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Chapter 16
May 14, 2017

The Daily Me - Bagnold T. Rosato

Thank you, Bagnold T. Rosato, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. And, then, we used a public washroom. What can we say? - desperate times call for desperate measures. The toilets have built-in sensors that cause them to flush automatically when you get off the seat (on the not completely absurd assumption that people are too lazy to flush toilets themselves - oh, yeah, we've seen Trainspotting). Unfortunately, something had gone wrong with the sensors, and the toilet flushed when we sat down rather than when we got up. Automatic flushing technology has turned public toilets into involuntary bidets!

And, we wondered: Is this how Skynet begins - not with a bang, but with a wet bum?

The Daily Me Staff

Atlas Shrugged Reduced To A Single Sentence - Why Couldn't You Have Said This When I Was In My Twenties? You Would Have Saved Me Hours Of Exposure To The Most Leaden Prose In Literature!

You don't need to learn a secret handshake to get into the basket of deplorables. You don't have to wear a pin with the image of a bear mauling a small child. You don't have to pay any fees, charges, taxes or gratuities. You just have to be willing to say the first heartlessly awful thing that pops into your head in public.

Joe "I'm not the Eagles guitarist and singer, for which we are both grateful" Walsh has done it so often he will never be able to completely get the straw out of his ass crack. Not when he keeps adding to it with gems like this.

Kimmel, for the contextually challenged among you, talked on his late night show about the difficult birth of his son, and how only severe medical intervention saved his life, and how he could afford it but many parents couldn't (which was why access to affordable health insurance was such an important thing), and how devastating it would be if you had to watch a child die because you didn't have the financial resources to save him, and cried. Only a heartless bastard would fail to be moved by such a heartfelt display.

Feel free to draw your own conclusions. The basket of deplorables has drawn its.

SOURCE: Karl's Big Red Web Page of Unreconstructed Marxism


They're A Comedy Coal Mine

I don't want to say that the Toronto Transit Commission's subways are polluted, but even canaries refuse to work in them!



I Would Make A Food Joke Here, But Then I Would Felafel

A tourist was arrested in Tel Aviv last night for complaining that his food was unsatisfactory.

Mark "Don't Put Me in the Soup" Mandelbroit spent five hours in jail after he was overheard saying, "This is the worst falafel I have ever had! The pita was like cardboard and the chickpea balls were like rocks! I swear, you could build a settlement house out of these things!"

Opponents of the government of Benjamin Netanyahu suggested that the incident was the clearest indication yet that it was unable to take criticism.

SOURCE: The Arad Post


Then I Take A Tums For My Tummy And A Sledgehammer To My Conscience, And I'm Fine

"It makes me mildly nauseous to think we might have had some impact on the election." - FBI Director James Comey testifies before Congress on the subject of disclosing news of the investigation into Hillary Clinton's emails days before the election while saying nothing about the investigation into the Trump campaign's connections to Russia

SOURCE: No Comment Quotes


Rovinescu, The Outrage

Calin Rovinescu, Chief Executive of Air Canada, says that his company expects the Trudeau government's air passenger bill of rights to be "sensible. All in all, we expect to have a reasonable, and measured dynamic, which should not materially impact our operation."

So, he would allow that the law would be reasonable if it banned taking passengers off planes kicking, screaming and bloodied so that employees can have their newly vacated seats?

"Steady on," Rovinescu responded. "I thought I made it clear that we wanted the government to be reasonable!"

SOURCE: The Financial Riposte


The Wolf Isn't At The Door, But It Is Down The Street And Heading In This Direction...

Emmanuel Macron, a centrish candidate, handily won the run-off election for President of France despite the fact that hackers linked to the Russian government leaked documents that had been stolen from his campaign and edited to make him look bad just a day and a half before a news blackout, giving him little chance to counteract them before the election. This leaves the Russian government with one win and one loss in major league election influencing.

With a shrug, Russian President Vladimir Putin stated, "Eh. You win some, you lose some. Fortunately for me, the season is just starting..."

SOURCE: The Smarmian


Lullaby The Way...

A Special Clinton Lullaby

Hush little baby,
Haven't you heard?
If you're were born a girl
You dare not say a word.
It may not be right,
It may not be fair,
But if you are a woman
The men won't care.

Hush little baby,
Don't make a sound.
So what if Russian hackers
Drove your poll numbers down?
To your endless whining
You must put a halt -
Losing the election
Was your own fault!

Hush little baby,
Don't make a peep.
The FBI director
Had the status quo to keep.
He may have outed you
While keeping Trump up on the shelf,
But when it comes to losing,
You have to blame yourself.
Hush little baby,
Don't you cry,
I'll tell you what to say,
And leave you to figure why...

SOURCE: Poetry, Cornered


And His Friends
And People Who Aren't Really Paying Attention
And Any Alien Who Might Be Passing By...

Disgraced newspaper tycoon Voldemort has gone on record as saying that American President Pinhead is "not a bad guy for a demon."

"We're not dealing with a monster, here," Voldemort told a parliamentary committee on Canada's foreign policy as it pertains to the United States. "We're dealing with a reasonable person. Okay, one who enjoys torturing other people, but, in his defense, it's a tough world and Pinnie needs to keep his opponents guessing about what his true intentions are!"

SOURCE: Canadian Depress


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