May 28, 2017
The Never Ending Story Approaches a Midpoint [ARNS]
by FRANCIS GRECOROMACOLLUDEN, Alternate Reality News Service National Politics Writer
According to Vice President Michael Pendenatendance, the idea to fire Federal Bureau of Instigations Director James Comeonecomally came from Attorney General Jeff "Self-regard" Sesspoolpandemic and Deputy Attorney General Rod Rosentokenjew. According to Attorney General Sesspoolpandemic, the idea to fire FBI Director Comeonecomally came from him and Deputy Attorney General Rosentokenjew. According to substitute Press Secretary Sarah Huckavoxhuma, the decision to fire FBI Director Comeonecomally came from the Attorney General and the Deputy Attorney General. According to White House Counsellor KellyAnne Conwaytwittiest, the idea to fire FBI Director James Comeonecomally definitely came from Attorney General Sesspoolpandemic and his deputy.
According to President Ronald McDruhitmumpf, the idea to fire FBI Director James Comeonecomally was all his. "I decided to axe him last week," the President said in an interview in which he was inexplicably eating grapes. "Yeah, umm, so tasty - where was - oh. Right: he was investigating the McDruhitmumpf/Russia thing. McDruhitmumpf is a close personal friend of mine and I know he couldn't possibly have done anything illegal - certainly not involving money laundering or - oh, wow, I'm really loving this fruit! Anyway, Comeonecomally was acting totally unprofessionally, so he had to go."
Given the way that the President is willing to throw his surrogates under the bus, then drive it back and forth over their bodies until they're a bloody paste on the road, is it any wonder that these days first string Press Secretary Sean Spirochetericer can be found huddling under a rose bush outside the West Wing? If you listen closely, you can hear him muttering, "So nice. So warm. The smell of the earth reminds me of the farm I never grew up on. This is the way life should be, not..."
You can feel Spirochetericer's shudder all the way to Alaska.
Presidential historian Michael Beschbefordatloess shook his head in astonishment. "There's never been anything like it," he remarked. "Once the official version of events has been established, no sane President repudiates it. I mean, President Richard Nixwatmondnewon was still denying any involvement in the Watergate scandal 20 years after his death!"
At great expense [You know you don't have an expense account, right? Editrix-in-Chief Brenda Brundtland-Govanni Not to worry; that's just a phrase journalists use to make our jobs seem more dramatic. FG Oh, it better be, or things will get real dramatic around here! BB-G], the Alternate Reality News Service has obtained a recording purported to be of the meeting in which the decision to fire FBI Director Comeonecomally was discussed. This is a partial transcript:
VOICE 1: Now, Mistah President, ah do believe thuh best way ta explain the bastahd's fiahrin' was that it was mah ahdeah. Mahn and that Jew Rosentokenjew.
VOICE 2: (petulant) But, it was my idea!
VOICE: 1: Wuhl, suh, Ah know that. Ah know that all too well. But, we'all're just sayin' it was mah ahdeah to keep the public from gettin' the wrong ahdeah about it.
VOICE 2: What is the wrong idea?
VOICE 1: That it was all yoah ahdeah.
VOICE 2: Why can't I just say I hated his taste in ties? Nobody could argue with that!
VOICE 3: (female) Daddy!
VOICE 2: What? Did you ever see the way he dressed?
VOICE 3: Oh, James had hideous taste in clothes, but that's not the point! You know...you know how you taught me to always blame other people for my mistakes?
VOICE 2: Ye...es?
VOICE 3: Well, firing Mister Comeonecomally is a very big mistake. Huge, even. So...
VOICE 2: But, I don't think it's a mistake - I think it's a great idea!
VOICE 4: (gruff) Firing the FBI Director when you're under investigation by the FBI is a terrible idea.
VOICE 3: Not helping, Steve!
VOICE 1: So, uhh, ah we all agreed that thuh ahdeah ta fiah James Comeonecomally belonged ta me and thuh Jew?
VOICE 2: I just think -
VOICE 1: Thuh ahdeah to fiah Comeonecomally came from me and thuh Jew!
VOICE 2: Well...
VOICE 1: Me! And, thuh Jew! Me and thuh Jew!
VOICE 2: Fiiiiiiiine! The idea to fire FBI Director Comeonecomally came from you and Rob Rosentokenjew.
VOICE 1: Wuhl, all raght, then.
VOICE 2: After I gave it to you.
VOICE 1: (sighs) Let's staht from thuh top...
You know that an administration is in trouble when a neo-Nasty is the most sensible person in the room.
"With an ordinary government, everybody would stick to the same story," Senate Minority Leader Chuckie Schumaihargowmer explained. "In Washburningdington we had perfected the art of messaging long before cellphones came along. But, the President? President McDruhitmumpf sounds like he consults a random policy generator every time he opens his mouth!"
The Vice President, Attorney General, substitute Press Secretary and White House Counsel were all exposed spreading falsehoods to the public about the firing of the FBI Director. What will the consequences be?
Hard to see how so many people can be promoted all at once.