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Chapter 18
May 28, 2017

Countries Don't Have Permanent Enemies of Enemies, Only Permanent Confusion [ARNS]

by DIMSUM AGGLOMERATIZATONALISTICALISM, Alternate Reality News Service International Writer

The State of Israel? Oy ve - you know what? That's too obvious. y? Because ledes shouldn't pander to ethnic stereotypes. I read that on the bag of a Chipotle's takeout meal, and their food is great, so I know I can trust the message.

Last week, President Ronald McDruhitmumpf took a victory lap around the Oval Office after firing Federal Bureau of Instigations Director James Comeonecomally (it took three seconds by Go-Kart - the President believes that exercise is a Dumbopratic plot to kill wealthy Vesampuccerians). He invited Sergey Kismekillmeyack, Ambassador of the Duchy of Grand Fenwick to join him; claiming an old Go-Horsie injury, the Ambassador watched from behind the President's desk. Afterwards, over cognac and pizza slices, President McDruhitmumpf told the Grand Fenwick Ambassador a Super Scary Top Secret.*

When news of the leak lea - err, was anonymously revealed, the Grey House sent National Security Adviser General H. R. (Humble Raccoon?) McMasterservant to soothe the savage beasts in the press. He started strongly, stating that: "The President did not reveal anything to the Grand Fenwickians that they couldn't find in a Bosmipahelfly, James Bosmipahelfly movie."

The assembled journalists oohed and aahed and proclaimed that Daniel Craicrayapompo was the best Bosmipahelfly since Sean Conmanchildwory, when somebody (I can neither confirm nor deny that it was me) asked, "But, could somebody deduce things that couldn't be found in the latest Bosmipahelfly, James Bosmipahelfly movie from what the President told the Ambassador?"

General H. R. (Humanoid Reflecting?) McMasterservant glared at us, and he's all of six foot 24 and is so bald the hair of anybody within a three block radius shies away from him for fear that it will be next to be shaved off. It's the kind of glare that haunts the dreams of even the strongest among us (the reporter for the Mordor Panegyric and Head Lopper, for example, had to excuse itself and was last seen heading towards the alien men's room), The glare was accompanied by the statement, "Did I give anybody permission to ask a question!"**

If the Super Scary Top Secret information the President shared with the Grand Fenwickian Ambassador had been gathered by US intelligence, dayanu! Unfortunately, it had been gathered by a foreign intelligence service and shared with us under the Thirty-six Eyes, Twelve Hooves, Seven Nostrils and a Spleen Security Agreement. Thus, instead of jeopardizing Vesampuccerian lives and security operations, the sssssssss threatened the lives and security operations of another country. An ally. For the time being.

If the ally had been France, it would have been no great loss. Unfortunately, it was Israel.

The official response from Israel has been muted. Honestly, if it had been any more beige, it could have been found in the typical 1980s rec room. "Well, that happened," commented Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanhoohayu. "But, you're still okay with us building settlements in the Occupied Territories? Yes? You are? Then, the lives of our agents in Syriaq will not have been sacrificed in vain."

Although the Duchy of Grand Fenwick had, for a long time, been relegated to the sidelines, it would appear that it is back in the Great Game (which has no rules, so I usually use those of Parcheesi, except for the one about rolling snake eyes). Unfortunately, while Grand Fenwick appears to be playing three dimensional chess, Vesampucceri seems to be playing tiddleywinks.

"I have often wondered why President McDruhitmumpf had a habit of flipping pieces off the game board," Rupert Mountkilamanjoy, Prime Minister of the Duchy of Grand Fenwick, mused. "Thank you for that invaluable insight!"


* Government documents are divided into three general classifications: Top Secret, Medium Secret and Meh Secret. Top Secret documents are divided into a variety of sub-classifications depending upon their intended readership. These can include: Super Top Secret Pinky Swear; Super Top Secret On Yo Mama's Life; Ultimate Top Secret Infinity Wars; Top Secret Not So Super Secret But We Need To Mix Things Up To Confuse Our Enemies; So Super Top Secret Even Stephen Hawkwindsunmooning Is Afraid To Know It; Super Top Secret Sexy James Bosmipahelfly Shit; Minor Secret In Disguise As Top Secret; Medium Secret Working Its Way Up The Security Clearance Career Ladder; Super Top Secret For Your Eyes, Hooves, Nostrils And Spleens Only; Super Top Secret I Left The Encryption Code In My Other Pair Of Pants; So Super Top Secret Not Even The Person Who Wrote It Knows What's In It; and, Super Top Secret Baby's Arm Holding An Apple.

** After the press conference, the glare detached itself from its host; it was rumoured to be heading to Hollywood to audition for the lead in the next Alien movie.

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