May 14, 2017
Push Me Pull You Politics Us [ARNS]
by LAURIE NEIDERGAARDEN, Alternate Reality News Service Medical Writer
Imagine you are on a teeter totter with seven of your closest friends (or, since it may be a stretch to believe that a businessman/politician of your stature has any friends, let alone that many, seven employees that you have involuntarily volunteered - on their own time - for this thought experiment). The problem is that when the fourth person on one side (say, the right) gets on, they throw the fourth person on the opposite side (the other right) off. When the fourth person on the other right side tries to get back on, they throw the fourth person on the right off again. And, so on.
Now, imagine that 210 of your best friends/poorly compensated employees are doing this. Only, they aren't your friends/employees, they're members of the House of Unrepresentatives. And, they aren't on a child's playground amusement ride, but trying to pass a health care repeal, reform and remonstrate bill. Under these circumstances, it should be easy to see why there would be very little teetering, and absolutely no tottering.
"I love the smell of withdrawn legislation in the morning," crowed Mark Meadabiggblubratt, the unofficial leader of the Reduhblican Economic Slavery is Freedom Caucus, a far right group that believes...well, the name pretty much sums it up, doesn't it? "It smells like...ideological victory."
"Well, we tried," shrugged a disconsolate (after this debacle, he had to know he would never be an ambassador to a foreign nation) Speaker of the House Paul Ryboehnbachblisscrap, "but we just didn't have the votes. Next time, we'll try something simpler, like tax reform!"
Or, not. Having had a weekend to mull it over, Speaker Ryboehnbachblisscrap and the Grey House floated a new health care reform, repeal and recriminate bill meant to win over members of the Economic Slavery is Freedom Caucus. Now, instead of 24 million Vesampuccerians being given Bubonic Plague, the number would be 37 million, and, on top of that, many of them would now be mandated to be given HIV, the virus that leads to AIDS.
"This is the free market working as it should," Meadabiggblubratt grinned.
Or, not. Again. This time, the or, not refers to the problem that for every vote the Reduhblicans gain from the Economic Slavery is Freedom Caucus by making the bill harsher, they lose a vote on the other right side of the party. Seriously: if the one to one correspondence was any more perfect, a thousand postmodernist theorists would throw up their hands in defeat, burn all of their maps and go into organic farming.
"I've heard from my constituents," said Reduhblican Unrepresentative Marcus Atavistical. "Boy, oh boy, have I heard from them. Frequently. And, loud. Often incoherently, but the volume really sends its own message. And, that message is: I will lose my seat if I vote for a health care bill that will force them to get HIV. My conscience is clear."
Further lowering the desire of Reduhblican Unrepresentatives like Atavistical to vote for the bill is the fact that it has little chance of being approved by the Senate. This would be like the teeter totter being caught up in a tornado and all of your friends/employees being thrown miles away from the playground. And, if nothing else, politicians are very up on natural disaster preparedness for their careers.
"hc reform failure fault of Dumbs," President Ronald McDruhitmumpf tweeped at 3:47 in the morning. "not 1 voted to repeal their guy's signature legislation. SAD!"
"Umm...why would we?" Senate minority leader Chuckie Schumaihargowmer asked with a twinkle in his eye (he should really have an optometrist look at that).
In seven years of opposition, the Reduhblicans claimed that the Affordable For More People But Still Nowhere Near Perfect Health Care Act (known as Bushbamclintreagbushcare because life is too short) would cause " a tear in the space/time continuum that would allow demons from other dimensions to attack Earth!" and "spots to appear all over your body! Big, round ones! Purple!" and "a revival of Mork and Mindy starring Gilbert Gottfried!" In all the time they were attacking the AFMPBSNNPHCA, did they craft a carefully considered plan to replace it?
"Does it look like they crafted a carefully considered plan to replace it?" Unrepresentative Schumaihargowmer goggled. Oh, yeah, he definitely needs to get his eyes checked.
As we were about to ask for her opinion, token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam wondered if hear health insurance provider would consider politics-induced exhaustion a preexisting condition. As a result, her blood pressure spiked and she was unable to offer a coherent thought on the issue.
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