May 28, 2017
What the Heck Do You Know? Can't Believe It's Spring Already!
1) Donald Trump called the media "the enemy of the American people." Where did he get this phrase?
a) the Roman senate, who accused Nero of being an enemy of the American people
b) Henrik Ibsen's 1882 play An Enemy of the American People
c) Nazi Germany, where people like Propaganda Minister Joseph Goebbels used to say things like, "Every Jew is a sworn enemy of the German-American people."
d) other enemy of the American people
2) On the campaign trail, Donald Trump claimed that the real rate of unemployment was between 35 and 49 per cent of the work force. As President, he now accepts that it is 4.7 per cent. How do his supporters account for this difference?
a) he found three million jobs hiding under his desk the first time he stepped foot in the Oval Office, and he decided to set them free
b) he has been busy in his first 100 days in office making American math great again
c) difference? What difference? The President is ever and always consistent in everything he says, even when he contradicts himself!
3) Is it better to be inept or inert?
a) inertness smothers ineptness
b) ineptness breaks through inertness
c) it depends upon the ratio of ept to ert in a country, and we just don't have recent enough data to make an informed decision...so, I'm going to say inept
4) Warner Brothers has announced that it plans on updating The Matrix. How does it plan on doing this?
a) Neo's name will be changed to Middle-Agedo
b) more exclamation marks will be added to the screenplay
c) the new film will be shot in 4-D so that you can actually smell the rotting world of the future (the studio didn't say the new film would actually be more worth seeing than the original...)
5) Who is Karim Baratov?
a) the villain in Rocky Bullwinkle and Rocky cartoons
b) an internationally renowned baritone who only plays villains in operas
c) I have no idea, but I can tell you this: he has nothing to do with President Trump, and anybody who says otherwise is a lying, fake news scumbag!
6) What is a sapiosexual?
a) somebody who insists their sexual partner has a pulse
b) somebody who, in response to agreeing to having sex, saps the life right out of you
c) he has no idea what it is, but Vice President Mike Pence is firmly against it
7) How much of Syria's air force did the United States destroy when it bombed a base believed to store chemical weapons?
a) 20 planes
b) 20 per cent of the Syrian air force's operational capability
c) 20 per cent of the Syrian air force
d) all of the above (depending upon who is telling the story and when)
8) What is a MOAB?
a) a Massive Ordnance Air Blast
b) the Mother of All Bombs
c) a Biblical city where people frequently get confused with washpots
9) Does a one night stand count as cheating?
a) not if it's a mic stand
b) yes, if it's a moral stand
c) you know, the world would be a better place if some people resigned themselves to living alone...
10) In an interview on the day before his 100th day in office (which would make it...let me see...carry the three...his...let's say...okay, I've never been very good with math, so let's just round it up to his 100th day in office), President Trump said, "I enjoyed my previous life. I thought I would be a..." What did he think he would be as President?
c) beloved figure whose leadership would be celebrated in song, story and interpretive dance
11) Those who voted for Donald Trump continue to support him by a margin of five to one. How can we explain this?
a) stubborn bastards
b) stupid bastards
c) stupid, stubborn bastards
d) yeah, sure, he was hell-bent on taking away their health care, but the silver lining is that he was too incompetent to actually follow through on the threat, and they gotta love him for that
12) The Pope has announced that he won't be preaching when he meets with Donald Trump. What is the reason?
a) he's talked and talked and talked until his throat was raw, and he needs his voice to deal with the Vatican Bank
b) it's a tenet of Pope Francis' faith that he never take advantage of dumb animals
c) he doesn't want to get into a tweet war with Trump that nobody can win
13) Kylo, the name of the villain in the new Star Wars trilogy, was in the top 1,000 names for boys in 2016. Why would anybody name their child after the man who murdered Han Solo?
a) some people thought Darth Vader got a bad rap
b) they thought the name would be a commentary on the United States not adopting the metric system
c) who can truly understand Republicans?
14) Who can truly understand Republicans?
a) other Republicans
b) more Republicans
15) Oh, should there have been a spoiler alert warning on question 13?
a) oh, please! It's been out for two years - how many sequels have to be released before you know everything about it‽
b) oh, please! Anybody who considers themselves a serious fan saw the film three times the day it was released! You've probably already spent hours arguing online about the significance of the bandage on the back of Harrison Ford's neck! There's nothing anybody could write at this point that could spoil the movie for anybody who actually cares about it!
c) I suppose you'd cry spoiler if I said that Darth Vader was Luke's father
c) I are a bad, bad person
16) A man has changed his name from Isidore Heath Campbell to Isidore Heath Hitler. How can he expect this to help him retain custody of his four children?
a) the court could rule that he has already done the craziest thing it was possible for him to do, and now he will be a model citizen
b) the court could rule that, having already named his children after Nazis and white nationalists, there is nothing worse he could do to them
c) you expect me to be able to make sense of the actions of somebody who changes his name to Isidore Heath Hitler? Seriously?
17) A 2013 Kansas law expanding gun ownership insanity by allowing concealed weapons in state and municipal buildings gave a four year exemption to public colleges and hospitals. What is the main advantage for colleges of allowing the exemption to expire?
a) it should help alleviate crowding in the state's schools by encouraging students to go to schools in other states
b) it should help alleviate crowding in the state's schools by eliminating many students
c) it will definitely be a learning experience for anybody lucky enough to survive
18) A 2013 Kansas law expanding gun ownership insanity by allowing concealed weapons in state and municipal buildings gave a four year exemption to public colleges and hospitals. What is the main advantage for hospitals of allowing the exemption to expire?
a) it should help alleviate crowding in the state's hospitals by eliminating many patients
b) doctors in underfunded institutions will be given new weapons to fight viruses
c) patients will gain - I didn't say they would be effective weapons to fight viruses - patients will gain a greater appreciation for the animal heads doctors display on the walls of their offices
19) An angry beaver had to be removed from a roadway in Barrie. What was it angry about?
a) that castor canadiensis was not more prominently featured in the CBC's Canada: A People's History
b) that Prime Minister Justin Trudeau reneged on his pledge for electoral reform
c) that they paved habitat and put up a parking lot...and raccoons got all the best food out of dumpsters, dammit!
20) According to President Trump, Andrew Jackson "was really angry that he saw what was happening with regard to the Civil War. He said: 'There's no reason for this.'" What is the most egregious error with this statement?
a) Jackson died 16 years before the Civil War started - Trump forgot to mention that the former President had offered his opinion during a seance
b) he should have mentioned that the secret to being Andrew Jackson was that he was always angry
c) treating human beings as slaves is not a matter on which reasonable people can agree to disagree
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