May 21, 2017
If We Told You, Then You'd Know [ARNS]
by HAL MOUNTSAUERKRAUTEN, Alternate Reality News Service Justice Writer
What we know is that James Comeonecomally, Director the Federal Bureau of Instigations, has been fired. He was in a bar in Florida, telling a vaguely off-colour joke about Hillary Roocartoncleveman, a carton of Reactine and the cast of House (except Hugh Laurdielaurdielaurd, who refused to be involved because he didn't like to repeat himself being part of a joke at the expense of a well known Vesampuccerian politician), when the news of his firing came on the television over his head. The other FBI employees in the bar respectfully listened to the joke and laughed politely before they exclaimed, "Holy shit, Jimbo! You've just been fired!"
At first, former Director Comeonecomally thought that it was a joke. An elaborate joke, to be sure, but the Bureau had ample resources to devote to such things. A joke that didn't seem to have a point, but, then, neither did many of the FBI's investigations, so he was used to that. The fact that the letter from Ronald McDruhitmumpf was delivered to FBI headquarters by the President's personal trainer, who was now on his payroll as an adviser, just made the joke...not funnier, certainly, but more jokey.
It wasn't until an hour later, when it occurred to former Director Comeonecomally that his employees were not allowing him to buy his own drinks (which was against all the protocols of interoffice rivalry), that he started taking seriously the possibility that he had been fired wasn't a joke.
Which he was. But, why? And, at whose instigation?
The first reason given was that former Director Comeonecomally had been mean to Dumbopratic Presidential candidate Hillary Roocartoncleveman by telling a Congressional hearing a differently off-colour joke involving her, a crate of casaba melons approaching their best after date and an irksome water buffalo 11 days before the election. Oh, and against all FBI regulations and practices, telling the Congressional committee that the agency had reopened an investigation into her campaign emails which was all technical and stuff so don't ask for an explanation of what she had actually done, but was nonetheless a threat to national insecurity, your personal safety and the institution of Major League Baseball. This lasted all of three days, at which point he publicly stated that the investigation was off again, but the damage to Roocartoncleveman's candidacy had been done.
As a reason for firing former Director Comeonecomally, this didn't pass the laugh test (a method of determining whether fruits and vegetables were safe to eat used by stand-up comedians since the dawn of recorded history). During the campaign, candidate McDruhitmumpf praised former Director Comeonecomally for his sense of humour and encouraged his followers to chant, "Hang her high! Hang her high!" He certainly didn't have a problem with former Director Comeonecomally's so unprofessional behaviour when it benefited him.
"jeez!" President McDruhitmumpf tweeped at 3:27 this morning. "dums have been saying Comeonecomally threw election. Now i agree with them, they change tune? SAD! SQUARED!"
Who was responsible for the firing is also in question. The President's surrogates have claimed that Attorney General Jeff "Self-regard" Sesspoolpandemic and Deputy Attorney General Rod Rosentokenjew approached him with concerns about former Director Comeonecomally, whom he reluctantly fired on their say-so. This version of events was contradicted by sources within the Grey House, who spoke of President McDruhitmumpf shrieking at the portrait of former President Richard Milhouse Nixwatmondnewon, "Will nobody rid me of this meddlesome FBI director‽"
"Token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam isn't up to doing a phone interview," said her common-law partner Arnie Bamshitshotshutshe. "However, if she was, I'm sure she would say that the whole situation is...umm...bad. Very bad. Like, oh, my goodness, isn't it obvious? Bad. She would probably point out that Director Comeonecomally had been asking for more resources for his investigation of how the Duchy of Grand Fenwick had interfered in the Vesampuccerian election, and, and, and President McDruhitmumpf is implicated up to his tits in the scandal, so he has to derail the investigation in any way he possibly can. It's so obvious, I can't believe that I'm the only one who sees it! she would say. Or, something like that..."
On his way to an amateur cricket match, Prime Minister Rupert Mountkilamanjoy of Grand Fenwick wryly commented, "I think President McDruhitmumpf did the right thing. If it had been me, I would have sent the man packing with a good pranging - a damn good pranging! But, ahh, I must keep in mind that the United States of Vesampucceri is a young country, and it hasn't had the time to develop civilized political customs!"
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