' to do!"

SOURCE: The Irrational


Something Wild Has Been Tamed

Movie director Jonathan Demme has died from complications from esophageal cancer. He was 73 years old.

The wold has stopped making sense.

SOURCE: Obits 'R Us


A Monument To Deplorableness

Usually, the basket of deplorables is populated by individuals. Sometimes, however, the deplorable is spread among a lot of people. Fortunately, the basket has group rates to accommodate such situations.

This is the case in New Orleans, where an 1891 obelisk called The Liberty Place Monument had to be removed in the dead of night by workers wearing bullet-proof vests because death threats had been made against anybody who touched it. The monument celebrated the Crescent City White League, which violently protested the integration of the city's police force, resulting in 35 deaths.

63-year-old Civil War re-enactor Robert Bonner may have been the one who made the argument that you don't have to be a racist to celebrate racist events in American history, but he was speaking for all of the citizens (as long as they were older, white and male) of the majority black town.

While celebrating their heritage, those who opposed removal of the monument might want to keep something in mind: you lost! Monuments to the south during and after the Civil War are monuments to losers! Looooooo-sers! If you want to keep the memory of losing alive, that's your prerogative (I find it a strange thing to celebrate, but I don't live in the basket of deplorables, I just visit from time to time to report on its denizens), but the world has moved on. You might want to consider joining it.

SOURCE: Karl's Big Red Web Page of Unreconstructed Marxism


At Least The Price Is Right

HOUSE FOR SALE: Three bedroom semi-detached house in booming community in East Jerusalem. Having own weapons a must. Jewish religious fanaticism a plus. Flexible payment plan for those with flexible morals. For more information, contact: Yoav Galant, Housing Minister for the state of Israel.

SOURCE: The Arad Post


Hmm...Where Have I Heard THAT Before?

A new book on the Harvard Business School, The Golden Passport by Duff McDonald, makes the claim that the institution has abandoned any pretense of teaching students how to critically analyze financial systems, including capitalism. McDonald argues that HBS (which he does not argue stands for High BS, although that does seem implied) has become a mere conduit for graduates who put their own financial wellbeing ahead of any other considerations, something that fuels income inequality.

"We didn't create human greed," the school responded. "Can we help it if it gives our professors job security?"

SOURCE: Women's Wear Daily Worker


Oh, Get A Room!
...Preferably Not In The West Wing

Fresh from winning a disputed referendum that gave him increased powers, the Turkish government of Reycep Erdogan has fired 4,000 public officials, blocked access to Wikipedia and banned television matchmaking shows.

The American response was swift and decisive. "He's so dreamy," mooned American President Donald Trump. "Do you think if I gave him a call, he would talk to me? I...I shouldn't. I know it would be naughty of me. And, wrong. Very wrong. But, there's just something about him!"

SOURCE: USA Whenever


Won't Anybody Think Of The Children...Of The CEO?!

Ontario's plan for offering citizens a minimum guaranteed income is not without its critics.

"The government can't just...just...just give people money! That would be a disincentive for them to work," claimed Frazier Institute literary agronomist Minnie Mimosa. "People need to be highly motivated to take part-time jobs that don't cover their basic human needs. If they aren't, how are business executives going to earn their bonuses for slashing wage expenses? Come on, people! This is Econ 101!"

SOURCE: The Financial Riposte


He Did Enjoy The Wine, Though, Thank You Very Much...

A year ago, I wrote that criticism only makes President Donald Trump stronger, that if those opposed to his regime wanted to be effective, they would have to make nice to him. I suggested a bouquet of roses and a pleasant wine - I generously allowed that it didn't have to be anything expensive; I appreciate the fact that many activists have meagre resources - would be a good place to start.

The result? In the past year, Trump has signed executive orders that undermine press freedoms, criminalize many forms of protest and strengthen his executive powers. Apparently, he saw his opponents cozying up to him as proof that he was on the right course, which gave him licence to do whatever he wanted. That would appear to be the opposite of what the opponents of the President desired.

Let me explain why my op-ed piece last year wasn't wrong...

SOURCE: Toronto Startle


If You Let Them Take Your Names, They'll Come For Your Gerflozznost Pies Next!

The Chinese government, intent on tightening its grip on aliens from the planet Zazzfrox, has prohibited parents from choosing names such as Balltrog, Gringlezort and Fletzz for their children.

Officials described the ban as part of an effort to "ban alien fervour for their own culture" in the region of Xinjiang, home to more than 10 million aliens, mostly Zazzfroxians.

"No worries!" responded Zazzfroxian community leader Bellafroxxate Zimpf. "Our language has 2,376 syllables - there are plenty of names where those came from!"

SOURCE: Alternate Reality News Service


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